one thing done

 One of the things I had to do this week, and kept putting off, was writing a one page summary of what I thought my teaching accomplishments for. I was nominated for an award. (It's not as big a deal as it sounds; it's a nomination process open to all the students and only one has to nominate you, and lots of people get nominated. I've been nominated twice before).

I've never won, but that doesn't surprise me: for one thing, there are other people who are better and more innovative teachers. Mostly what I do is just carry a heavy load of classes, a couple of which no one else currently here could do. I do get tired some days and I know I'm not always the most interesting. I guess the one thing is I do manage to avoid snapping at the students or making them feel bad, even when maybe they seem to deserve it

(I had a student who missed a lot, and in the course of trying to help them catch up, I asked about their absence. I don't like to pry but it helps to know if there's a mitigating circumstance. They shrugged and said "I just didn't feel like it" and I admit I choked back "Buddy, I have some bad news for you about adulthood..." because I knew it wasn't helpful but yeah, there are a lot of things I don't feel like but do anyway)

The other reason I won't win? They often give it to someone who is retiring - or someone who's received a serious diagnosis. I'm still three years from retiring (though I might stay on longer if things stay okay) and as far as I know, I'm perfectly healthy.

And I admit, I hesitated - what if I don't bother to do it, given there's no chance? But of course the PTR beast still needs to be fed, and I'm not sure I can put it on my CV if I don't do the bit of participation. 

I hate doing these things though; I am bad at selling myself because a lot of the typical "talk yourself up" stuff feels like lying to me, even if it isn't, strictly speaking, lying. 

SO I sat down and did it, got it submitted. Haven't gotten back a "thanks for that" thing so I don't know if I submitted it correctly but I don't know how to do it otherwise. 

I also got the two exams written for next week. At least I'm not giving one the Friday right before spring break? (I expect my classes that day to be pretty empty). 

And after class next Friday, I have to be sure I have everything I need for a week, and then drive down to (womp womp) get a bus to Marshall  (from Mineola) because of trackwork. In Marshall - about 9 pm - I will get on a train and go the rest of the way on that. I would rather it were otherwise but at least when I called to ask they sent me an updated ticket indicating the bus, and refunded me about $100, and since I don't like the "flex dinners" ANYWAY, I will just eat very little for lunch and grab a burger in Mineola before I have to get on the train. 

Spring Break, like Thanksgiving, is a difficult travel time - it's go-go-go workwise right up until the day you have to leave, so you have to be sure to carve out time for laundry and packing some evening before the day you have to leave. And I'll probably carry a little less given I will have to walk a considerable distance at Marshall (the bus drop off is pretty far from the station) and I think my carry on will be my backpack, so I can strap it on my back and not have to carry it. 

But I do need a break, and it will be nice to not have to decide all on my own what meals will be, and have to carve out time to drive across town to get groceries (preferably not at a time when everyone else is, but these days it often feels like the only time I can do that is after work, which is when everyone else is.) 

wednesday evening random

 * After a bit over from a week away from it (there's a small risk of bad complications* if you exert yourself a lot while you have certain viruses), I did a 20 minute workout today. That's less than I normally do, and even that was tough (my breathing still isn't 100% normal) but at least I did it - and I avoided a weird side effect (ocular migraine) I have had on occasion after starting up heavy exertion again after being sick

(*supposedly you can give yourself myocarditis or endocarditis, and that's definitely on my Do Not Want list)

 

* I pulled out the Syyslaulu shawl again and started working on it again. I have about 60 rows left before it's big enough to start the lace edging. I took my row counter and set it so I can count down each time I do an increase (every other row, so I have 30 increases left), because that's easier than having to stop and count the stitches all the time (there's a specific multiple, of six I think, that you have to have for the edging to work)

It's not very photogenic right now - just a big garter stitch triangle

* We're finally getting some rain. There are small thunderstorms right now; I'm hoping it's not going to get loud enough to interrupt my sleep. But it is nice to have rain for a change.  

* I don't know if it's the current state of the world, or if I really am just losing my taste for certain forms of entertainment. I would occasionally watch "Chicago Med" (what? I like Oliver Platt) and Chicago Fire (at least in the earlier season, there was the whole "work family" aspect of things, which is kind of weirdly comforting). But tonight's episodes, woof. Basically, there was an entire plane that somehow landed with almost everyone on board dead from what turned out to have been an exposure (possibly accidental) of some poison gas (nerve agent) that was apparently being "muled" to a guy who was planning a mass attack. And it's just.....it's upsetting. Like, no one gets to go through decontamination and then sit in a hospital room for a while and be fine; there are people who looked better and then got sick again and a person (not a regular character) who died...And I don't know if this one is unusually distressing (either in general or to someone with my particular brain-wiring) but I found it hard to watch.

There was a time in 2020 - and again, right after the war started in Ukraine in 2022 - that I couldn't read anything much that was "tense," not even the vintage British mysteries I used to love. I was pretty much stuck with "light magical realism" or "non fiction of the not-remotely-worrisome kind" (I find for me books about language evolution or natural history work in that case. 

But yeah, maybe I just hit a point where I can't watch anything more "realistic" than what the Heeler family does (or the Belchers, or whatever kid-friendly or silly cartoon)

I did wind up getting a stuffed animal I had (a silly "valentine's day" themed capybara by Zuru that I bought because it was cuddly and inexpensive and weighted, but which - because she's pink - looks unfortunately a little like a smooth naked mole rat. But at least having a weighted thing laying against my chest made me feel a little calmer. You do what you have to in these times.

(I have another ridiculous stuffed animal I bought last year - a very large version of Mei Mei in red-panda form (from Turning Red) that was sold as a stuffie for kids to sleep with (she is shown peacefully asleep, she's that soft velour-like fabric, and had very soft stuffing), and a lot of nights, to force myself to sleep on my left side - better for my back - I grab her and squish her up against my chest, and yeah, I do sleep better. 

It's funny how a lot of things that seemed "juvenile" or "odd" when I was younger (I hid the couple stuffed animals I took to college with me) are now being realized that it's a comfort thing. Just like letting kids use fidget toys instead of forcing them to sit perfectly still. In many ways our world has become a little kinder (and I admit I fear with some of the changes happening recently, that some of those kindnesses will be removed, just like how some people now feel emboldened to use slurs again....) 

Finished a thing

 I finally finished the red "Norwegian resistance" hat - this pattern originally promoted as a protest against the ICE actions in Minneapolis.

 I admit, I almost gave up on it. First of all, it's a cheap Michael's acrylic and wasn't super fun to knit on (it was what I could get; there was no red wool-ease in stock and I didn't feel like digging through my stash to see if I had anything). Second of all.....well, it seems like OTHER actions that are alarming have eclipsed what is going on there (I know, I know, it's still going on, but the threat of World War III seems.....more potentially deadly for more people).

But I kept going. Right now I feel like I needed a W. I don't know if it's allergies, or post-viral depression (which can be a thing), but I've felt bad and blah and like I'm not really CAPABLE of anything. Part of it might be that the weather's been weird (too warm for this time of year, which makes me stress about "go out do fieldwork go go go you need to do it" and really it's not time yet). Part of it probably IS the state of the world; another mideast war after the US has participated in what, four? now since I was like 15. Part of it is me realizing we're never going to have a "normal" again like the "normal" I used to know, and that I'm not sure what consolations there will be for me in the new world that's being born. 

But yeah, at least I finished a hat. I couldn't wear it long this evening; it's hot in here now and I'm not quite willing to put the AC on this early. 

But also, yeah - there are about a dozen other alarming things going on that have pushed the Minneapolis events off the radar.

 then again, if someone asked me "so, what are you protesting against?" I'd probably respond like James Dean in "Rebel without a Cause" and say "Whaddaya got?"

Because oh, there are so many things. And so many things to worry about the future about. 

I'm like this

 Or rather: why am I like this? 

 I mean, I have my suspicions - the way peers treated me when I was a kid, having grown up as the butt of jokes. So I *think* I want to be the center of attention but I HATE it when it happens.

Sunday, as is typical, a group of us went out to lunch after church. I was asked where I wanted to go, as it had been my birthday. I struggled to think of a place and chose one of the nicer Mexican places. I don't know that that was what I REALLY wanted, but I still wasn't feeling GREAT with the cold and figured I'd pick a place I knew most people would be happy with.

It was fine; I got the shrimp mini-quesadillas and they were really pretty good, and I tried an agua fresca (pineapple) and it was excellent (I had never had one before - they're basically a watered down juice, slightly sweetened, and often with lime or lemon added)

One of the women - call her C. - paid for my meal. I didn't know she was doing it (though I wouldn't have ordered differently) until I didn't get my ticket. I had THOUGHT I heard her whispering to the waiter and the words "birthday girl" but I didn't think anything much of it. 

I thanked her for getting my lunch for me.

Then I saw, out of the corner of my eye, the various servers converging on the table.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes. They had a big pink sombrero (like what a mariachi musician would wear) and were carrying a plate with a sopapilla with whipped cream and chocolate sauce and a lit candle. And they sang a birthday song. I had to wear the sombrero. C. got a picture. 

I wasn't smiling, and I regret that a little, but I was profoundly uncomfortable. I get that it was meant as a kind gesture, and I also get that "people in this part of the country tease you a little when they care about you" but I can't get used to it. I admit it's a failing in me, there, and it's dumb - I would like to be fussed over. Just not that publicly; it makes me feel silly. 

Steve, who was sitting across from me, commiserated - "I could see the look of dismay cross your face as soon as you saw what they were bringing out"

Like I said: I don't WANT to be a sourpuss about it; I want to be a good sport. But I think it does awaken some of the bad old "butt of jokes" memories from my time in grade school . 

The sad thing is, I don't know what kind of "center of attention" thing that could happen that I would like. 

 

Then again - C. was just maybe getting me back for the "Shady Pines, Ma!" joke I made at her some weeks back. And I genuinely think it's something SHE would have fully enjoyed if it happened to her, and didn't recognize that it might make me uncomfortable. (So that's why I am not going to say anything; it does feel a little poor-sport to complain about what was intended as a nice gesture).  

State of hats

 I gave two exams today. As I said, the original plan was for me to be up at another city today, watching students present their research, but I wasn't really well enough (I am still coughing, though the cough is considerably less this evening, after running a humidifier enough in here that it now feels uncomfortably warm and damp (it's a hot-mist humidifier)

So I took along the "Free Breakfast" hat (a waffle stitch, though I'm not up to it yet) and worked on it. This photo isn't quite true to the color; the dyer called it Zombie Green, I'd say it was more of a chartreuse

 I have continued working on the Norge resistance hat, but I like the yarn for the green one better; it's a wool yarn and it's got a good twist for knitting. The other hat is a cheaper acrylic yarn and it's a little splitty.

 Today was my birthday. I wasn't expecting much as I still didn't feel great, and I had work to do (I did get the exams graded, or at least the ones people were present for - a lot of folks either had excuses for school activities - including presenting at the meetings I would have been at - or sports, so I have a bunch coming in early next week)

I did get myself some silly little things; I ordered these last week from Schleich. They make a lot of figurines; these are from one of their lines for children called Bayala. Sort of fantasy animals. I like that I can make family groups.

 

This is the Rainbow Galaxy Unicorn stallion and mare (the stallion is taller; as they're for children, that's the only way you can tell, unlike with the Breyer horses. These are bigger and a bit heavier than the little Breyers I have:

 I also got the Flower Unicorn mare and the Blossom Unicorn foal; they could be mother and baby

 I dunno, like Marge Simpson and potatoes, I just think they're neat.

 And yes, the irony of my ordering what are toys for kids on my 57th birthday, at a time in my life when I should perhaps begin thinking about döstädning rather than accumulating, but.

 Getting stuff in the mail does give a reason to keep pushing forward, having things to arrange on a shelf feels like purpose some days.

And I did get myself my usual dinner from the barbecue place - a small portion of pulled pork and a sweet potato. I really wanted Texas toast too, but they were out.

 I also splurged and ordered a cheesecake. I was expecting a thawed slice of a frozen product, but was pleasantly surprised with a different style - instead of the very cream-cheese-like filling, this is more like a very soft cake with flour (? I think) in it, and especially - they didn't have a lot of sugar in it, so it wasn't overly sweet. I prefer desserts where you taste something other than the sugar in them; this was the cream cheese or mascarpone in it and maybe a little lemon along with the strawberries and whipped cream

 

Once more around

 Yeah, tomorrow is my birthday.

It's not likely to be a good one - I am still kind of sick, I've developed a lung-y cough that, if I get going badly with it, makes me think I'm either going to throw up or not be able to breathe. I am being very careful about movement, and I'm trying to avoid laughing (that can trigger it). All my intercostal muscles ache; Tuesday night I was up much of the night coughing. 

I originally had plans to travel up to a city about three hours north of here where there's a student-research day but I don't think I'm up to it. I would have had to get up at 4 am - they have to leave at 5, and I'd be riding in the van driven by a colleague. Also with the coughing, I don't want to have to sit in a van and cough.  

I got a couple cards and a couple small gifts from friends. My mom had something sent to me earlier but she also said when I was up there over spring break, we could do something, we might go to the nice department store (one of the few remaining anywhere, it feels like) so I could look for clothes. 

I don't really have any plans, now. Until like Wednesday I was thinking I'd be fine to go to the meetings but then the cough started, and I just don't think it's wise, even if it is a little better today. Also, I am still very tired and having another day to sleep to a more normal time is probably good. 

At least my sense of smell is coming back (This is NOT COVID; I often lose my sense of smell and even taste with a cold). When I put the cocoa butter/petroleum jelly mix on my nose (It's chapped from blowing it), I could smell it this evening. (And I never really did lose my sense of taste; it was just blunted) 

I may do my usual of getting a carry out dinner from the good barbecue place in town; otherwise, I don't really have time after my classes (I am giving exams in both; my original plans were to have a colleague proctor for me) to buy and cook anything special, and it feels a little sad ON YOUR BIRTHDAY to eat a sandwich you slapped together if there's some other option. 

I'd really like to have something "fun" to do but I don't feel up to driving far, and there's really nothing in town right now for me. So I guess I just pretend it's not my birthday. 

I'm still working on the red resistance hat at home; I've got the green one packed up ready to work on while I proctor my exams tomorrow. (And it strikes me: in his first term, there were those, uh, "kitty" hats that a lot of women wore in protest; now they're Norwegian red hats. History is dangerously close to rhyming)

Tuesday evening things

*The cold has reached the loose cough stage; I hope this ends soon. I have to be careful about letting myself cough, because sometimes it's hard to stop. I got some mucinex pills and some kind of herbal/honey cough drops, and vitamin C. I know that there's mixed evidence about the efficacy of that last, but at least it won't HURT me. I can't take a lot of the typical remedies because of my blood pressure, so I have to rely on things like honey or drinking lots of water or running a humidifier.

* I read somewhere - and I hope it's wrong - that some of the highly placed "health" folks (who don't know squat about actual health, IMHO) are talking about how there should be a "comedy" about the pandemic, and that is one of those "LISTEN TO YOURSELF, MAN" things. I know people who lost parents to COVID. I lost a cousin myself and still on some dark nights it pops into my mind how he died, alone, on a gurney in the hallway of the ER because there was no room for him, and at that time there was no real treatment for COVID. And his wife couldn't even come in and say goodbye and it's all so awful.

And they want people to laugh about it

We have become such an insensitive culture. (And yeah: people are more freely using the n-word and the r-word and other words that a few years ago were on the decline. And while I think it's still generally seen as true that "nice people don't say that," there's a critical mass of people who don't care about being "nice people" in the sense of having manners or caring about others' feelings).

The pandemic changed me. I don't know how to have fun any more, and some days happiness is even a struggle, and I did not used to be like that. 

* I did do one thing today I hadn't really done since 2022 - because of this cold, and because I had a couple meetings where I was sitting in close proximity to people (unlike in class, where I was like 10' from the students), I wore a mask. I explained why - what brought it on was that I misremembered that someone was in one  of the groups who had a spouse going through chemo, and I know even catching a cold while on chemo can be bad, but that person was not on that committee. Still, another member thanked me for masking when I explained and maybe yeah, it's not an all or nothing thing, maybe I keep a supply on hand and if I have a cold or something I just slap one on to avoid transmitting it. 

I know of people who are still masking. Some of them, yes, are medically fragile, but I've also encountered people online who aren't, but who fundamentally say "if you go out to restaurants any more, you're a bad person. And if you go into a store without a mask, you're a bad person" and that kind of thing does get to me because I want to be a GOOD person and I don't know. But I also know people tell me I'm harder to understand in a mask, and they're not totally comfortable. 

I know if someone ASKED me, like even if they didn't preface it with "my kid is going through chemo" or something like that, if they just said "would you wear a mask when we meet up" I'd be like "Sure" and make sure I had one. 

But for a random grocery store trip? No. Especially not since when I was still masking in like 2022, I wore one and had someone look at me and start laughing. 

Life is really hard to navigate when you don't want to be bullied (I don't, I got a lifetime supply of that as a kid) but also don't want to hurt other people.

* I'm not watching The Big Speech. I never do, no matter who's in the WH, but I think tonight it would be really irritating to me for numerous reasons.  In a minute I want to change the sheets on my bed and then I'll see if I can find cartoons and knit on my "red resistance hat" (this is a copy of a Norwegian hat that became symbolic of resistance during WWII. I started one a couple weeks back but the yarn annoyed me slightly so I stopped working on it, but decided I needed to finish it or rip it back, and if I'm going to finish it it should be soon. (And maybe, who knows: sympathetic magic? Maybe I'll finish it and things will get a lot better, particularly in the ways the hat was designed to protest?) 

Ugh, a cold

 Friday night I was exposed to smoke - both the chargrilling at the restaurant, and they had a fireplace going (I think that one was gas, though, I could smell it). We were all stuck there for over 2 hours as service was glacially slow. 

And then Saturday I went out to do necessary shopping. There have been wildfires in the area and it's a little smoky out.

So I thought it was allergies at first.

Then, Saturday afternoon, I got stressed out, between really bad aggressive drivers, and then, when I got to the Albertsons' - my intended final stop, and I had planned out what I wanted to buy (There are a number of things I use, either items or brands, that only they sell).

So I walked up to the door. I was tired, but glad I was almost done.

Nope. 

A couple employees met me at the door and said they couldn't sell me food. 

What? 

 Their computer system had gone down. "I have cash," I said, quickly recalculating - I could get milk and yogurt and a little bit of fruit but not much else

Nope, they can't take cash. "I have my checkbook"

Nope, won't take a check either*

So I admit, I stormed out a little. I am NOT happy when my plans have to change on the fly, and I didn't know in that moment the nearest place I could go to

(*I call shenanigans on this. Maybe something bricked the cash registers and they could not give change from cash, but surely if the stuff could be rung up somehow, someone could write a check. Then again - maybe that's the problem - some software update just shut them down and of course no one can add or calculate sales tax with a pen and paper or calculator any more).

I asked the woman where the nearest other grocery was

"Wal-mart" she said. I kind of hissed "I am NOT going to Wal-Mart on a Saturday afternoon"

So I wound up backtracking five or ten miles to go the Kroger, where I haven't shopped in over a year. Partly because Albertsons' is closer and nicer, but also because the Kroger I had gone to had gotten kind of worn and dingy seeming. (And they still are. No longer do they carry a "premium house brand" in anything, they don't carry Golden Syrup any more, and they seem to have reduced choices)

And it WAS more driving, and I couldn't get a number of things I wanted. The bill was STILL high. 

After I got home I started with a sore throat. It's continued, though it's some better now, and my nose started running like crazy today (went through a box of tissues). Better out than in, I guess. But I still don't know if this is a cold (it came on awfully fast if it was) or just allergic overload coupled with a buildup of too much stress. (Both news of the world, and things like having to juggle post-tenure review and planning for summer research and interviewing job candidates on top of the usual teaching.

I suppose it could be a sinus infection; there are viral and fungal ones. My teeth have all ached, which isn't uncommon with sinus infections...

I just hope I feel some better tomorrow. Today was kind of a struggle and I have a couple meetings tomorrow.

Anyway, I didn't sleep well last night and I need to go to bed soon to try to see if I can get more rest.  

Revisiting the 80s

 I don't know if everyone can read this Christ and Pop Culture article. I hope everyone who wants to can (I send them a token amount of money every month for support, and I know I can read some articles that aren't widely available, or are time-embargoed:

 "A Hope/less Hallelujah" 

 

I know some people have compared now to the 1980s: a president who is very aged, where there are questions about his continuing competence, and where he's deeply unpopular with a large chunk of the populace. (I don't know if it's just me being older, or now working in a career where I wind up being somewhat harmed by some of the whims of the president and his supporters, or if Reagan really was less bad, or what, but it feels worse now than it did then).

I will say it feels to me like full on nuclear war is less likely now than in the 80s; partly it feels to me that there's more a desire for those in upper government to want to save their own skins, partly maybe some of them are way more friendly with Russia than Reagan was with the USSR. 

But other things feel worse and more precarious to me. 

In the 1980s, that was the very beginning of the era where people were thinking "gee, maybe homophobic or ableist slurs shouldn't be used"

Oh, they still WERE - calling something they disliked "gay" was a standard thing young men did. 

But I also remember the 1970s, and getting called the "r slur" and other things in school, and openly mocked and bullied and excluded, and by the end of the 80s it did seem like some adults woke up to "hey, maybe that's not good for our kids' development or mental health" and I admit starting in the early 2000s it did look like maybe we were going to kick bullying, and slurs, to the curb.

But nope! They came roaring back, and now some people GLEEFULLY say them, like "back in the Obama days this wasn't ALLOWED but now I can do it again" while the people saying them NEVER think of the feelings of the people they are saying them to or about. 

That's what gets me - our circle of ethical concern (To use a concept that Aldo Leopold, among others, discussed) seemed to be expanding; it has shrunk again, and at the extremes there are people basically saying "if they're not my blood relatives, screw 'em, if they're starving in a ditch and I have extra food, they deserve to starve" and I do not like that. And it does seem there's more gleeful violation of hospitality and kindness norms now. And it's the "gleeful" part that bothers me - it's not someone doing it ignorantly or literally without thinking; it's premeditated and the person feels GOOD about saying something cruel to a child or a woman or a person different from them in some way. 

Now is the time of monsters, I guess.

 Except really, every time was.

But I think of other things from the 1980s. I've recently been rewatching a few Golden Girls episodes - Hallmark reruns them late in the evening-  and I'm struck by a lot of things in the show. While some of the humor, yeah, has aged, still, in many ways it's a KINDER sitcom than many of the era. And there are the themes of feminism and ageism-is-bad and a certain level of tolerance (it was one of the first shows having gay characters who were shown fairly sympathetically*) 

(*yes I know Jody on "Soap" but I never really watched that show) 

And it was probably the first instance of "found family" being a major trope in a sitcom - three widows and a divorcee, sharing a home together, supporting each other through health scares and relationship issues and frustrations with the world. 

It was also funny. I still find it funny. And some bits of it have become cultural things. I have said some variant of the "Picture it: Sicily, 1922...." before I launch into a story from my youth. And I got a huge and unexpected laugh out of one of my church lady friends* when she started going on and on in circles about something pointless at lunch one day, and I looked at her, and in my best Dorothy Zbornak, said "Shady Pines, Ma! Shady Pines!"

(*I think it struck her so funny because I normally do not DO that sort of thing, I don't have a reputation as having a snarky side)

And yes, it's becoming a bit of a comfort show, just like Murder, She Wrote (which I have written about before- in the second half of that linked post). Another show that started in the 80s. 

And also another show, like Golden Girls, that I watched with my parents (or at least my mom, I don't remember now if my dad liked Golden Girls). 

Both of them shows with a woman or women as the protagonist, back when that was less common. 

And similar in the sense that there were certain virtues upheld in both shows: in Golden Girls, it was support of one another, tolerance, and helping. Murder She Wrote was that you can't get away with doing harm to others, and that intelligence (especially Jessica Fletcher's) will win the day. And also, she was firm but kind- she was definitely proper** but she also spoke out against what was wrong

 (**though upon a mature rewatch I realize there may have been more implied in her relationship with Seth Hazlett than simple platonic friendship, something I didn't realize as a late teen. Then again: they were both adults and presumably consenting, so it's none of my business). 

I also think about - and may write about, later,when I have more time (I really need to be doing some grading) the things I'm thinking now as "the safe things from my tweendom." That thought was triggered the other day when one of my students - born probably 30 years after the original cartoon was on tv here - showed up to class in a "classic" Smurf t-shirt (it even had the Peyo signature on the image on the back of the shirt) and I realized that certain cartoons/toy lines that I was on the verge of being "too old for" as a tween, are now things I remember fondly as an adult, partly because of the glow of those few years, between childhood and teenagerhood, where I felt like I might eventually figure it all out, but also that there were good things to enjoy in the last days of being a kid:

Smurfs

Garfield

Strawberry Shortcake (in her Raggedy Ann style original form)

The original My Little Ponies

Care Bears

 

And with the exception of maybe Garfield  (but he had his softer side, and it's implied that maybe he "hates" Mondays because it means Jon goes out to work and he doesn't see him all day for the rest of the week), all of these are "properties" where the characters care about each other and are kind to each other, and literally in some cases the "villains"/antagonists are won over and converted by the power of kindness and friendship. 

I still have a few Smurfs. And I bought a vintage Garfield off Etsy when I couldn't find my old one at my mom's house. And I have the small Grumpy Bear I carry with me when I travel, and I have much MLP merch. And recently, I saw a vintage-style  Strawberry Shortcake shirt at Michael's and *almost* bought one (I think they were out of my size, though)

And finally - because it's "Christ and Pop Culture," there are of course references to faith. The author quotes an essay by Kristin Saatzer, who said “Even in the cruelest years, God is faithful. We bow in thanks, not only for the victories but for His steadfast presence in the in-between. God was here. God is here. And God will be faithful still.”

Yes. This is true. But sometimes it's distressingly easy to lose sight of it. Though maybe, if I watch and laugh at what Dorothy and Rose and Blanche and Sophia are up to, or hug my Grumpy Bear a little, I can be reminded... 

 

it's Lent now

 Did the thing yesterday evening. My previous experience  - such as it was, as a college student - with the tradition was that getting your ashes was a first-thing-of-the-day and you wore them during the day as a symbol. 

The church I belonged to at the time (a Disciples church, but congregations vary a lot) didn't do it, but I remember seeing my classmates who were Catholic with their ashes.

And yeah, maybe there's a tiny performative aspect for some people, which is negated by our habit of doing it as an early-evening service and then most people go home.

 the church secretary and I distributed the ashes. It's a fairly intense moment, or I find it so - especially now having lost as many people as I have, and given that two of my fellow congregants had unpleasant health scares (one was cancer, one was apparently heart issues) this winter.

And whispering "From dust you came, and to dust you shall return, in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, amen" doesn't lose its impact the more times you do it.

(It was hard, emotionally, marking the forehead of the man who just came through a cancer scare; that was the one that ALMOST had me tearing up)

Both the secretary and I were shaky voiced when at the end we turned to each other, and said the words, and put the ashes on each other's foreheads (And yes, I think someone else doing the marking - as is traditional - carries some emotional weight, at least for a person like me who doesn't frequently get touched during the week). And yes, she used a rather heavy hand. My hands are so dry I had a hard time getting enough ashes on people's foreheads. 

It was also harder because I learned that the ex-son-in-law of a friend (her daughter and he are divorced, but fairly amicably) is experiencing multi-system failure and apparently won't make it without a liver transplant. This came on quite suddenly; he was not a drinker or a drug user so I suspect it might have been an infection. But it's pretty terrible - the suddenness, and he has two young-teen children who live with their mother but who are very fond of him. (My friend did say she was keeping a bit of the worst from them right now; the hope is maybe there will be a donor).

 

Tomorrow is another busy day. I am up to the heel flap on the "cosmic dust" socks now. We have our second candidate in tomorrow I expect it'll be late when I get home then. 

I didn't come up with a good Lent practice for this year. I had thought, "Don't use cusswords when you're alone and something upsets you" (I almost NEVER say them IN FRONT OF PEOPLE but I sometimes do when alone, but that ship sailed this morning when I had problems with the computer in my office)

I also admit, I joked on Bluesky about giving up my expectation that things in the country would get better at some point. But that's not really keeping in the spirit.

I haven't bought yarn, but again - I'd like to leave it open to be able to do so for my birthday. SO I don't know.  

A couple things

 This afternoon was long, but it was good. A colleague and I went out to some of the Choctaw's property,a remnant prairie, where they are putting bison on. There's an opportunity to do research on how the plant community changes with grazing (in addition to burning - I don't know if they've switched yet from mowing to burning or if this is the first year).

The bison are brand new. They are still fencing off areas where they will graze, so they're in a temporary pen, also apparently they need to "imprint" on an area so they don't try to go walkabout, and keeping them penned up for a few weeks seems to do that.

They're still fairly young. I think the guy said it was two cows (heifers, I guess, they're pretty young) and a bull, but it was hard to tell. 

I got a picture, but....unfortunately one of them had already lifted its tail to poop when I grabbed the photo:

 Anyway, it was a good trip out, we drove all over in one of those "gator" things (like an all terrain golf cart) to look at the area and we discussed planning for the sampling. I will be doing some of it with students, and I made a point to ask that there be REAL gates in the fences of the exclosures (control areas where the bison don't go, so we can compare the effect on the plants) because I remember how in grad school, the deer-browse project I helped on, the park that built the exclosures was unclear on how to do it and didn't put gates in, so we had to climb up 12' of fencing (deer can jump 10' high) to get in.

I can't do that any more. Not just because I'm older and heavier, I don't think my knee would allow it even if being up high like that could tank my blood pressure and make me fall. 

We also brought along a grad student doing bird surveys; he may add this site to his research plan. The Choctaw people do seem to really want to get as complete a biological picture of the place as possible, which is a great opportunity for us. 

***

Also, today is Pancake Day. That's probably the closest to what my heritage would do, and where I grew up that was often the thing - not the paczki or mardi gras or carnevale, but pancakes. 

I think the idea ONCE was to use up eggs before the Lenten fast, but now it's maybe more of a vestigial celebration (I don't know too many people who give up that many things; I did know an Orthodox couple once who gave up meat but as I remember they still ate some cheese or eggs during Lent.)

But pancakes are also simple, and I was tired, and it felt like a good way to mark the day

 I also had a few blueberries I needed to use up.

Tomorrow night is Ash Wednesday service and as a number of us still work - and have to be at work early enough that an early service might not work - we do it in the evening. I am on deck to do readings, and I assume as Head Elder the distribution of ashes will be partly my duty. 

(I hope I don't cry this year. I very nearly did last year and in the time since, one of our members had a cancer scare - apparently they got it all - and another one had a heart issue that's since been resolved, but again; far too many things to remind me of impermanence and loss)

 ***

I'm still working on Lithos. Still just on the ribbing, which you do 3 1/2" of before switching to the first fancy-stitch pattern. 

I do like the Fisherman's Wool for this; it will definitely be a rustic style shawl rather than a delicate one but it does work up into a nice "beefy" fabric:

 

Monday evening things

*I finished "The Black Spectacles" last night. I admit I lost interest a bit once I knew who did it; the last 20 pages or so was mostly Dr. Fell expounding about what had happened. 

And I guess people never really change: the culprit was someone Fell described as "very clever, and as a result, he felt deserving of (the money he would stand in line to have access to after the murder, and after marrying the one female character in the book. And it was implied he might have later done for her after, if he hadn't been stopped). His "cleverness" surrounded some new electroplating method - so I guess you could say he was a 1930s version of a techbro, and here's where my "people don't change" remark comes in - how much of the destruction we're seeing in a lot of things stems from people who consider themselves "clever" and therefore "deserving" of the power and money they want. Instead of, I don't know, feeling an obligation to try to make the world a better place.

And yes, perhaps the feeling of desert, especially undeserved, is the root of a lot of evil in society - the "I want it and therefore I should have it because I am better than everyone" attitude. 

* Not sure whether to exclusively continue on "Between Two Rivers" or to start a new fiction novel. There is one I have about an enchanted bookshop (I don't remember the author's name; it does have the feel of a YA novel so far, but that's fine) and I wonder if I do want something a little cozy to read for a while. 

* And yes, coziness. I had read about an online trend called "Potato Beds," which are almost a pillow fort of sorts - you take a fitted sheet and put it opening-up, and then fill with pillows and blankets and similar, and the effect is a bed with a "rim" around it, like many dog beds. Some enthusiasts seem to say it makes them sleep better because it's cozy. The Guardian seems to not like the idea much..  

I don't think sleeping flat on the floor would be very comfortable, especially with smaller pillows that can shift (occasionally, in a pinch, when traveling, I've had to wind up sleeping on sofa cushions on the floor, and if you move at all in your sleep you can wind up with an arm pinned between two cushions, or having a leg off on the hard floor. But I DO do a version of this in my own bed - Oh, I have my mattress for support but I do have six (now seven, actually, I bought an even fluffier pillow to use under my head) pillows, and several very large stuffed animals like bolsters on either side (Pfred, the horse, and my big stuffed Discord, and a giant red panda) and of course the various smaller animals. And usually in addition to a quilt or two, one of those fleece blankets in case I get cold during the night. 

And you know? I think the "bolster" nature of it does help me sleep. I think it's because it's a very lizard brain thing - it's like sleeping in a pile of, I don't know, protective dogs or something instead of all alone and cut from the pack like I usually am. And yes, I know it's illusory, but sometimes illusory works on your lizard brain.

* Almost up to the next color change (from blue to green) on the blanket, maybe I work a bit on that before bed tonight. 

 

Rare weekend post

 I used to do these more often. Well, today, I'm procrastinating on finishing the bit of cleaning I need to do (vacuuming and wet mopping the floors) so here you go.

I did get a microwave this morning, it was an ordeal. Unfortunately the small family-run appliance place only seemed to have the "mountable" models or larger ones (I have limited countertop space in an old kitchen) so I went to Lowe's.

You would think, purchasing a microwave would be simple - go to the shelf that has them, decide which one you want, lift it down, go pay. 
Except, they are HIDDEN. They were on an endcap facing the back wall just outside of the usual appliance area. When I looked on the website on my phone (and of course it asked me to download the app, which I don't want and won't use), it kept promoting the "order for delivery on Wednesday (or even later)!" or "order the ones we have in the store to pick up in 3 hours"

Well, the problems are: I don't want delivery, I'll be told "be home between 9 am and 3 pm" and since I work for a living I can't do that. And anyway, I don't want to wait until Wednesday.  

 And "wait three hours for pickup" are you kidding? I'm there now. I should be able to get it now, off a shelf. 

Finally, in frustration I went to the "Service" desk. At least this time there were two people there so one walked back to show me the microwaves. There were, I think, six choices: A Sharp (that was my dead microwave and I don't want that brand again" an LG (Which was probably good but cost the EARTH - seriously, it was nearly $500 and I'm not sure why), some brand I've never heard of (and it was cheap, so pass, I don't want to buy another microwave in six months) and a couple GEs.

Okay, fine, I get a GE.

Except: they are ALL now combined microwave/air fryer/convection oven and it sounds like woe betide you if you punch the wrong function button at, say, 6 am, when you just want to nuke some oatmeal before work. 

They're also LARGE. I had measured the space I had before going to Lowe's (in a rare burst of foresight for me) and the smallest GE would barely fit. I don't even really have the 3" clearance in front they WANT, but then again, I don't have kids in the house who might pull it down onto themselves. 

So I paid (and the self pay - which is all they have any more - locked up because there were about five things on the box that LOOK LIKE UPC codes but only one is right, and I chose badly, and a woman had to come and help and SHE clicked on the right code (and asked me if I wanted the $60 extended warranty and no I do not, if it craps out in a week I expect they'd make it right and if it craps out in two years, well, that's just how life IS now and I'd rather not send the microwave off somewhere for repairs even if they are free)

I didn't mention, but it was POURING rain. Yeah. The first day in several months we had rain (if you don't count the sleet of a couple weeks ago). And it was coming down hard. So I got soaked going out to the car. The first woman who helped me suggested she could get a guy to put it in the car for me, but....I have to get it back OUT myself at home, I'm already soaked to the skin, and most of the stock guys there were dry, so...

Got it home. Hoped I could heft it into the house (it was maybe 30 pounds but carrying things on a bad knee is harder). I did. Opened the box and with some difficulty (nowhere good to grab it) got it out and onto the counter and plugged in. Pulled off all the foam and the clingfilm and everything. 

Tried the timer; it works but unlike my old one it beeps until you push either start or cancel (My old one beeped once*)

 

(*An old joke from the ALF tv show of the 80s, that became an injoke between my mom and me for some reason - ALF said "let me know when this gets annoying" and started in with a sound like a screeching smoke detector, and I always think about that in light of annoying sounds that don't stop on their own in a short time)

Tried heating a cup of water, that worked.

And then at lunch I pulled out a frozen ham-and-cheese croissant sandwich thing I had bought the other day. "Defrost for 90 seconds on 30 power, then flip over and cook for 45 seconds on full power" 

 Okay, cool, easy enough.

Now, on my old microwave: you could punch in EITHER 90 or 1:30 as the time, and you'd get 90 seconds. But no, this one has to be picky. I punched "time cook" and "90" and then "power level" and then "3" and hit start

It beeped at me. Said "FOOD" on the screen.

"Yes," I said to the microwave, "it is food. It is not pizza or a potato or popcorn, the three choices you have, but I have told you how to cook it"

Hit cancel, tried again. Got the same thing. Cursed a little at the machine.

Tried reversing the order: "power level" "3" "time cook" "90" 

Still got "Food"

Finally, I thought to try 1:30 and 30 and that did it, but it took me several minutes to realize it doesn't have the fact of "90 seconds and one minute thirty seconds is the same number of seconds" in its little brain, so I guess I have to remember to tell it "minutes plus seconds" instead of "total number of seconds"

Also, it comes with a child lock enabled where you can't open it when it's done without hitting either "start" or "cancel" 

I'm not sure that would stop an older or very determined child who had watched their parent use the microwave, but there's a code to disable it, so I did that - I do not need any more cognitive load to heat up food. 

It's also allegedly an air fryer and came with a "crisping pan" and a couple of stands but I'm not going to worry about that for now.

And of course there's not actually a manual in the box; you have to download it and print it yourself (or, I suppose: read it on your phone as you stand in the kitchen).

So it worked out and I trust I'll be able to have zapped oatmeal again tomorrow morning (I had been eating Cheerios but for a school day, those don't keep me full until lunch) but it was an ordeal that took longer than it should have, and to use a slight euphemism, it seems like Lowe's has joined in the general enpoopification of things in our culture - with the few choices and the heavy pressure to "just order it, don't bother to look at them all first"

I did get my kitchen mostly cleaned (I have to vacuum and wet mop, and same in the bathroom and living room) but I am kind of tired.

During Zoom knitting today I DID get almost up to the next color on the blanket, it's getting closer and closer to done.  

Long week over

 Just a lot of meetings, over and above what I normally have. I'm tired.

 And my microwave died last night, so I have to go tomorrow and see about getting a new one (I need it; it's how I make my oatmeal in the morning and I don't want to shift to using a pan on the stove for it)

I did get some work on the new hat I started done because I gave two exams (I give a third on Tuesday) and I've added a couple more rows to Lithos and I now feel more like the yarn was the right choice for it. 

 

Thursday evening things

 * back working on the "simple" socks knit of yarn from that UP dyer. The colorway is called "cosmic dust" but it also reminds me a bit of 1980s video-game arcade carpets - black background with bright "neon" or "fluorescent" colors - green, pink, orange, purple, teal. It also has one of those shimmer strands in it. It's fun, and the base yarn it's dyed on is nice, nice and "beefy"

* I'm almost done with "The Black Spectacles" and I admit I'm ready to be done with it. Gideon Fell can get to be a bit much. Or maybe it's just my mood lately. Maybe for the next mystery I need to get one of the Louise Penny books I've not read yet; at least Gamache is less verbose, and there are nice descriptions of good meals in those.

 * That said, I AM enjoying "Between Two Rivers," it's well-written (not dry) and I like thinking about people living thousands of years ago and caring about artifacts that were already ancient to them back then. 

* I'm watching Midsomer Murders. (The programs I usually watch - Ghosts and Elsbeth - weren't on because of Survivor, which I've never been able to care about). The episodes of this are interesting mostly for the culture of the British towns - on this one there's a game, a sort of pub game, called Aunt Sally, where you throw sticks (about the diameter of a broom handle but shorter) at a skittle (they call it a "doll") set on a stand, and you have to knock it off. 

I really care about learning about those little details often more than I do the main plot

* And another book coming soon - I ordered  a copy of "My Work is that of Conservation" which is an "environmental biography" of George Washington Carver. It was referenced in a Metafilter post which was featuring this story from Piecework about Carver - in addition to the other things he did in his life (the peanuts and sweet potato promotion/research everyone knows about, the advocacy for farmers, especially Black farmers, that fewer knew about), he was a crocheter! He learned as a boy, because he was often unwell (he caught whooping cough at a vulnerable age) and often had to spent time indoors with his mother. He kept it up through his life and apparently made gifts for friends. At the end of the article there's even a link to some of the patterns he used.

I knew some of his history and realized I wanted to know more. And there's a historical site dedicated to him that's probably less than a day's drive for me (in Missouri) and maybe if I ever plan a "southwestern Missouri" road trip, I make that one of the things I want to go see. (I enjoy those kind of historical/educational things, more than any kind of "adventure" travel or going posh places)

*Teaching is kind of tiring. Either I got a bit unlucky this semester, or there just are a lot more students struggling emotionally; I find people seem more anxious and I've had people do things like e-mail me multiple times over things. And my lab TA (who teaches a lab section with some of my intro lecture students  in it; I teach a different section of the lab) reported one of my students was crying a little at the end of  class and he didn't know if it was that one of her lab partners was low-level unpleasant to her, or if something more was going on, and so I said I'd keep an eye on her in lecture and see how things are going; it could have been a one-off thing, or maybe she needs a little support.  

It is frustrating because sometimes I get tired and sad myself and I feel like I just have to suck it up and keep going. (There's not a lot of immediate support of that sort for "adults," you have to arrange for (and pay for) things like counseling or shoulder massages or something. And there's not a lot of "little treats" that can be quickly and easily got here in town)

* At least we're past the ice storm, and it looks unlikely we'll get more bad winter weather.  

Another new project

SO I got mad at the red had because the yarn I got for it (limited choices) is not very nice and it really splitty and I didn't want to drag it along to work on during exam invigilating (I give two this week) and I need something I don't have to look so closely at.

So I dug out some nice SMOOTH yarn (a dk weight wool dyed by the former owner of Quixotic Fibers) that I planned to use for the "Free Breakfast" (waffle stitch, get it) hat. Found a workable size of circular needle (couldn't find my five but a six will work), cast on, got the first couple rows:

It's a favorite shade of green - that sort of "acid" green that also is sometimes called "pickle green" or even "pickleball green" now. And yes, it feels nice to work with - more firmly spun and doesn't fuzz or split.

I'm doing the (optional) knit through the back loops on the ribbing; it's a bit more work but it makes a nicer rib where the knit columns seem to stand out a little better. 

I give an exam tomorrow and another on Friday, and have the third on Tuesday, so I needed something new and easily portable.

I also pulled out Lithos again and added another row or two, and mostly unpicked the provisional cast on part (I could just cut the yarn but I'm not sure where my little scissors are, and rather than getting up and wasting time hunting, and getting annoyed, I could just the more time consuming picking of the whole intact strand of orange...)

I have a few people this semester with difficult "stories;" I have one person who has been mostly AWOL, I sent in a "care and concern" report on them (they ask us to do this, in case someone's in crisis and need emergency help). Well, tonight they emailed me three times - first, begging for a make up time for the upcoming exam. Then a second email explaining but saying "this doesn't excuse" why they've been AWOL (personal issues). The third e-mail was a "recall the first email" request and it seems suboptimal that if you recall an e-maill in the campus system that it's actually still there? 

So anyway, now I don't know what to do - do I pretend I never saw the first email that was recalled? Do I respond anyway? 

I decided to wait until morning - maybe there will be another e-mail, or maybe there won't and I just decide to go ahead and e-mail them about the exam.

But yeah, lots of people are in emotional crisis. There's a lot going on right now. I mean, I'm dealing with it myself and I melt down some evenings at home. I'm still able to keep the plates spinning at work but I admit I can tell I'm more exhausted and sensitive and stuff hurts my feelings more than it once did. And I think about just how nice it would be to have someone in my immediate orbit (e.g., a partner) who could be sympathetic when I was upset and talk me down when I was worried. But I don't have that so I just keep pushing along and hope I can keep the plates spinning and I admit I eat more sweets these days than is ideal for me, and I buy more yarn and stuffed animals and books than is ideal, and I waste more time on social media than I should. But some days it does feel like everything is collapsing and all good things will soon be gone, and I feel the need to distract myself from this. 

I'm sure it's hard to be 20 years old now and not know WHAT you will be able to wind up doing for a career, between the gutting of scientific agencies and the rise of AI and the fact that everything now seems to be permanently in austerity mode. Still, it makes my life more tiring and harder when I'm trying to help students with issues like that, while stuffing down my own anger, sadness, and worries about the future... 

Monday evening things

 *Ice cream machine mostly broken today, sorry.

* Part of it is allergies. I don't know if it's pollen, or I forgot yesterday that cilantro is an Apiaceae and I had a bunch of it on tacos at a restaurant. No GI symptoms but I'm definitely tired and my eyes seem puffy and my mood was not good most of the day.

* I am temporarily putting aside "The Black Spectacles" even though I'm almost done because it's at the point where Fell pontificates for pages about his theories of crime, and I had the mental image of the stereotypical "fedora neckbeard" type doing it, and it put me off. I'll go back to it in a bit.

* I did start "Between Two Rivers," which is a layperson-history book of the Euphrates region. I don't know; I find that kind of ancient history interesting  - either in the Middle East or the Americas (I have a number of books of pre-Columbian history or archaeology). I haven't heard of any good ones for China or Korea of the same era (several thousands of years ago), or I'd probably have that on my shelf.

* Other than that, the world continues to distress and it does feel like the people who choose to be cruel and do wrong are largely still winning. I started one of the red "Norwegian resistance" hats but am not very far along.  

 

the great divide

 Continuing on with my "trade off projects each night to try to get some progress made," tonight I finished the last two body rounds, and then divided to knit flat on the "British School Slipover"

 This is actually upside down; the ribbing would be at the bottom. The front is on a big stitch holder, then two smaller ones (purple) hold the underarm stitches. The back stitches are live, on the needle, and it's time to start doing the decreases to shape where the arm ribbing will go. 

The yarn for this is a Lion Brand recycled polyester. I think it's called Re-Spun, the color "Sunshine" doesn't seem to be available any more (I bought this, I think, two or maybe more years ago, at JoAnn's - I guess I am slowly working through some of the stash). 

So I do the back, then the front, then the bands at the arm holes and there's a v-neck neckband. 

I'm pretty happy with it so far, even for a synthetic, even for a fairly inexpensive yarn. And now it feels a lot closer to done, since I'm not doing the big rounds any more. 

a small treat

 I had heard that the Barbie line (which does a "notable women" line - I guess they call it Inspiring Women) was doing a Dr. Opal Lee doll.

 I find her story compelling: if you don't know, she's called "The Grandmother of Juneteenth" - she's the person who advocated and educated until it was finally made a holiday. 

In the South, especially Texas, Juneteenth was an unofficial holiday in the African-American community for years; it seems near me (in North Texas; my town in Oklahoma is....not very diverse...) that it's celebrated with parades and speakers and picnics and church events and is just generally a joyful day; it's sometimes called "The Second Independence Day."

And Dr. Lee worked as an educator for many years, after she retired she founded a genealogical society in Ft. Worth and also tried to raise consciousness among local politicians about poverty striken areas of their towns. And of course, she advocated for Juneteenth to become a federal holiday, which it finally did, in 2021.

She's still around! She's 99. Sometimes I think some women turn out to be extremely long-lived not just because they got lucky in terms of health, but also because they have a purpose, and it seems like she's done a lot of good in the world. 

So she has a compelling story, and I also like the idea that Mattel did a doll of a mature woman. (She's on the "curvy" sculpt, which is a more matronly body, and her "face up" allows for some wrinkles. And her hair is gray. 

I ordered her from the Mattel site a while back, after a couple delays she finally arrived today. I'm pretty happy even if her clothing is less "fancy" that what I often like on fashion dolls (but I presume is more in keeping with her everyday wear). 

Other than that, she's a fairly standard fashion-sized doll

 

 She has a fairly articulated body - not as detailed as the "made to move" line, but her knees and elbows bend, and she has wrist joints

And here's her face up, and the hair

She also has a manicure! I love when there are little details like this

 

At first I wasn't sure where to display her, but for now I moved Mirabel off the little shelf and put her (with her stand) up on it. It's a little hard to photograph because the shelf is a little higher than I am tall.

 

 

 

alternating projects time?

 Maybe  a way to stop stalling out is to rotate the projects. So tonight, I worked a bit on the blanket.

I got another color coming through from the color-changing "cake" - blue this time. I"m not sure I will get through many more colors before it's through - the next color is sort of a blue green, and then seafoam, and then yellow. 

I think I am FINALLY over whatever it was I had (best guess: food poisoning from something that had gone off in the fridge). I didn't realize until today just how bad I felt last week - I had no motivation to do anything, it hurt to sit up on the piano bench so I couldn't play, food didn't appeal to me. I was also WORRIED - "what if this never improves" "what if this is my gall bladder?" " what if this is something even worse?"

But I guess it wasn't.
 

a new project

 Yeah, I know. 

But I was having a somewhat difficult day - I had to read through "post tenure review" packets for colleagues and one, I felt like, "THEY ARE SO MUCH BETTER THAN I AM" and I started to get down for not having published more or having gotten such glowing evaluations from  students.

And I joked on Bluesky: "Maybe a new knitting project could fix me"

And I thought about the projects I had in mind - a couple hats, and I have yarn for a simple cardigan (made of bulky yarn) and lots of sock yarn. And then I remembered Lithos, from Knitty - a scarf or shawl (it comes in two widths) and how I had wanted to make one, and I had even bought yarn for it in sort of a shale-grey. 

And when I got done with piano practice and dinner, I went and got the yarn. And looked at the pattern. And realized I didn't have enough, even for the smaller size (and I wanted to make the shawl size). Went back and looked to see if I had more, but as I remember, I had only bought the two balls (I was misremembering how much it took). 

So I sighed, and hunted through my "unassigned" yarn (that I don't already have a project in mind for. First I found some Paton's Classic Wool, but there wasn't quite enough if it took the full yardage listed for the commercial yarn (they also have a handspun version). And I don't think I can get that yarn any more, or at least not that dye lot - it came from JoAnn's and I'm not even sure Michael's sells it. 

So I looked a little more, and found this

 There's plenty of it. It's not as soft, and this is going to be a "sandstone" Lithos rather than a "shale" one. But it'll work, and it's yarn that was hanging out unused in my stash. 

The next challenge was it recommended a "tubular" cast on, which I had never done before - basically you cast on about half the stitches provisionally (waste yarn - the orange yarn there) and then knit a few rows, and then alternate working a "live" stitch (the row currently on the needle) with picking up the loop of the very bottommost stitch, so it sort of folds.

I had to look it up. Yes I know there are tutorials for knitting things online, but they tend to be videos, and I prefer to have still photos I can refer back to. So here's the cast on with the book I used for reference (again, I think that was a JoAnn's purchase)

 So then you knit four rows stockinette, and then pick up the "purl bump" from the very first row every other stitch

 You take the provisional part out at some point. I didn't want to do it just yet, I was afraid I might have a stitch or two unravel if I didn't do it perfectly, and at that point I was tired:

 I did have to fudge a bit, doing some spaced decreases in the first row of ribbing, because I wound up with about 10 stitches too many; I miscounted. It won't look perfect, but it'll look good enough

Poem day again

 I may be the only one still doing this, I don't care. 
I still remember it fondly back from the early-aughts days of widespread blogs - the tradition was, on Candlemas/Imbolc/St. Bridget's Day/Groundhog Day, you shared a poem - either a new discovery or an old favorite.

I admit, this year I don't really have new discoveries - I didn't find any of the Aiken poems in the book I bought recently particularly to my liking, and I haven't looked at many recently.

But one of the beauties of poetry is that you can come back to it again and again, and either see something new, or take familiar comfort from it, or be stirred/strengthened by its words.

Which is why this is one of the ones I chose. I know an excerpted form of it as "Once to Every Man and Nation," which frankly is a hymn not sung enough (in my opinion), but the whole poem is longer and more complex. It's by James Russel Lowell, and my understanding it was written in protest against the war with Mexico - both as a general protest against that kind of war, but more, because Lowell was an abolitionist and was concerned that there might be a new slave-state being part of the Union:

I'm going to direct post the shorter text of the hymn, but the full text is here. 

And yes, it does feel very much like a Present Crisis to me, what we are facing, and we can choose to be humane, or continue down a path of spiralling cruelty.....and I fear for where that might end.

Here's the hymnal version (shorter, some word substitutions:

1 Once to every man and nation
comes the moment to decide,
in the strife of truth with falsehood,
for the good or evil side;
Some great cause, some great decision,
off'ring each the bloom or blight,
and the choice goes by forever
'twixt that darkness and that light.

2 Then to side with truth is noble,
when we share her wretched crust,
ere her cause bring fame and profit,
and 'tis prosp'rous to be just;
Then it is the brave man chooses
while the coward stands aside,
till the multitude make virtue
of the faith they had denied.

3 By the light of burning martyrs,
Christ, Thy bleeding feet we track;
toiling up new Calv'ries ever
with the cross that turns not back.
New occasions teach new duties;
ancient values test our youth.
They must upward still and onward,
who would keep abreast of truth.

4 Though the cause of evil prosper,
yet the truth alone is strong;
though her portion be the scaffold,
and upon the throne be wrong;
yet that scaffold sways the future,
and, behind the dim unknown,
standeth God within the shadow
keeping watch above His own.

 

You have to hear it, though, maybe, to understand why I love singing this hymn, the tune is very stirring. (Maybe there are other tunes it goes by, I don't know, but this is the one familiar to me)

the version here is apparently a "distanced choir" from the Cathedral of St. John the Divine (from COVID days, and yeah, I remember that too). But I like this version.

 The second verse is my favorite.

 Added: One thing I've realized about our CURRENT "present crisis" is that it's cemented me more deeply in my moral and ethical underpinnings, I am more willing to vocally say either "that is wrong and should not be" about things, or to say "The RIGHT thing to do in this situation is...." and not couch it in mealymouthed language to avoid maybe giving offense. Because people on the other side don't care if they offend, and I feel like empathy and kindness and generosity/graciousness are right, no matter what else is happening

an evening movie

 I'm mostly over whatever I had (I *think* probably food poisoning from something that went "off," given that the last time I was close to a person was Friday, and it didn't show up in force until Tuesday or Wednesday.)

I was also able to get out today to the Green Spray (which is about five blocks from me - in good weather, and before I wrecked up my knee, I'd definitely walk it, but given how icy the sidewalks still were, it seemed inadvisable). It was hard getting my car out of the drive but worse getting it back in (the drive slopes down to the street). In the end I had to grab a couple rubber mats I had saved from my OLD car and kept in the garage to get some traction, but then it just kept spinning its wheels right outside the garage. It's front-wheel drive, so I used my shovel to break enough of the compacted slush away from the apron of the garage, and finally, with some rocking back and forth (forward then reverse then back forward), I got purchase on the concrete apron and was able to get the car away. I'm not going out tomorrow; it's supposed to not get over freezing. This gets very tiresome.

***

Anyway, for some relaxation tonight, I found a movie to watch. 

I find TCM best for this (Or PBS, when they show movies, or the longer British detective shows) because of the absence of ads, which tends to fracture my concentration. 

Tonight's movie was "Good Morning, Miss Dove" which I KNOW I had seen before - at least parts of it were familiar. Yes, it's kind of a sentimental movie, but it has a couple things that people like I need in a movie some times:

a. Characters (at least some/most of them) who are actually decent and good people (the titular Miss Dove, though I might find her....difficult....given how prim and unyielding she is, is clearly someone with her students' best interests at heart, and there is kindness there)

b. An ending that isn't grim or depressing (the main conflict of the movie: Miss Dove needs an operation that's implied she might not survive, but she does, and it's implied she will be fine to go on to many more years of teaching). 

It's told in a series of flashbacks as she's in the hospital, undergoing tests and waiting for her operation. Almost everyone in the current generation of adults (the cop, the minister, a nurse, her doctor....) were people she had as students (and a few more - a guy "paying his debt to society" who apparently does a runner from his work gang to see her, and a famous playwright who started out as a Jewish refugee child from Poland). 

And we gradually see that in addition to her rigidity and uncompromising standards (I admit it: she's the kind of teacher who likely would have made me cry more than once in primary school), there's kindness and devotion to her students. And also maybe a slightly subversive ingenuity - there's a scene where she "saves" the local bank from going bust during a bank run* by insisting on making a deposit right before closing, but takes her sweet time about it (pretending her pen won't write, then the pen loaned by the bank employee won't....) and, it's implied, saves the town.

(*I presume this was at the start of the Depression; there are some things about banking then that I'm not familiar with but apparently once 3 pm was hit, no more business could be transacted for the day? and that was why she used the delaying tactics)

She DOES come off as a little imperious - she orders people around, she doesn't say please, which surprises me (maybe I was just raised differently?) and she sails up to the front of the bank line and just assumes they will let her do her "short transaction" before others make withdrawals....

And yet, people love and respect her, and that's one of the big central conceits of the movie - everyone in Liberty Hill is waiting with bated breath for news of how she fared during her operation, and there's rejoicing when they learn she'll be OK.

And it is interesting to see the comment made - the dispatcher makes it to the cop, who had been one of her dearest pupils (a boy from the "wrong side of the tracks" that she looked out for, and who became a Marine, and then went to college to learn criminal justice). The dispatcher notes "she didn't have much of a life, did she - no husband, no children, never went more than a couple hundred miles from here" and the cop responds angrily that she did have quite a life after all. And that brings up an idea that I think sometimes is in danger of being lost - that sometimes being "useful" in an obscure job that you're good at and that brings you happiness, is better and brings more joy than being rich or important or powerful. 

It's also .... interesting... that Miss Dove (played by Jennifer Jones) is supposed to be in her mid fifties in the time of the movie (they have grey streaks in her hair and more severe makeup and I think she may change her posture and gait slightly?). And I looked at her and thought "I don't seem that old, do I?"

I mean, yes: people age slower now (better dentistry, better nutrition, less smoking though I suspect Miss Dove never did), and I am a bit immature but....well, maybe teachers always look old to their students.

It is a somewhat sentimental movie but I liked it. It does have a number of well-known actors - Jones, of course, but also Robert Stack as her doctor (a former student) and Richard Deacon (who was in the Dick Van Dyke show) as another teacher, and I think a couple of the kids were in Leave it to Beaver.  

and still trapped...

 No school again tomorrow, that makes a full week. A colleague from another department (I am on a committee with him, we were supposed to meet tomorrow) warned us not to come up to campus, that the lots are very bad and he got stuck in his car today

We DID have a lot of melt today and I thought of running down to Green Spray (I am going to open my last half-gallon of milk tomorrow, and we're supposed to get more bad weather this weekend). If it seems like the roads are clear enough midafternoon tomorrow, I will try to get out there and at least get some milk (if they have it) and bread (whatever kind they have)

I likely had a bit of food poisoning this past week,  I never get very sick with it but I did have the abdominal cramps and nausea and loss of appetite. It finally came back today but there are only certain things I want to eat, and I'm getting low on some things. And I would really like some fresh fruit, I'm out. 

 

I'm not sure I'm brave enough for Pruett's, that would take going on one of the main roads, but if there is no acceptable milk at Green Spray, I might try,  they're the next nearest place. 

I'm not expecting much; we are at the end of the distribution chain, there was a semi pileup on 75 yesterday, and I remember from 2020 how bad it could get with shortages. 

And yeah, with the "stuck inside," this does feel a bit like 2020 all over again. 

I've been reading more on "After the Ice Age" and today I knit some on the neverending blanket. I laid it out on the floor to try to get a full photo of it

 The greenish plastic thing on it is a 9" sock ruler, for scale. You can see it's quite large. And I'm still not that close to done with it yet. 

I do want to get it done some time.

 

Also, Bluesky has been down for me all evening. I hope it comes back; I hope the site isn't either taken down, or somehow blocked from my state (I know Mississippi was blocking it for a while, to "protect children").. When I'm alone with no one to talk to - and have been alone ALL week - you do notice its absence. I hope it's back soon. Normally the outages are not this long, which concerns me.