What a day...

 Yesterday was a long day (meetings from 9 until noon, and again from one until three) where I had to sit in an uncomfortable theater chair. My knee was really griping when I got up today but I forced myself through the workout (which probably helped a little)

It's also wickedly hot and humid here, dewpoints in the mid 70s, which is the point where I start panting and wheezing like I'm in really poor shape (but I can manage the workout in my house so that must not be it). 

Today I started off finishing up my class pages, and then there was another mass meeting where the faculty heard a lot of the same stuff we heard yesterday. Some of it is not great news (the state never wants to financially support us much, but they sure want to make us document EVERYTHING and they would really like to tell us to do a lot more things that might violate academic freedom). There was a free lunch (burgers and hot dogs, and I remember last year eating a hot dog made my ankles swell the next day so I just took a burger, and asked for an extra spoon of the baked beans, which were actually probably the best part of the meal).

I did win a door prize, a "spirit basket" with campus branded stuff. Some of it was good (I really needed a new folding umbrella, and the little stress-squeezy in the shape of our mascot animal was kind of cute and might wind up living in my office) and some is stuff I might never use.......some of it I might just put out on the "free" table we have and see if the students will take it. There was also a collared shirt, I will have to check the size - if by some chance it's a small (a friend suggested it might have been unsold merch), my mom might want it and wear it. I'm not sure I would, I'm not a huge fan of being a walking billboard. The free t-shirt we all got was fine, I can use that for pajamas. 

From there, things went downhill; after our faculty meeting our new chair asked us to go around the supposedly-renovated part of the building because there was some equipment that the workers had to move (too large and heavy for us to) and they.....forgot to put signs on it indicating where to put it back, so there were like five fridges lined up in the hall and we were asked to find which one belonged in our prep room (I was able to find mine based on the unusual "freezer compartment" door - it's an OLD fridge). 

And then I thought: maybe a good idea to try logging in in the classrooms, to be sure everything's hooked up. 

First room: was able to log in and link to the smartboard. But the styli for the smartboard were missing. Oh, I can still write on it with my finger, but doing that makes my writing even WORSE and I can see doing it for long would hurt my shoulder. I warned the chair; he ran around and checked the other rooms. No styli. So either they were tucked away somewhere, or someone just walked off with them (or threw them away, thinking them unimportant). He said he'd call IT and try to get us new ones.

Second room: AC is not working. No internet connectivity on the computer even though it "talks" to the projector. So I will have to save all my stuff to a thumbdrive (luckily I have one) instead of pulling off the LMS where I put it. The no AC is more of a problem; hopefully Physical Plant can get it working. 

 Also the back row has a bunch of stuff stored on it that was pulled from the last two rooms being renovated. Fortunately that class is small enough I don't need the back row. (And actually - that means no, what we would joke about it if it were in church, as "back-row Baptists" Yes, we say that, even though it's a Disciples of Christ church...)

Third room: again no connectivity. And no styli. Later, my department chair noted we could log into the wifi; it seemed to be working even if the wired connection did not. BUT I know well enough how the wifi drops unpredictably and sometimes it's slower, so I'll just have to remember to take my thumb drive with me. (I will admit, by the time I got back to my office, I was upset and flustered enough that the note I wrote to myself to remind myself Monday was not kind: "Hey, stupid, don't forget the flash drive")

Oh and then, lab room: 

the table I, as an instructor, use, was perched up on one of the side benches. There were several pieces of equipment stacked on other benches. And there were about a dozen large boxes of cable just piled up in the front of the room, blocking access to the chalkboard (this room doesn't have a computer; I don't need one in there). And the prep room was even worse - stuff all over, a ladder blocking things. So okay FINE my first week's lab, I'll have them meet in the lecture room, it's not a wet lab, and I can do the second week's lab there too if it comes to that. But I was extremely unhappy and I let my chair know I needed all that stuff out of the way by the third week of classes. Which I think is a reasonable request, given that we:

a. pushed extra hard before our Christmas break, including me not doing a couple fun things I might have done, to move all the stuff out of the labs so they could "start in January"

b. they then did not start until March

c. we all put up with being in different buildings spring semester, some of which had departments that felt like they really didn't want us there and one building that had non-functional drinking fountains so I had to remember to bring my reusable bottle FULL (and one day, I had to spend TWO BUCKS AND FIFTY CENTS for a plastic bottle of water when I forgot it, and it was early allergy season, so I was coughing)

d. those of us in during the summer had to put up with noise some days, including drilling of concrete near us. This was the supposed internet-upgrade that was done as an apparently last-minute thing. Apparently the workers also left some people's offices a mess, and mine might still get hit if they need to do more work there

e. someone shut down the faculty printer, apparently reconnecting it to a temporary line, and it was only after something would not print that I found that out, so I had to wait for it to re-initialize.  

 

So yeah, it was an upsetting day. I did wind up indulging in a couple slices (the rest is in the fridge) of the pizza margherita (fresh mozzarella, tomato, basil - one of my favorite types of pizza) from the newish pizza place near campus. I got a salad, too, for a little "healthy" food. But I really hope tomorrow is better. I plan to work on research and give a hard stare (a la Paddington) to anyone who comes and wants me to "inspect" rooms given that I took about an hour this afternoon doing it. 

Also, I had been doubting this morning while getting ready to go in if maybe knitting that Emotional Support Chicken was Too Much and Too Weird but after my colleague (the one I was giving it to) and I got to talking before the meeting and I found out just how unpleasant her overload is (and that she had two kids who wound up going to the hospital in the same week this summer - one had a blood sugar issue (T1D) and the other broke an arm - I think maybe it's warranted, and if it helps, that's good. 

Tuesday evening things

 *Working on the second half of the chicken body; I would like to have this done to give to my colleague on the first day of classes but that may not happen.

* Tomorrow is the full day of meetings. I'm telling myself it'll be okay but I really don't like these, and in this day and age I also admit I think in the back of my mind how *all* the university's faculty will be gathered in one place and if someone wanted to do an awful thing....well.... (the CDC shooting, even though miraculously it sounds like the only people killed were a first responder and the shooter himself, is a terrifying thing and it DOES sound politically motivated, and a lot of us in the sciences and higher ed now probably have a bit of a target on our backs)

* I've been pushing on the research stuff but I only have 10 of the thirty-six samples sorted so far. I might be able to do one or two Thursday; I have no meetings until 11. And Friday, I only have the mammogram appointment at 1. It would be nice to get them at least half done but I am doubtful that will happen. I may just have to plan staying late some afternoons/into the evening once classes start.

*It's also just been a sad and stressful week, with news from the larger world (I skimmed a story on how mistreated some National Parks are being under the new regime, and I fear they won't exist in a few years, or they will be privately owned, and charge Disney level prices. And maybe my thought of "I can volunteer at Chickasaw in retirement" won't happen, but not because my knee won't allow it, but because it'll be a spa/casino for paying guests.). And the CDC shooting. And the shooting in Austin. And thinking about my mom's comment about my uncle not dealing well with the loss of his wife. And I saw a linked story from a pet rescue about a tomcat who needed medical help and he had lost an eye, probably in a fight. And it's all very much and I feel like I'm kind of emotionally raw right now.

*Another thing eating at me is AIs and LLMs. Both from the side of being a professor: I realized that the "article discussion and critique" write up I have students in one class do will be a real temptation for someone to use an AI to write their paper for them, so I may have to change the rules and say "okay, now I will call on you during the discussion period and have a question for you concerning the paper, be prepared to answer it or forfeit points" I wish the dang things had never been invented.

* But also, as a person whose main "skill" was "having knowledge that she can pull up out of her brain," what AM I if there's no longer any value in knowing stuff? I mean, yes, being an educated person with a wide range of knowledge has been devalued for a while, but now it seems worse, like "nothing you can do is something a computer can't do" and......there's nothing special about me any more. Maybe there never was. It does feel like some of the so-called techbros are trying to do things to eliminate the value of much of humanity and I don't like it.

* I remembered this piece today while I was working; and this evening I looked it up again:

 I think some of my distress is I really haven't gotten out much at all this year. This summer, nearly every day was working on research or teaching stuff. And literally a lot of days it was me working in my lab all morning, running home for lunch, then going back and working until maybe 4. And I didn't get OUT other than that one museum trip and a couple shopping trips, and the trip to Fort Washita, when it was really too hot to enjoy it. And once classes start there will be no time. And I think I am losing my sense of wonder and joy in the world and just feeling like a drone. 

* Maybe things will feel happier once classes start and I'm not working on the same thing six hours a day every day, and when other people are around. 

* I also want the chicken to be done so I can work a little on some of the unfinished projects FOR ME before I have to begin the one for my niece's birthday in October. I dug out some books I'd not looked at in a while and found a couple patterns I would like to make, but I MUST finish some of the things I have in progress yet. 

little more progress

 I got the current simple socks up past the gusset decreases. Now the colors look more "totally '80s" to me than "Easter egg," maybe I should have made the socks bigger and scrunchier with looser cuffs

 I also started the shortrowing on the chicken (this is the one I am giving to a colleague with multiple grad students and a hellish overload, so she's stressed and needs an emotional support chicken). You can see the diagonal on the right side; once I finish that side I go over to the other side and repeat it there. Then there's a different set of short rows to shape the "breast." It's a pretty clever pattern but I may be tired of it by the time I get the one I'm making for my niece's birthday done.

 I sent off a sympathy card to my uncle (and said "And family" because I know at least one of their grown kids came in). It's a little trickier to know what to write when someone isn't a person of faith (of any kind; I can look up what someone of a faith different to mine would consider good). I went with "my deepest condolences" which isn't much, but it's something. I figured it was better to write the quick thing and get the card in the mail instead of having it sitting on my desk at home for a week or two while I tried to think of what to write. 

I spoke to my mom last night and she just said "he's taking it pretty hard," which maybe isn't surprising (given knowing people in my family). I hope having his kids around will help. I know he has plans to move closer to one of them now.  

I had a bad pain day today. I don't know if it was the weather (hot and humid, and we're supposed to get rain tonight but not yet), or that I hadn't done my PT stretches in a few days (I did them this evening even though I'd rather spend that half-hour knitting), or if it's just stress and sadness over a lot of things. Or maybe even allergies; I sorted through three more (of the 36) samples today, and while I wear an N95 mask while doing it, I think I'm still getting exposure to mold spores. 

Anyway, I HURT today, and it was kind of miserable. I took a tylenol with dinner (I do that only rarely) and like I said, I did the stretches, which seemed to help. If it were less than 95 degrees out I'd consider a heating pad, but I think that would just make me crankier given how hot it is. 

At least I managed to get my "reserved parking" sticker today - we have free access to parking in many lots, a few lots are "reserved for permitted faculty" and you can buy a faculty permit (if you are faculty) for $50 for a full year, which is cheap enough. And one of the lots is the one next to my building, meaning I have guaranteed close parking (the front lot is the reserved lot; there are a few unreserved spaces in the back lot but students can use those too, and while I could get one coming in at or before 8 am, I couldn't run home for lunch on days I don't have an afternoon class and get a spot there when I came back. So the reserved spot is worth it to me)

 Wednesday is our day of all-meetings, Thursday is departmental meeting, Friday I have my annual mammogram in the afternoon so the rest of the week is going to be busy 

and another loss

 My mom just called me. One of my aunts, the wife of my dad's middle brother, just passed away.

 

She had had dementia (probably Alzheimer's) and I didn't know it, but she recently had a stroke, too, and she died last night. 

I think of what my friend Wanda said, about how when someone you knew when you were younger dies, that you are not just mourning the person, but in a way, mourning the experiences you had when they were around, and it brings home that those times can never happen again.

I admit we had at times a difficult relationship; she could be kind of picky and I admit at times she rubbed me the wrong way. But me being me, I kept my mouth shut and usually just went avoidant. 

But still. I remember her at my brother's wedding, and I remember her laugh, and I remember the family reunions. 

And knowing my family is a bit smaller now is hard.  

I'm in here trying to work on my research but also running into a few logistical (mainly: lack of space for things) issues and now it's a little harder to do it. 

Little more chicken

 I got the second part of the tail done, and hooked them together (there's a crocheted ridge that hooks the two halves together. And I picked up all the stitches for the body and did the stripe of darker yarn on the back. 

I have a few more rows of the main color before I start shortrowing to shape the body 

It was incredibly hot today but I did get out to Albertson's. 

And also Katy Depot, again. Here is another shot of the chandeliers. It still amazes me that this was once a train station.

 

And yes, I bought yarn. A hand dyed yarn with sequins, for a hat. 

 

I also ran to Michael's; I had a voucher and as it turned out the thing I wanted - that I had looked at on a previous trip and considered but not bought - was 30% off. I got the last one.

 

It's a Halloween decoration, of a cat head. They had other "spookier" cats with orange eyes but I preferred this one.

 

And...okay, this is maybe a little out of character for my generally trying-to-be-family-friendly blog, but they had these letters hanging up, and someone before me had come through and....adjusted.....the letters in one of the ways you typically see done....

 

("Here's your sign"? Heh.)

 

I also got my groceries, so I can now avoid going out most of next week 

Aw cripes, no

Probably should content warn this: disaster and death and other sad things. Not directly to me, but bumming me out because I care about people and because I guess I still carry a little trauma from a couple deaths of people I cared about. 

 

 Read something this morning that made me profoundly sad:

"Flood survivors fought back tears Thursday as they described losing children, going days without contact from emergency management and discovering human remains still scattered in waterways even after victims who had been partially recovered were officially marked as found." (from The Texas Tribune )

 

Yes, I know everything is broken now. But....just the thought of that. Also given that I REMEMBER the months after September 11, 2001, and the absolutely Herculean efforts made to try to identify the remains found there - I remember reading stories of people asking to bring in toothbrushes of missing persons so they could get DNA to match off them. (And in many cases, it was body parts or even less thy were identifying).

I don't know whether it's that government services have been so gutted at this point that it seems like no one with the authority to do things cares, or if no one really does care. And I admit I wonder if the difference between then and now might be that this is a natural disaster, so you can't really blame anyone for precipitating it, you could only say "here are ways the people who could have mitigated things in advance (being more forceful about warnings) could do better next time" and in 2001, there were particular individuals who were citizens of a particular country (but not the one so much we went to war against afterward) that did the violence. I don't know.

I tend to believe that every human deserves a decent burial if at all possible. Their families deserve to know what happened to them.  I remember some people writing after September 11 about how some families only had a body part to bury. And I know in some cases empty caskets have been buried - not just in this case, but for people lost at sea, for soldiers missing and presumed dead, for victims of plane crashes. And it's terrible and sad. 

Every family member I've had who has died (in my lifetime at least) left mortal remains that were buried or cremated. We had the urn with my father's ashes at his memorial service; my uncle and aunt who lived near where his parents were buried took them after and interred them next to his parents. 

(It's still hard to write that)

I also think of a couple other losses in my life - Steve, who died very suddenly one Saturday early morning at home, and I got the e-mail from our then-pastor late in the day that day. Apparently it was heart issue tied to past lymphoma treatment. But it was so sudden. I remember having to be presiding elder that morning and having to deliver the news. I didn't cry openly but my eyes were watering and my voice was shaking. And I hated having to be the one to inform the people who hadn't read their e-mails yet.

And I remember when my online friend Charles Hill (Dustbury) suddenly went silent one day, and how I kept checking his blog and his twitter feed, hoping and praying he'd show back up, that maybe he had had to briefly go in hospital or something. Eventually the people who read his blog and cared about him found out - car crash, injuries ultimately not survivable. But I remember that couple of days when I didn't know. And so I think on some level I can understand the horror of having a "missing person" you care about and not being able to find anything out.

I think also, yes, I know I have some "abandonment" issues for various reasons, and while intellectually I understand that when someone dies suddenly they generally don't want to go, and if they could they would come back. I know for sure with Steve if he were told, standing in line at the Pearly Gates, "you can keep moving forward in this line, or we can send you back to Earth, alive, for some more years," he'd take the second option, and he'd have been there in church that morning to hug me, like he always did. 

But emotionally.....well, there's still a lot of the scared little kid/ the little kid eating her lunch alone in a dim corner of the lunchroom and wishing she had someone to sit with her inside me, and when I lose someone it brings that up. (Having a close friend fairly abruptly "drop" me - because she got popular - when we were young teens also plays into my "I am going to wind up alone" fears)

But also. The sheer rage I feel at people whose JOB it is to do a thing, and that they don't do that JOB. and either it's that they don't care (which may be an unfair assumption of mine but it feels like many, many people in government don't care about the people they are supposed to serve, they mainly care about what they can get for themselves) or they're so overwhelmed because of understaffing that they can't. 

But anyway. The message I get from my skim of the story I linked is: if something really big and bad happens, if you wind up in (stuff) you can't get yourself out of, ain't no one coming to help you. You're on your own, kid.

And while a good 95% of the bad stuff I get into, I can get myself out of, the remaining 5% - well, thus far it's been stuff small enough where a desperate call to a church friend (like back in January of last year when I injured my knee) gets me a ride to the ER at least, or I can finally call around and hire people who eventually show up (like the repairs I needed in May of last year). But something really big and really bad where a friend can't help, or where you can't hire someone? I'm probably done for, and I don't like that feeling. And I admit I am more careful and circumspect in a lot of what I do in order to avoid the big-bad things happening (but you can't dodge a tornado that might hit your house like you can usually avoid driving places in a rainstorm severe enough to make driving unsafe). I even avoid minor things - I keep wanting to go to that yarn shop in Farmersville, but I look at the heat indexes and go "it's an hour and a half away and at least half that drive will be on unfamiliar highways, maybe I better wait until a time where a car breakdown wouldn't literally be deadly" (never mind that my car hasn't yet broken down, and I maintain it carefully)

But the world feels like a much scarier place now. Both because the seemingly-accelerating pace of climate change makes disasters more likely, and likely to be worse when they happen, but also, it really does seem that those charged with helping either can't do as much, or won't do their jobs. 

I'm also thinking about that dead dog yesterday. it made me sad to see it, but also, the....smell....was overpowering. I think my colleague asked if maybe we should call the Corps of Engineers (the site managers/owners) about it, but I said not to bother, you can't get them on the phone, and given the very limited maintenance we saw at ANOTHER, more popular, site they manage, maybe they've had their budgets cut and have fewer staff.

And God forgive me, but I'm not doing anything. I'm not strong enough, especially in this heat, to go out and dig a deep enough grave to bury it (it was a large dog, basically Lab-sized) and also, I don't think I could get that close to it without throwing up; I was coming close working at some distance from it yesterday.

And people often tell me that I try to take responsibility for things that are not my responsibility (the fact that I actually asked myself if I should grab my shovel and drive back out there and try burying the dog, both for some kind of vague sense of "this was a living being, perhaps one someone loved, and it is due some modicum of respect in death" and also "could this possibly breed disease that could spread to other animals" and also "other people use this site for things like horseback riding and that's not a nice thing to have to see when you go out to do recreation). But I do think I do that because I have seen enough people abrogating their responsibilities in the past that I kind of shrug and go "yeah, they won't do it, and it's not really my job, but I can." (And I need to learn not to do that). 

But anyway. A lot of things making me sad swirling around in my head today when I have to take down the first set of extractions and set up the second one, and put some field tools away, and edit the AAUW yearbook and maybe set up my Canvas pages for the fall.

I've half promised myself - since I need groceries and they have CLOSED the street near the Pruett's for "repairs" (so I can't get there easily) that tomorrow morning I will go down to Albertson's for "nicer" groceries than I can get locally. And I have yet another voucher for Michael's* that I could spend on just some "make myself feel better' craft supplies**

(*they 100% know what they're doing: spend a certain amount of money, you get a voucher, which you can spend on more supplies, but it's small enough you'll probably spend more money too. And I know they're doing it, I know it's designed to extract more money from us, and yet, it also works on me. Loyalty programs often do)

(** they're trying to bring back macrame yet again and I admit I'm vaguely tempted; I remember when it was popular when I was a kid and while I can't think of anything I might NEED - I don't have a good way of installing ceiling hooks that would be sturdy enough to hold hanging plants in a macrame cosy - I just kind of like remembering it. Sort of like swag lamps. I don't have any, I probably coulnd't get one to hang safely, but I remember them as a kid. I had one over my bed, so I could read in bed! It was nice.)

 

So anyway, I have to get down to work and finish my stuff for today 

FIeldwork is done

 Well, for the summer, anyway. Depending on what I find in this set of samples, and if we get decent rainfall in the rest of August and September, I might do an October sampling.

Yesterday was the most difficult site - the one with the longest walking, and a lot of it is over downed branches and stuff that was carried in in a past flood and hasn't decomposed yet. So it's very uneven ground, which is uncomfortable on my bad knee and I also worry about falling (I had people with me - a colleague and her research student, they wanted to scope out some sample sites and grab a little quick preliminary data). 

Today was the remaining two sites, both of which together only amounted to about the same amount of walking as yesterday's site. 

The first site is a more "public" area, and unfortunately right at the entrance, either a dog had got hit by a car and crawled off onto the trail to die, or someone dumped a dead dog there (I sort of suspect the second). It had been a little while - the turkey vultures were there. It's kind of sad to see, and worse, the smell in the heat was very unpleasant. (When I finished grabbing my samples, and my colleague and student were still working, I had to go stand upwind, by my car, because I was starting to gag)

The second of today's two sites was better - it's a local reservoir that allows fishing and has some "semi natural" land around it, including small stands of trees. It was kind of a pain in the stand because cedar trees have very pokey branches, but it was easy to collect the soil and there was no poison ivy where I was sampling. 

I was pretty worn out when I got home. I have to go in tomorrow and change over the "extraction" set ups (I have Tuesday's sample extracting currently) and do a couple other things. I'd LIKE to go somewhere and do something fun this weekend but it's going to be brutally hot again so I'll have to think about it.  

Almost a tail

 Still working on the gift-chicken. I thought I'd get the tail done tonight and I got CLOSE (there are maybe 8 more rows on the second part, then I attach then with single crochets in the contrast color), but I ran out of steam to work on it:

 I went out today with a colleague and her undergraduate research student to collect my second set of soil, and while I did that they set up a project he is going to do. We're going back out tomorrow to do the other two sites - this was the one with the largest amount of walking, so we assumed it will be the one that takes the longest.

It wasn't easy getting there. I didn't know one of the roads I would take to get out to the highway to get there was closed (apparently a water main break but they often announce those on local news) so I had to make a quick detour, and then once I was out on the main road that leads to the highway, a guy and what I assume was his girlfriend pulled out, right in front of me, from an apartment complex. On, in fact, a "trottinette"* style electric scooter. They were barefoot and helmetless and were dressed in what looked like pajamas. They wove in and out of traffic and I hope they got where they were going safely but I was not happy at having to worry about them and their erratic conduct. 

(*In French, the old-style kick-scooters - where there's a flat panel you stand on, and you hold onto handle bars, and kick your foot on the pavement to go forward - is called "une trottinette." The gasoline scooters, like a Vespa, go by a different name, and I feel like we need to distinguish in English between a Vespa type scooter and what this guy and girl were on - it seems a lot more precarious and less-safe on a common road than a Vespa would be). 

There were a few other less-than-safe drivers. You just learn to look out for people. I do think drivers have got worse since 2020.

 

But yeah, I'm tired after spending three hours out in the sun and the heat digging soil out from underneath trees. I did better this time - I don't feel heat-exhaustion-y and the humidity WAS lower than it was in June. But I'm still tired and will be glad when we're done tomorrow. 

Thinking about this

 I guess I'm going to have to do a link, rather than link the video, because it's on Vimeo instead of YouTube, but this came across my Bluesky stream last night and I wound up thinking a lot about it and posting it.

 It's based on a short essay by Alain de Botton: 

On Melancholy

Unfortunately, the original print version of the essay has been taken down, but there are a couple sites that quote bits of it.

Essentially: melancholy is part of the human condition. It's a realization of the imperfection of life, that there's pain. People you love leave or die or reject you. Beautiful things are often fleeting. 

And yet, the point is not to become bitter, but to acknowledge it. Maybe it's related to the idea I've read about called "radical acceptance" (in dealing with, for example, grief over loss: you recognize you cannot DO anything about the loss or the pain it caused, so you just kind of have to sit with the grief.)

And I think there's some truth in that. I've seen people who dealt okay with grief - I think at this point, while I still miss my dad, I have - but I've also seen people who's life was absolutely destroyed by it. In some cases it's several big losses all at once (I am thinking of someone I slightly know who lost her husband, her son, and a sibling in very short order, like within a couple months) but also in some points it may be that the grief becomes......well, it's like the joke about "they made it their whole personality"

 I do think I recognize what the essay talks about. "Life is inherently difficult, and suffering is part of the universal experience" and I see that and I feel it. One thing I do struggle with is finding the joy, sometimes, in among that. 

"The world is full of folly and greed, and it's hard to find inner peace....often sadness simply makes sense."

I think one of the problems I have now is I often see how things could be *better,* except they aren't and I don't have the power to make them so. The large number of empty storefronts in my town that could be useful or enjoyable businesses so that we don't have to drive an hour's round trip (or do mail-order) for things. The lack of fun social opportunities that work for me (and for many people). The idea that some people who would have plenty to share to make others' lives a bit less uncomfortable choose not to, even though they might not miss what they would donate. The fact that beauty can be hard to find and is often damaged or co-opted. The fact that it is hard and terrifying to forge a relationship with someone, and that it may wind up not working out, and your heart gets broken.

There are so many sad things. They are things, more or less, everyone experiences. And yet, if we all have the experiences of grief and disappointment and loneliness, why is it so hard to reach out to others and to help them? Or so hard to accept help when offered. 

I don't know. I am alone far too much in the summer (especially this year when most everyone was away off campus somewhere else, and a lot of days it was me coming in and working from maybe 9 until 4 on my research without speaking to anyone else, and then, when I get done, being too tired to think of doing anything social, even if there were something). And so I do get kind of up in my head and that makes me *more* melancholy.

But yes. There are difficulties in life. Sad things happen. And I guess you haven't much choice but to accept it. But I also wish sometimes joy was a bit easier to come by 

 

a new chicken

 The sink did get fixed. The guy called a couple minutes after 8 and said he was "in the neighborhood" and could come if I was ready (I was; I had set an alarm so I'd be sure to be up, woke up an hour before it and worked out and had been ready for quite some time). 

It was not too bad of a fix. Not cheap, but it didn't take him long - measured the sink, ran to the local plumbing supply house, came back. Used the same hardware as on the old one.

 At one point when he was going to get the tube of sealant from his truck, he stopped and looked at my bookshelf and chuckled: "That's the first Terry Pratchett I've seen 'in the wild'" (I had tucked the copy of Equal Rites on there after I had finished it). We talked for a minute or two about the books. It was a nice little moment of connection.

After that I quickly ran to Sherman - needed groceries and also wanted to hit the Michael's; I realized that I had given away all the orange acrylic I had (I had bought it a decade ago with the vague plan of altering the Doctor Hooves pattern to make a Starburst, but ran out of steam for ever trying it, and I gave the yarn to someone who was making afghans for charity). So I needed a couple skeins of orange for the chicken for my niece's birthday, and I had a good "voucher" (you get these after you spend a certain amount, but it was due to expire). And I also bought some fluffy yarn, one of those ombre "cakes" of yarn, because I got the wild hair of 'maybe I knit it up into just a simple scarf for fall" because I could imagine the fluffy yarn on a cold day around my neck.

I have too good an imagination. I can conjure up things like that and then want them - maybe not the fluffy scarf so much but the crisp fall day, and somewhere pleasant to go on it, and the scarf as a nice accessory,

 At any rate, given the voucher, it and the chicken yarn were virtually free, so whatever.

I also realized there's barely 2 weeks to the start of classes, so I better start the chicken for my colleague. 

I got the first point of one side of the tail made tonight. Had to start over because I was tired and forgot to knit back on one of the wrap and turn rows, and had to rip out and restart

 Yes, it's blue; she has some blue accessories in her office. 

Thursday evening things

 * Had the checkup today. The only advice (other than the eternal advice of "you should lose a little weight" which WAS followed up by "but you ARE very healthy") was that it's time for me to get a pneumonia shot; there's a new one (PCV 21? I think? She wrote it down so I could remember) that's recommended for all 50-and-over people. She suggested I get it "soon," perhaps implying "before the recommendations change and insurance won't pay." 

I'm going to wait though for it to get a bit cooler. I think the reason I had an unpleasant reaction to a covid booster a few summers ago was that I got it during the hottest part of the year - my body doesn't tolerate heat well to begin with. 

Also I need to get another round of fieldwork in

* Spent most of the rest of the day deep cleaning my bathroom because of course having the plumber judge you as a Decent Housekeeper is a normal thing for a normal adult to want.,

this is the (heh) sink hole

 Hopefully the replacement isn't a big deal, and hopefully they can coordinate the subfloor repair (if it's actually needed) and work with a flooring place to get someone in to do new floor covering, and arrange for a new toilet. that's not URGENT like the sink is, but I want to get it done. It will be a relief to have that taken care of.

* Today was the hottest day of the year. I THOUGHT they were promising cooler temperatures and rain but no, or at least not yet. The heat index was 110 and I wound up turning my AC up to 80 so it wouldn't overwork. (Eighty in this house isn't pleasant, and our climate is NOT such that opening a window is a good thing.) I changed the filter a little early (they're supposed to last at least a month) in case dust wast affecting the one in there and making the AC work less efficiently. 

* I'm really ready to get the fall cool-down, but it'll be at least another month.

* I worked a bit on the ongoing socks (the ones I posted a photo of earlier this week). In the course of doing some other cleaning (other rooms than the bathroom) I ran across the yarn I bought for Lithos from Knitty, and I was really tempted to start it.

Or to start the Emotional Support Chicken for my colleague, which I'd like to have done for the first day of school to give to her. But I decided to work on the socks instead; I want to finish SOMETHING up before starting something new. 

* I do also want to get to the yarn shop in Farmersville at some point but that may be something I save for Labor Day Weekend? I don't know. There's a lot to do before classes start in two and a half weeks. 

What a day

 So, I got up and exercised, and ate and then went to get dressed. I have a fancy facial cleaner (it's like cold cream, but with rose geranium added. It's in a heavy blue glass pump bottle. 

Well, I either dropped it or it slipped off the edge of the sink and hit on the inside curve.

And it broke a big hole in the sink. Yes, all the way through. I thought this was a sink with a metal base covered with porcelain but I guess not, and it did already have a tiny chip (I think I had dropped something there some months back).

I just stared at it gape mouthed for a moment, because like I said, I didn't think that damage was possible.

And then I sighed, and since it was after 8 am, called the plumber I use. I have an appointment Friday morning for someone to come out and replace it (or at least take the measurements for such). I've moved my makeup and toothbrush and hairbrush to the kitchen - I only have one bathroom but at least I have the kitchen sink to do things like brush my teeth.

I also take this as a Sign that it's a time to ask the plumber guy about how to work the logistics of getting the crummy old ceramic floor tile gone, the subfloor fixed where it's starting to subside, and get a new toilet. The one there is older than I am! (it is stamped with a manufacturing date of 1965)

I'm apprehensive because often reno work here proceeds way too slowly, and if I'm without a toilet for long.....well, I'll be staying in a motel. (But not the one I stayed in last May. It was really shabby and nasty and I'd rather pay more and go somewhere else). No, there's no one I'd be comfortable asking if they have a guest room. So I'm REALLY hoping they can at least manage the subfloor and toilet in one day, and if I have to wait a day or two for a floor guy, I could just wash myself and my hair in the kitchen sink (because I wouldn't want to get the bare wood subfloor wet)

It's stressing me out a little. I'm trying to ignore it. If I have to I'll do it; I'm not taking a "vacation" this summer so maybe I just count a few hundred dollars to stay at a motel a couple nights if necessary as a sort of vacation? (Heck, if I didn't think the guys might need me to answer questions or make decisions, I might just go somewhere ELSE, like somewhere out of town)

I worked until lunchtime on data entry, and then decided I wanted to get lunch out. Partly I just didn't want to go back home and think about that sink, partly I felt like I needed I treat. I went to a coffee shop I'd never been in here (I had not known they had food) and got a ham and cheese croissant and a chai. It was....okay. Not great, not as nice as the food from CJ's in Denison but it was fine. Better than fast food and the online menus I looked at for other places were not as appealing. 

After that, wal-mart. I needed toilet cleaner (after all, if someone's gonna work in your bathroom, it needs to be as clean as it can be). My intention was to also get one of those make up mirrors on a stand - I had wanted one for a little while but had never got one, and having one now would make it easier this morning and tomorrow (and any other morning where I have to use the kitchen sink to get ready). But I forgot that, because Wal-mart is renovating and it's impossible to get around and impossible to find things. 

However, I did get shredded cabbage for okonomiyaki this weekend, and the cleaner I needed. And I found this:

 It's a little alarm clock. Shaped like a dinosaur. I had been wanting a small alarm clock to have next to my bed - I had been using my phone since my knee injury last year, but  I'd rather leave it on charge overnight and there's no convenient plug. And the nice thing about this is it lights up for about 30 seconds (and changes color!) when you tap the snooze button, so in the middle of the night, you can easily see what time it is. 

But the annoying thing? Instead of just being in a box, it's in a box with an anti theft device that's annoying to remove (it was a $10 clock! It was inexpensive!)

Little screws! Attaching the clock to its box! At first I thought "well, okay, maybe these are the attachment points for the battery cover, and you just reinstall them later" but no....there's an even smaller screw holding on the battery cover. So I had to search for a Phillips head screwdriver to remove it from the box. But I finally got it out and the batteries in.....

and realized I had forgotten to buy the make up mirror.

So I went back (after first checking online to be sure they had one in stock). Got it, so now I have that. But still - a frustrating day. 

And tomorrow after my doctor checkup I have to clean the bathroom and try not to be too anxious about "strange people are coming in to my house"

But maybe if this - and the eventual other repairs - go okay, maybe I get up my courage and FINALLY replace the dishwasher this fall, given that I finally have the money for that AND the subfloor repair. 
 

the heel turn

 Heh. Not the kind from wrestling (Hulk Hogan died a couple days ago, one of the bigger heel turns in recent years)

 

No, I mean on socks. I finished the flap of what I am thinking of as the Easter egg socks tonight

 

And then I turned the heel.

 

 

It's hard to get a lot done on stuff. I've been working over at work, crunching numbers, and I'm tired when I get home. So I'm not doing as much knitting, but I want to push to get as much research as I can done before the fall classes start. I have a tentative promise from a colleague to go out and help with the second soil collection, maybe next week. We're supposed to get some rain this weekend so that would be a better time than many - though it's still going to be brutally hot, which I do not like. 

I also really want to plan at least one or two more days of fun stuff. I want to make time to get to that yarn shop in Farmersville, and maybe find another museum somewhere that's reasonably driveable. I'd LIKE to go to Chickasaw but it's going to be awfully hot most days, so that may be out. 

Much good, little bad

 I missed Friday because I was Out most of the day, and when I got home I was tired enough I didn't want to.

Anyway, first big good: bloodwork results came back. Everything good, right where it should be EXCEPT Vitamin D considerably low. Womp womp.

In my defense, I had run out of the capsules and thought, "well, maybe since I'm outside a bit more and it's summer, I'll be fine.

I think I was actually Not Fine. I looked up symptoms of a deficiency and while they vary a lot from person to person,  but they can include bone/joint pain, muscle cramping, fatigue, and low mood. 

Yeah. Guess what ones I had. I had weird muscle cramps in muscles you would not expect - my right thigh as I was lifting that leg out of my car in the tight confines of the garage (granted, that is the leg with the injured knee), the side of my neck (I bought new pillows just because I thought my old one was screwing it up), and my intercostals (bending down and stretching to reach something that fell and rolled under a desk). 

And maybe the other pain? I had been having some trouble with my back that I attributed to aging.

 And then mood. And really, it's hard to tell? It can be hard to notice a low mood sometimes when you're in it (though I knew I hadn't "felt right" since maybe April) and of course I attributed a lot of it to "well the world as you know it is falling to pieces, you soon won't be able to afford any of the things that make life worthwhile (tariffs) if you can even find them (shops closing down because of PE or because of the general bad economic conditions), and your loved ones who depend on Medicaid will be thrown off it, and you better start donating more money to food banks because SNAP is being cut" and everything seemed pretty bleak. And yeah, some things do look bleak but given that I restarted taking vitamin D actually a week ago (I found a partial bottle, then I bought more on Friday) things seem.....a little less bleak? And I feel a little more energetic? And my knee has hurt a lot less, so maybe there is something to it. (Vitamin D is *expensive* though)

SO anyway. I'm finding myself looking at knitting patterns again and thinking "these are things I want to make when I finish at least one of my current projects" maybe is a sign.

And Friday, I went down to Sherman/Denison. I needed groceries, I needed Vitamin D, I needed batteries, I needed a bunch of little things. 

But I also went to Michael's and to Books a Million. Michael's had one of those "52 Weeks of..." knitting-pattern books (I had the socks and the accessories ones; this one is "simple knits" including some nice sweaters) so I got that. And I bought yet another different set of yarns, this time marls in two shades of blue and that's going to be the final FINAL choice for my colleague's emotional support chicken (one of the things I want to start once I've finished up the little mitts and the current socks). 

And at Books a Million, all I bought was "The Blueberry Pickers" (which looks interesting) and then I saw this

Yes, I do not need another plushie.

BUT: I had ordered a bear - the newish Sun Bear - from Skoggy back in June, never got shipping information, messaged them twice, never heard back other than a weird and probably AI generated message claiming they had had to fire someone who was lying about shipping times. So I did a charge back on my credit card. (I did what I could to cancel the order, but they're really uncommunicative at Skoggy. Probably a company that grew too fast, or else they have some bad, bad employees)

So this creature - I have not named him yet - will kind of, sort of, be a replacement. 

And he is shaped like a friend.

I also got a new lunch kit:

 Yes it's for children. No, I don't care, and if someone looks funny at me and says "you have a Bluey lunchbox?" I will respond with a deadpan "yes."

I also did go to Katy Depot. Bought some yarn for a cowl from that new accessories book, and took some photos of the nice planting there:

 

There are black eyed Susans in there, and some kind of artemesia and there's ageratum, and all of those have species native to Texas, so I'm wondering if it's a native planting.

It is dedicated to veterans, especially those who never came back home:

 I also went to Albertson's. Grocery shopping is more fun when you know you don't have to be particularly restrictive about carbohydrates or protein (given normal blood sugar and kidney enzymes)

I did buy myself a treat, a piece of chocolate cheese cake

 

On Saturday, I cleaned house. That also helps.

And I dug around in my storage boxes to see if there was anything I wanted to bring out. I found some yarn I may want to use at some point soon, and I found my big stuffed Wooloo - who had gotten a little dusty and grubby and I decided to have a try at washing her (I have found that even if most stuffed toys claim they can be surface washed only, most survive a run through the washer and dryer on gentle, especially if you put them in a closed-up pillowcase. Even my super fragile old Pink Panther from 1978 that I found in my mom's basement survived washing that way). And I had wanted to wash Squishy Dog because I sometimes sleep with my head on him, and I've dragged him along while traveling. So I put them in together. 

Wooloo fared very well but it took several rounds in the dryer to get her dry

Squishy Dog is a bit more like Lumpy Dog now - the "super soft" stuffing in these types of critters tends to clump, I guess

He's still OK though

 

He is ALSO sitting on my original copy of Piranesi, which is a reminder to me - my Folio Society edition came, so I have this one to give away

So: if you have never yet read it, or know someone who would like a copy, I have my hardback I could send (within the US only, sadly, because shipping costs) book rate. If no one comments or e-mails me in a week or two I may just take it down to the library's used book sale, or I might see if I could get a buck or two at the used book store in Denison (but that's more effort than popping it in a bag and sending it from here)

I also knit more on those bright odd Easter egg color socks. I guess I'll keep them. 

I'm also reading away on The Enchanted Greenhouse and really enjoying it, just as I did The Spellshop by the same author. (Similar stories, though different characters, though there is the link - this one is the story of the woman who created Caz, the sentient spider plant, what happened to her and how she was rescued from having been turned into a statue, and how she probably has a Bigger Purpose saving something else - I'm not quite far enough in to see if she is the one who succeeds or if another character does it.)

Anyway, these books are just FUN. Fun in a good way, fun in that they set up a different world with interesting internal logic, fun in that you know they will end happily. Fun in that they have enjoyable characters in them.  

another trip out

 I had Annual Bloodwork today, which kind of eats the morning - first of all, it's FASTING bloodwork, so you can't have breakfast. 

I normally eat around 7. My appointment was at 8:30 and it was closer to 8:50 when I got called in. I did run and get a big breakfast (eggs, grits, pancakes, sausage, and I suspect sausage no longer agrees with me). 

I sat around for a while at home, but midday decided that I needed to go out and do something. It seemed too late to consider driving to Sherman for anything. So I decided, even though it was hot, to go to Fort Washita and at least look around a little bit.

I had been there around 2007; I remember it because it was the flood year and I was trying to find alternate places to do forest sampling because all the places I normally took students were flooded out. In the intervening years, one of the old buildings (one of the barracks) was burned in an arson incident, and then more recently it transferred from the state (during our budget failure in 2016) to the Chickasaw tribe, who now run it.

It's kind of an unusual fort; the original purpose was to protect the "removed" people (the Choctaw and Chickasaw people moved here from Mississippi and Alabama) but I think it also played some role in the Civil War, it was occupied for a while by Confederate forces.

there's not a whole lot left, most of the buildings are merely the foundations

 

There are a couple buildings still standing, or that have been extensively restored. There is the "Chaplain's House" which is now a small museum and is the headquarters (and they have a very small gift shop). 

 There's also a log cabin, I think this was lived in by Douglas H Cooper. There's also a reconstructed room in the cabin

 

They have it protected by Plexiglas so it was hard to get a good photo without reflections.

The Chickasaw people have put up some really detailed informational signs, I do not think there was anything like this before they started caring for it in 2016. The signs add a lot.

 

They also have some displays inside the headquarters - there are mannequins with uniforms from the various eras of the fort, and a display of flags, and a model of the fort itself.

 

 

There are also drawers of artifacts found on the grounds - old pipes, and a couple of locks, and some bits of pottery, and also arrowheads, and the docent there said he thought those might date back even before the Chickasaw and Choctaw people being here - so back to the Kiowas and even maybe some of the Mississippian peoples. 

I didn't walk around as much as I might have wanted to because the heat index was over 100. I did walk as far as the west barracks (which were occupied until the 20th century, and then fell into ruin) and the south barracks (which were the ones damaged by arson in 2010)

 

It was interesting and I'd like to go back at a time when it's more comfortable to walk around more

It's very still out there, except for birds and cicadas and the wind - you don't hear any "modern human" noises:

 

"Cringe but free"

 "Cringe," as it's used on modern Internet lingo, is a little hard to define. Maybe like the famous Supreme Court Justice's definition of pornography, you know it when you see it. 

There's been a little talk about stuff from 15 or so years ago seeming "cringe" now. Today I saw the idea proposed on Bluesky that the tv show "Parks and Recreation" is now "cringe" - it's too earnest, too nice, not cynical enough. (I think things coming to seem "cringe" is very, very different from "aged badly." There are MANY movies and shows that aged badly because they played on stereotypes that are now realized to be hurtful, or humor that is crueler than it should have been)

That said, there are some programs out there - or at least I think there still are, I don't watch them - that do lean into that "mean" humor, where they think mocking everything is the way to be. 

And that led to another opinion, expressed by one of my mutuals on there - that "edgelording" (that is: regarding nothing as sacred, using mean humor, and being cynical about everything) is what's got us in the current mess we're in. That by rejecting earnestness and kindness, we are now reaping the whirlwind of selfishness and cruelty. And that has the feel of accuracy to me.

I know I have often been out of step with my generation (X). I remember being mocked in fifth grade for liking The Muppet Movie ("that's for BABIES") and I knew I didn't fit in to the point where I tried to embark on a "make myself normal" campaign by doing things like listening to Top 40 radio rather than the classical music I liked* and watching shows my peers liked but that I didn't care much for. 

It didn't help. Probably part of it was I couldn't fake it; I already had what they saw as "the stink of being a loser" on me, and also, I couldn't LOOK the part; I couldn't afford the right clothes and my parents wouldn't buy them for me, and my hair was unruly and the wrong color to be popular hair. \

(*I think I got that from my dad; I remember listening to Karl Haas' "Adventures in Good Music" on WCLV with him, and my parents had a LOT of classical-music records - mostly Mozart and Brahms and Beethoven, and they also had a lot of cast-recordings of musicals and operettas)

Anyway, once I hit prep school, it mattered a little less. Most of the people there were weird eggheads like I was, and the ones who were from wealthier/more powerful families mattered less, because I had a core group of friends by that point. 

And the funny thing? I remember when I was in grad school, someone brought up the "John Denver and the Muppets" Christmas special, which I remember in earlier times my peers mocked, and almost to a person, everyone was like "Oh I LOVED that show! It was so good!"

So I don't know if people grow out of that kind of cynicism where things that are just fun and innocent are mocked, or if, as you get older, you look back on stuff from when you were a kid, and go "you know? that really was kind of nice and good."

And I unapologetically like things that some more edgy types might deride as cringe - I still love the Muppets. And I watched My Little Pony when it was on and enjoyed it greatly. And I love Bluey (I would argue it's one of THE most "emotionally intelligent" shows on tv right now). And yes, I still like Parks and Recreation and similar shows, where the humor is....it's hard to describe but it's more laughing WITH the quirks people have than laughing AT them. 

Anyway. I like earnestness and kindness and humor where it's "Oh yeah, she always does that, it's cute" rather than "get a load of her, what a fool." I like where groups of characters are a literal family (as on Bluey) or they come to be like a family (like the co-workers on Parks and Rec). Maybe it's because I am a fundamentally lonesome person, I don't know. But it's nice to see people who, on some level, care for each other (and who, bear each other's quirks, believe in each other's dreams, hopes for good things for each other, and endure the bad times others have). Perhaps it is that the outside world seems too mean to me right now, and I want to see characters being supportive to each other - maybe to keep the fiction alive to myself that more people could be like that. 

But maybe if we were less about being the top goat on the dungheap by pushing the others down, or that we have to get in that "sick burn" against someone else who doesn't deserve it, maybe we'd have a better world? Maybe we do need to be kinder, more earnest - yes, more "cringe." I suspect the problem though is that to be "cringe" is to be vulnerable - to risk the mocking of others who DO still want to be the top goat on the dungheap (which I really think is why the kids in my fifth grade class mocked me for liking The Muppet Movie and then proceeded to, to a person, list "The Jerk*" as their "favorite movie instead. That my  perhaps-slightly-naive or perhaps-even-slightly-neurodivergent honesty made me a target, and they closed ranks to make a wall that closed me out.

(*Yes, it was R rated! Eleven year olds had NO BUSINESS seeing it! And I bet many of them had NOT, but just wanted to jump onto the bandwagon)

But that closing-of-ranks to leave someone outside, someone who was maybe a little too earnest or a little too....I don't know, "immature" isn't quite the right word, but perhaps willing to hang on to childlike things? 

But also, yes, as I grow older I find a lot of things from my childhood (or even tweenhood) bring up happy enough memories that I look at them and smile. I still like the OG Smurfs (I'm not sure I care much for the updated versions of them). And Strawberry Shortcake and her many friends. And Garfield. And Snoopy and Woodstock. And I enjoy "kids' movies" (though some Disney and Pixar offerings are as much for adults, I think - I rewatched "Soul" when it was on the other night and I think I like it better, and was more moved by it, as an adult in her 50s than I would have been as a kid) And of course I have MANY stuffed animals, some of which I sleep with in my bed. (And yes: I do sleep better with one of the squishier ones hugged to my chest; a current favorite is a largish (like maybe 20" long) version of Mei in her red panda form from "Turning Red" (which I have not seen yet, but want to, but the plushie-Mei is very nice to either hug or pillow my head on) 

At any rate: I'd rather be cringe than edgelord. In fact, somewhere I have one of those pinback badges, with a fan-drawn version of Garfield on it, and the legend "I am cringe, but I am free" 

I just wish more people were willing to open their hearts to the joy of being "a little cringe" or at least not have to be so over-it-all. 

Little more sock

 I'm up to the heel flap on the current socks (I can't remember which line of Opal it was, and I don't have the ball band handy, if I even kept it).

I think I like it better now. It's bright, but it reminds me a little of Easter eggs

 Other than that, it's just hot. We're going to be in the low 100s this weekend so I guess I don't go out and do anything.

I also realized today that perhaps part of my summer malaise is that a lot of the things I think of when I think of "comfort things," I think of things like wrapping up in a blanket or making a cup of tea or putting on a big sweatshirt, and none of those are remotely appealing when it's this hot, and I can't really think of anything equally comforting that's hot-weather friendly. And here, hot weather just has to be outlasted - it an go until October some years. 

Also the news of the world, large and small, continues to be distressing, and I guess that's just something that also has to be outlasted.  Sometimes I feel like it would be easier if I had family nearby but that's not possible either.  

the whole set

 ...Well, as far as I can tell. 

A while back, I posted about a couple old childhood toys my mom found and asked me if I wanted them. I did - in fact, I had thought they had gotten lost and were gone forever. So I carried them back to me.

I knew a little history of them - they were premiums given free in the early 1970s with Crest toothpaste. I don't remember when or how I got the elephant and hippo, but they were the first ones I got, and then the lion showed up in either a Christmas stocking or my Easter basket the next year.

I also knew of the existence of an alligator (the son of family friends had that one) but I hadn't known there were others. And I thought "well, if I can find the alligator for a decent price, maybe I try to complete the set.

I did, earlier this summer. But then I learned there was also a rhino and a bear, neither of which I had ever even seen before. A quick Etsy search turned up a package deal (rhino, bear, the alligator, and the elephant) for not too bad of a price, and the thought of having a full set was pretty irresistible. (I tend to be a "completist" about things like this). 

So now I have them all. And two alligators and two elephants:

The rhino (orange) is particularly cute. It's funny; when I was a kid a lot of my friends and I thought of rhinos as "mean" animals (e.g., sometimes the "villains" when we played with our little zoo animal sets). Maybe that was because in the "furry" version of Robin Hood, rhinos served as the Sheriff of Nottingham's henchmen, and most of us had seen that movie either in its original run or at a revival theater. But I've since read that rhinos can actually be kind of goofy and funny, especially the young ones (there's a video making the rounds of a baby rhino in some zoo somewhere scampering around and trying to get his keeper to chase him). Apparently hippos,which look more "cuddly" are actually pretty dangerous. 

But anyway. It's nice to have these even if I have a spare gator and elephant (I might keep both of those, at least for now. I don't do the Etsy/eBay selling thing, and I suspect no one local would be interested in them). Maybe eventually I find another person of my age who remembers these and want their long-lost alligator or elephant back...

They show a little wear, typical of plastic things from the 70s that were played with; there are some stains from contact with other plastic items. At some point if I have the energy and figure out the best/safest soap*, I could mix up a basin of soap and try washing them a little to see if some of the stains come off

*Murphy's Oil Soap might work for that. 

I should get a little shelf for these; there are too many to fit on one of the little wall shelves I have up, and anyway, one has the Bangor and Aroostock HO train car I inherited from my dad** and the other one is where my Mirabel Madrigal doll sits. 

(** long story but for quite a while he had stock in Bangor and Aroostock; possibly his dad originally bought it. He also had a HO trainset for a while when my brother and I were kids. I think he either bought his car, or maybe was sent it by the company, but never really used it (it was in a separate box from the others) and eventually after he died my mom asked me if I wanted it as a keepsake and I decided to take it. I remember the train set better than my brother does; our dad worked on it more actively before 1977 or so. Bangor and Aroostock is gone now; bought out by one of the other companies. A lot of the little old regional railroads are gone, either fused in to Conrail or something like that.)
 

A new book

 Yeah, maybe I do put All Clear in time out for a bit, because this came today:

Sarah Beth Durst's second romantasy book, The Enchanted Greenhouse. It's set in the same universe as The Spellshop, and apparently centers around a character mentioned, but not really seen* in that book.

From the blurb it looks like the plot may be similar, but that's okay. Maybe I need a comforting book right now, where nothing very bad happens to anyone and you know going in the protagonists will have a happily ever after. 

(The more and more I learn that real humans don't really get a happily ever after, the more I want stories that have that)

(*she broke a rule and was turned into a statue)

It's really funny - ten years ago I would never have considered a true romance novel, nor would I have considered fantasy. (I don't know what kind of fantasy this is. It's not HIGH fantasy in the sense of swords and dragons; rather more a world with magic and some sort of fantasy creatures (cats with wings!) and it's in some ways a gentler world then ours. I think of "high fantasy" as being a wilder and potentially more violent world than ours....)

 

I also broke down and ordered the Folio Society version of Piranesi. I want to read this again, and I want a "permanent" copy (And, to be fair: I want to see how they did the treatment of the illustrations of The House in it). When it comes, if I can quickly find where I tucked away the original copy I had (one of the early runs of the hardback), I'll offer it up to anyone (stateside, shipping has gotten high) who wants to read it. I enjoyed it a lot when I read it in 2021 or 2022.

Other than that, today was a frustrating day. It was too hot to go to Fort Washita (after spending an hour or so in a hot kitchen helping cook up taco meat for a kids' camp activity), so instead I decided to try a "discount grocery with Amish products too" I had read about.

 It wound up being not the best choice, and unlocked some unhappy childhood memories.

It was about a 40 minute drive, which even for here, even for me, is kind of a lot. I can get to Denison in just over 30 minutes, and they have a lot more things. I can get almost to Ardmore in 40 minutes. 

They had Amish products, but not really any more than the place about five miles from me does (and they also have cheese; this place didn't have much cheese). 

There were some weird things about the store - for one thing, there weren't chiller cases; there was a "cold room" (though I DOUBT it was the requisite 40 F for refrigerator safe temperatures) that also had freezers in it - but the milk and stuff was just out on shelves (and they didn't have the kind I preferred, so I will have to take a run out tomorrow to get more). 

The "staple" groceries were ....discount. Things close to their expiration dates, and things with damaged packaging. The candy, for example, a lot of it was from Christmas or Valentine's day. And while I guess it's fine and it's not wasting food, I think that's where the unpleasantness came up for me, and it just turned me off.

I remember, very vaguely, when I was a kid, my family sometimes shopping places like this. Where you didn't go in with a list because you didn't know what they'd have (so you can't plan your meals and get everything one place, and that always irritates me) and it was also.....just kind of sad and dim. It was not well lit, it was a big cavernous space. It felt uncomfortable and sad to me and I'm SURE that's half remembered childhood experiences. 

I can't remember WHY we went that. My dad did tend to be the kind of guy who never met a bargain he didn't like, but I also wonder if there were times in the early to mid 70s when they were being very frugal (maybe to buy a car? my dad really hated going into debt for anything other than a house) or maybe the house they had the mortgage on was really a little more expensive than we could afford, or maybe there were genuinely times when we were in financial difficulty?

This also bled over into things like clothes; I had "cheap" (inexpensive and not name brand) clothes, and I got ostracized and made fun of at my school for it. I mean, now I know that was the kids in that stupid stuck up town being stuck up and mirroring the attitudes of their snob parents, but at the time it was incredibly isolating and made me feel like no matter what, I would never fit in, and I DESPERATELY wanted to fit in.

And we didn't get much allowance, so buying my own clothes was out of the question; it would take me a year to save up enough for a pair or two of "the right kind" of jeans and a popular top.

So in that store, that kind of came rushing back, and it crashed my mood. I did buy a loaf of Amish-made bread and a jar of jam, but I don't think I'll be back; I get get the same at the little "Amish store" here without the reminders of how we lived in a town "too rich" for us when I was a kid. 

I came back and had to pick up a prescription, and on the way home thought to run to Pruett's for milk and eggs (the only things I really needed) but they had NONE of the kinds of milk I would buy (but lots of Lactaid*) so I just didn't bother getting anything and I will have to run to Walmart tomorrow morning and hope THEY have what I want.  

I realized though, maybe why our shelves are often low in stock: we are literally the only grocery-having town (other than things like C-stores) for maybe a 25 or so mile radius, and so EVERYONE comes here to do their shopping and so, like on paydays, every place gets hit hard. 

(*I tried it during the pandemic because it was all I could get. It tasted weirdly sweet and gross to me; maybe I can pick up on the lactose having been split into its component sugars (uhhhh....glucose and galactose, I think, if I remember my basic biology) . Anyway, I was in no mood to spend a premium for something I didn't really want.)

THEN when I got home I had to call the pharmacy because one of the tablets looked different from my previous prescriptions of it, and looking it up on line got some weird results (AI has destroyed websearch these days). It turns out they're the same but I'm annoyed that they don't put a description on the label (I guess some places do) and that online search of what should be a dead simple thing gives such contradictory results (one of the sites was claiming it was an amphetamine, like is used for narcolepsy, instead of a blood pressure medicine).

 And I really have to mow the lawn tomorrow morning before it becomes too hot for it to be safe to do that, so it's going to be hard to decide how to juggle "get to wal mart before it's stupid busy" and "mow the lawn before the heat and humidity turn deadly" and it's just a lot. 

So all those things conspired to put me in a bad mood.

but at least I have my new book.