Tuesday, April 20, 2021

Little more progress...

 I worked more on the afghan tonight. No photo, it's kind of late and it doesn't look that much different from the last one. But maybe I try to work on a different project each night until I finish things I've had going for too long?

I'm almost done (finally) with Whisky Galore. Not gonna lie, I had to put it aside for a couple days when I got to the part where Sergeant-Major Odd was writing love letters to Peggy Macroon because....yeah. Will never have that happen for me, partly because no one writes love letters in the real world, partly because I will never have that kind of love. It's funny how some things are sometimes hard. Also finding "Looting Spiro Mounds" a little hard because of how the (mostly Black) landowners got defrauded by the "mining" company, and how the same mining company probably destroyed a lot of the historical record of the place (not to mention, fundamentally desecrating old graves)

I do think I need to start that book on kindness I referred to last night, or maybe the novel-version of Kiki's Delivery Service (My understanding is the book came before the movie and was originally only in Japanese, but has since been translated). Something comforting to read and where kindness prevails.

Or maybe look at the new Piecework, which this quarter looks to be historical needlework - there are traditional argyle socks on the cover. (They look cool, but the traditional style argyles are a bit of effort to knit). 

***

Lots of big news in the world today, stuff I don't feel qualified to comment on. 

It just seems like.....so much happened in 2020. I was talking about the Western wildfires in soils (topic was the carbon cycle, and I was talking about how large fires can pulse carbon into the atmosphere, even beyond all the particulate matter.

And of course the verdict this afternoon, which....well, a guilty verdict of someone who killed someone else doesn't really fix things in the sense that it doesn't bring the person back....maybe it gives some sort of closure? Or some sense of justice? 

And of course coronavirus is still spreading, even in the US, which is more-vaccinated than many places in the world, and I openly admit I'm concerned the call will come down in the next couple weeks that people shouldn't travel domestically again, even vaccinated people.....and then where am I? I really don't want to take a voucher AGAIN and wait and hope and pray for things to get better....

I'm thinking about a couple articles I read, that "overdrawn at the psychic bank account" one where the author (Susan Orlean, and I think I read one of her books once?) wrote about all the logistical effort we put out to keep ourselves safe (and our families, if we have them), but we didn't get much back - certainly not the comfort of time with friends, or the fun of travel, or even really *novelty* - I think one of the big factors as to why I have such vague memories of 2020 is that I didn't DO much, and I didn't do anything or go anywhere new, and so my brain didn't bother to lay down memories. (And that may also be why the horrific dreams? My brain trying to invent something to engage itself?) I mean, I read a lot in summer 2020 and kept track of the books, but....that wasn't even enough.

And also the article about "languishing" - and how a lot of us aren't depressed, really, but we also aren't thriving, and I see that and I feel that. I mean, I am fundamentally okay - but I also see that I am not quite as functional as I once was. Concentrating is harder, work is less appealing (it's a real push to prep teaching these days) and even my hobbies don't hold quite the same appeal they once did. (And it REALLY doesn't help that there's construction everywhere, so while I could probably safely go antiquing - being fully vaccinated - anywhere I could go is a lot more arduous to get to. And so I go "Meh" and feel like it's not worth it. (Even main street, it looks like, is kind of messed up - there were big detour signs I saw on my way home for lunch and at first I thought "oh no, is it going to be a 'you can't get to or from work easily' situation now?" but it looks like it's down on main street that they're detouring large trucks from, which tells me that there's some kind of construction or maybe utility work going on).

But I do admit the "meh" feeling gives me pause and makes me concerned. Have I reached a point of something like Stockholm syndrome, where going out has felt so unsafe and/or been such an effort for so long that it no longer feels worth the reward of the novelty of going doing something different?

(And again, I ask myself: what would be fun for you to do? and I admit I come up a little empty, at least of things I can do HERE or can do right now.) 

I suspect also the various losses - they are doing a (outdoor and distanced) program of music in honor of my friend D. this weekend (he was in the Theater department) and I thought about going but I can't bring myself to, quite, thinking about it still makes me sad. I'm getting a bit more comfortable with thinking about how my dad is gone and all I have are memories, but the fresher losses - D. and the family friend Jo - are still unpleasant to contemplate. 

Oh, in less than a month I will be going to see my mom (and I will HAVE to drive into Texas, construction or no, for that, to get to the station. I am trying to decide whether to plan a different route with a different bridge so I can avoid the narrowed one, or whether to just leave a couple hours early and if I don't NEED that time (because of an accident or bad construction traffic), do a little shopping in Mineola when I get there (or stop at Celeste if the quilt shop there lives still). 

And maybe then I'll get a little novelty and a little fun and it will help. 

(Or I could take a day and go up to Sulphur - it's possible to do that and avoid construction - or see if there's anything worth going to Atoka for - or go to the Amish store up by Coalgate, and maybe I just need to push down the "meh, it might not be worth it, I don't want to drive 40 minutes and find it's not what I thought it would be" and just go)

But maybe I'm not alone in that feeling? Maybe I'm seeing the "meh" in my students when they don't interact much, or when some don't attend class regularly or do the work? And I don't know about my colleagues; these days we don't get together to talk much like we once did though I know my newest one is moving for the third (and she hopes, final time) since moving down here. 

But I do hope things get better, even if some days it doesn't quite feel convincing that they will

No comments: