Saturday, January 02, 2021

where's my cape?

 because I'm super cranky today. After the gift package for my sister in law and niece supposedly shook loose from the grip of the Tulsa sorting center the day after Christmas (I MAILED IT ON DECEMBER 8, PRIORITY MAIL), it's disappeared again. I thought I had filed a claim earlier but either they memory-holed it or I did something wrong and it never went through. So I spent time re-filing the claim. I didn't even claim a couple of the items because there's no point, and I put a $0 value on the wombat stuffie because that was just my TIME and I guess my time is worth nothing. 

I'm still tired because yes, the Southern tradition of fireworks on New Year's Eve is a thing, it was very very loud until 1 am on the 1st, it sounded like mining explosives out there so I don't even know.

And I'm reading the news of the utterly botched vaccine rollouts, and that the states have been told to "figure it out" which means that my state leadership will basically go "the people can figure this out for themselves" and there will NEVER be vaccine in my county, and I am just giving up again, for the forty-seventh time in this, this will never be over.

I haven't been out anywhere other than my office, the grocery, the dentist, or (distanced and masked with few people there) church since OCTOBER. I am going STIR CRAZY. I can't last much longer and now it's sounding like it will be another year. I don't think the people with power - who have big houses, who live where they can easily get things delivered, who are with family, who have "bubbles" of people, and who are generally being less cautious than I am - appreciate the toll this is taking on some of us. I feel like my brain is atrophying. I get ragey a lot more easily now. I am not sure how I will cope with demanding students next semester, I will probably scream at them because I'm at the end of my rope. But nobody cares. Literally nobody cares. We're all in this alone and I shouldn't even be allowed to complain because I still have a roof over my head and a job and that somehow makes it even worse to know that what I feel shouldn't "count" because I'm not starving or trying to go to work every day at a nursing home and hope I don't get sick. 

So I hyperfocus on things like being upset over Christmas presents that never got there.

I am contemplating running (with a mask on, and I won't go in if there are more than 2-3 people in there) to the small toy shop downtown and just buying something for my niece and sending it UPS. Not sure what to do for my sister-in-law, there's not a shop here with things that would be good for her. Maybe I send her a gift card. But I'm angry. I feel somehow vaguely like this is a personal failure, I should have known and sent stuff earlier, or used UPS, or something. 

I just feel very cheated. My "break" is almost over and I did nothing. Nothing. Normally if I were here over "vacation" time I'd go antiquing or something but I couldn't do even that. I'm never getting that year of my life (probably year plus, maybe 2 at this point) back and I am just furious. I know I need to let it go but I can't just yet. I feel like nothing good will ever happen for me again, and maybe NOTHING will ever happen for me again, it will just me sitting in either my house or my office forever until I finally die, and I don't LIKE that.

Maybe tomorrow I will be in a better mood? I don't know. I have annual bloodwork on Monday and that's always a source of low-level stress; what if they find something bad? what if I have to go on yet another medication or restrict my diet even more? What if I'm actually DYING and the last months of my life are going to be....this half-life of seeing no one, experiencing nothing? maybe a preview of the grave? A fine and private place, but without embraces, without fellowship, without fun, without anything? 

also I know I didn't lose the weight I was "supposed" to lose since July despite trying halfheartedly. there is only so far I can restrict food, there is only so far I can add more activity. Again, I fail. I feel like I fail at everything. 

Edited to add: gonna be a long time before I can accept Hanlon's Razor ("Never attribute to malice that which can be explained by stupidity") because in a lot of things lately, it feels like there's been active malice. I've lost a lot of my trust in fellow humans, and a lot of my liking for them. I'm basically at the point I was at after junior high, where I had some *extremely* bad experiences (including one that would border on sexual assault today) and didn't trust people, so, yay, 40 years of work undone, congratulations humanity!

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