Yesterday was not a good day. This whole week was not a good week. I know part of it was idleness - I don't do well with idleness, I don't do well with isolation. And I've been isolating because I'm pretty convinced, given the numbers I've seen locally, the new "more infectious" variant of COVID is here.
Also it's possible some of it could have been hormonal; I had that stupid racing-pulse thing (and yes, my pulse rate was higher than it's been in a while when I took my blood pressure last night). And while it briefly responds to square breathing, it goes back up after I stop.
And so I got into bed - later than was probably ideal for me, I need to start going to bed around 9 again so I can start getting up early again when the semester starts - and while I don't often pray for things for MYSELF (having somehow been taught such a thing was selfish), I said "I just need a reason to hope. I need some evidence that we're not just stuck forever"
And I don't know. I got up this morning and checked my e-mail and there was an update on the long-missing Christmas gifts to my sister-in-law and niece; they had arrived at Dulles, which is a darn sight closer to where they live than Tulsa was, and it's actually the "right" major sorting center. So I won't get my insurance money but this is better than that.
(When I got home from church, an update: it's now in the sorting center in their town, and supposedly will be delivered tomorrow. Just short of a month after I mailed it Priority Mail - and was told it would be there December 11.)
Maybe it was meant to be that the toy store was closed and I couldn't buy a "replacement' present for my niece, though I still might send her something for Valentine's Day because this year has just stunk on ice and while my brother and sister in law are being less restrictive and careful than I am I suspect there are still things my niece has not gotten to do.
And then, another bit of news - the secretary at church, who is a recent leukemia survivor (and recent widow) mentioned she is going to get the COVID vaccine on Wednesday - and another woman said hers was Thursday (these are both people over 65). I was surprised - I had heard nothing, didn't even know my county had got its allotment. I suppose they are trying to keep it quiet, but....that seems suboptimal. (I hope I get some kind of notification when I am eligible, M. only found out about it because her daughter noticed it somewhere and helped her sign up. And yes, they're using the buggy online interface others in my state have complained about).
I admit I almost teared up on hearing M. was going to be able to be vaccinated - both because "wow maybe it won't be a whole additional year before I can" but mainly because "then she'll be safe from it"
The not great news? Our organist is out with it, and the (adult, just a few years younger than me) daughter of a friend has it. (Which is why I think the more-infectious variant is here: I've seen a steep increase in "people I know" who either tested positive or got sick)
I wonder when Illinois will start vaccinating over-65s? My mother is definitely in that category and while she's a BIT safer than some over-65s (in that she does not need to work and lives at home and not in a care facility), still, I want to see her vaccinated and safe as early as possible. Even if I have to "impersonate" her online to sign her up (with her guidance and permission, of course - I have done other things online for her because she's not comfortable using the www). If that breaks some laws, so be it; they can come after me for it later.
So I don't know. I was happy when M. told me she was being vaccinated (the first dose, but apparently after a few weeks that gives pretty solid protection) this week; now I feel a little flat again because I'm realizing in this it's been peaks of relief (e.g., hearing that there was a high efficacy vaccine, then hearing that vaccine was approved for emergency use) but also valleys of either nothingness (waiting, the eternal waiting) or even despair (hearing some of the bad-rollout stories).
But I don't know. Maybe I feel a little bit less "stuck" right now? I mean, I still have to stay at home as much as possible and we will all (vaccinated or not) have to mask up for a number of months yet. But maybe it's not too much to hope that some day it will be safer to go out again, safe enough I'm willing to do it?