Sunday morning thoughts

 * People show you who they are. I mean, I knew this, but....once again, I wonder if I even want to spend much time back out in public after the pandemic is over. (if it is. "after the pandemic" more and more sounds to me like "when I win the lottery"). 

Thinking a lot about the comments in light of Ruth Bader Ginsberg's death, about her friendship with Antonin Scalia, her polar opposite ideologically. And I wonder: have we lost that as a culture? The ability to put political differences on a back burner?

Maybe we *deserved* the pandemic; maybe it was the logical outcome of "lecture at your family members who vote differently from you when you are at the Thanksgiving table" to be "Now you don't GET Thanksgiving!" 

(And yes, there's room for political debate. It's just, when there's a captive audience that might not want to be a party to it, when it's supposed to be a family celebration and catch-up time, that feels wrong to me. I remember getting up and walking out of the room at a family reunion when a really heated debate about an issue got started because I just couldn't then...IIRC, it was right after a break-up, and I was tired and my allergies were bothering me, and I had said something to try to pour oil on troubled waters and then both groups turned to me and said WHAT DO YOU THINK THEN and I just....sometimes my opinions straddle the line between the most heated and extreme positions and I've found being a moderate just sometimes means you have two groups ticked off with you rather than one)

* My cable box died. At least, I assume that's what happened: I still have internet, which comes in on the same cable, and it's as strong as ever, so....I tried the power cycle and nothing, called the cable company to see if there was a cable outage and they said no. So I guess tomorrow I have to go down to the main office and exchange it.

This means if I want some kind of mindless diversion, I either have to do dvds or watch Amazon Prime today. And I feel like I need it. 

I get so lonely and I need the sounds of people - so I admit, I'd often put something on just as background noise, so I didn't hear the creaks of an old house and the dehumidifier kicking on and off. 

I decided to go with Pandora this morning, and the 70s folk-rock/pop/some prog rock channel that cobbled itself together from a few suggestions I made, and this came across this morning as I was getting dressed for church:

And BAM, like that I was sad. It's an evocative song, describing a couple and their relationship - he is a long-haul truck driver, she is at home and is expecting a baby. Apparently it's a happy enough marriage, and home is a good place. (Denver seems to have sung a lot of songs like that). 

And it made me sad. The comment in the song about "There's a fire softly burning; supper's on the stove/ But it's the light in your eyes that makes him warm."

I never get to come home to dinner made for me. I never will. The rare time I have someone else cook for me, it's my mom, and even going to visit her is off the table for God knows how long - at this point I am reduced to praying that she stays healthy and alive long enough to outlast this pandemic so I can go see her (it is too far to drive by myself, so I have to feel okay about some kind of long distance public transport. Less for myself than "I don't want to get infected and bring it to her")

And I have no one happy to see me when I come home. And these days, largely, it feels like I have no one who's really happy to see me. There probably IS, but it's harder to pick up on in this cursed low-contact world we now live in. 

And I admit, I think of "alternate universes" - another reality where I might be primarily a wife-and-mother (probably at this point, grandmother...) and where I have a big and close family, where I didn't move 1000 miles from everyone I knew at the time and tried to forge a life here all by myself. (It was okay, really, most of the time....until six months ago.)

Or I think of one where maybe I have more power, and I use that power responsibly, and actually help people in some way. 

Or one where I'm a craftsperson, like, I can make a living throwing pieces on a pottery wheel, and I'm good at it, and people like my work. 

And I also wonder: is all this daydreaming of alternate universes bad? Like, I'm wasting my 'one wild and precious life' (line from Mary Oliver) doing it, and I should be doing something else?

 

But what? Cleaning house? pulling weeds in the garden? Writing journal manuscripts that will just be rejected?

 Like I said: I feel stuck a lot of the times these days. Probably a side effect of (gestures at the world and what's going on in it) but sometimes the daydreams I have are more satisfying than "real" life. And that's sad, and it also makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong. 

* So anyway - not so great that one of my big sources of distraction is down, and may remain down if I either can't get out to the place tomorrow or they are out of boxes (not impossible; electronics are hard to come by these days - higher demand and also China, where they are typically made, is still partly shut down. And international shipping is slow)