Friday, made it

I'm glad this week is over.

I can relax this weekend. Maybe even starting this afternoon. I will have a tiny bit of grading and if I can motivate myself to write the exam (to be given in m absence at the end of next week) that will be good.

* A dream I had last night: I was getting ready to go home (to my home, from my parents' home) on the train. Yes, both my parents were alive in the dream. I got my baggage on the train and then tried to turn back to say goodbye to them but they were still slowly coming up from the parking lot. The train was going to be at the station for a while and I managed to get to say goodbye, but I was nervous about maybe missing the train. And my dad (who was slowing them down because he walked slowly) commented, "I'm sorry, I think I'm just going to be a problem for a while yet" and then I woke up and was like "dangit, subconscious" but yeah, I also think it's true.

* STILL more thoughts on that stupid "the decade is ending, what have you done" meme:

- Biggest one: This hit at the WORST possible time for me, when I was experiencing a combination of feeling bad about not having done more this fall (because of *gestures at everything that broke in her personal life*) and also when I'm already mired in a minor existential crisis in the wake of my dad's death.

- I could be snarky and note that the fact that "a decade is ending" is 100% a human construct, and what's more, a construction of Western (Christian) culture, and in fact, if you take some theologians' pronouncements seriously, we SHOULD actually be just ending 2015 (I have read some argue that Christ was actually born in what we now mark as 4 BC, because of some early accounting mistake). So really we're not ending a decade at all, so what does it matter? Or we could have just begun 5780, so we just missed the start of a new decade.

- And also, I have done a lot of things. It's just, they're not things that last or they aren't things that are big and obvious you can point to. I followed a fairly strict ethical code - I didn't cheat or lie or embezzle or steal or otherwise treat people badly. I strove to be kind, even sometimes at an expense to myself. I roughly totted up what I've given to charity - I've probably given $5000 to Mercy Corps for both disaster and poverty relief, I've given maybe $2000 to various scholarship charities, maybe $1500 to Heifer Project in the past decade. I've met all my obligations. Yes, maybe right now I'm not doing anything "over and above" but I AM doing what's required of me, and that's saying something given everything else that's happening. I've tried to be a good friend. I've tried to be a good daughter.

- And yes, very much the problem for me is that a lot of the things I do go unrecognized or unpraised, and it's VERY easy to see someone I follow on Twitter who wrote a book and who keeps racking up compliments and praise for what they do, and feel bad, both because I feel like I haven't done anything (then why am I so tired?) and also like I don't matter. And yes, I don't see the awful reviews people get, or the haters. And I don't deal well with bad reviews, so....maybe better I haven't tried to publish a book or a pattern or anything. (Again: on social media, you see everyone's highlight roll; you see your own blooper roll)

* Though another thing that was making the rounds: "What is 2019 you doing that would surprise 2010 you?" and at first I was like "eeeeeeehhhhhh I am coming up dry again because I am boring and I never change" but I realized there are a couple things:

- The biggest one? I joined a Bell Choir (largely on a whim, and because I didn't want yet another 'fun' thing to fail for lack of support) and not only did I enjoy it, but I was able to perform as part of it without being crippled by stage fright.

- I have become more pro-makeup. I used to wear just foundation and powder to "cover flaws" but now I also wear lipstick on the regular, and if I weren't so concerned about hives (and so inexpert at putting it on), I'd consider doing eyeliner and maybe even eyeshadow some days. And that I genuinely enjoy going to the Ulta to shop for those things. I wouldn't say I'm becoming more vain, but I am taking more care with my appearance. (Next thought: getting one of those little electric-razor things that's shaped like a lipstick and is supposed to be very safe and see if I can "clean up" the nape of my neck - my hairline extends very low and it's always bothered me a bit, and jewelry catches in it and my arms (yikes, but one surprising postmenopausal thing? How much thicker the "pelt" on my arms got, and I'm not QUITE willing to wax it, because the trauma of waxing sometimes causes hives in me)

- I wear shorter skirts now some times than I would have been comfortable with in 2010. I am, in general, less....reticent with? Down on? my appearance after having friends tell me positive things. Most recently, someone commented that my smile was "beautiful." (Which is somehow different from "you're beautiful when you smile" - that seems prescriptive, like "you should always smile - but this, this I liked). That's funny to me because I always thought of my smile as slightly goofy looking. (But also: I now realize it is very similar to my dad's smile.)

* There was someone who wrote an article (no link because MEH and also I think it's a low-level paywally site) about "any adult who celebrates a 'birthday week' is bad and should feel bad" and I dislike this modern trend of being rude and judgy about things you specifically don't like. I mean, it doesn't hurt ME one bit that that guy over there wants to extend his birthday over an entire week. And anyway, most of us have to work on our birthdays....so any celebration we might get to have of it would be on a different day. And family/friends can't always be together ON THE DAY....it seems very petty and, yes, mean, to say "No, you don't get to have one get together with friends on the weekend after your birthday because you had dinner with your family on your birthday." And frankly? Adulthood has little enough to recommend it and if you can wring a little simple happiness out of it, do it.

I can only presume the writer got put off by friends who got very gift-grabby but honestly most of the people I know who do the 'extended birthday' thing do it more to have fun in - like taking friends out for a meal - than as a way to try to finagle more gifts. I don't OBJECT to being given gifts but neither do I expect them, and I am not disappointed if I don't get them. (Well. I would be a bit disappointed in the case of close relatives, mainly because I always get them gifts...)

And frankly, for me, over here, all alone, always celebrating by herself by doing something like going antiquing ALONE? I would love being able to celebrate with someone else, but that never happens because of when my birthday is, so I look at the people doing that thing and say "enjoy it for me"

* All the leaves came down these past couple days. BUT: I read something somewhere about "don't rake your leaves, leave them to decompose, it is good for the soil and the soil invertebrates" and frankly I have NEVER been more on-board with a piece of "save the earth!" advice. And it seems my city has slacked off a little of late on its "we want you all to look like a Pleasant Valley Sunday" so I can probably get away with just leaving the leaves. And yes, they will decompose (or blow away) before next summer.

* One thing I am going to do on my shopping trip tomorrow - I think I will run to Target for the few "fresh food" things I might need (milk, mainly, but also maybe fruit) and also look at the toy aisle and pick out the Toys for Tots toy for this year. (I have a tradition, every year, of either finding a toy (that is still being made) that my brother and/or I loved as kids, or pick out one that didn't exist when we were kids, but that one of us would have loved, and donate it to Toys for Tots).

* The ornaments I ordered from an Etsy seller are due to arrive today and I am low-level excited about it. I will put them on my tree, I will find space. I just like the idea of vintage ornaments. None are *exactly* like what my parents had but they have that feel.

And yeah, one of the things I will do tomorrow will be to go looking at the antique store (or stores, depending on how early I get out) I visit to see if there are any reasonably-priced tree ornaments I want or other nice little things. (Cookie cutters? Maybe I do rollout cookies this year for Finger Food Feast? I know I have a good sugar cookie recipe...)

I also want to hit JoAnn's and get a few bits of things for future projects, though I also have the yarn I ordered from Loopy Ewe coming as well....but the yarn from JoAnn's is going to be acrylic and for critters rather than for clothing. (And oh, how I wish we had a Michael's. The nearest one is in McKinney and the traffic is just too awful and it's too far to feel like it's worth driving)