* I am having to "Do an awake" as this comic strip puts it, and I would rather not. I hauled out of bed and did a short workout this morning but I would rather have stayed in bed, and I can think of a number of things I'd rather do than be here sitting at my desk.
* To try to entice myself into trying to enjoy the day, I put my newest shoes on.
And I have friends who are hurting. One in particular I am thinking of who is apparently being forced to remember/relive bad stuff in her past because of a news story from last year that's been dredged up again. I don't LIKE it when my friends are hurting; it makes me angry. Especially over something like this, where there's nothing that can be done to make it better and the people profiting off the story aren't gonna care about the distress they cause.
* The news these days feels very much like this:
* I saw a tweet this morning noting that today is exactly 100 days until Christmas, and....I don't know, guys. Yes, the spiritual part of me is ready to say "We are celebrating the coming of the Light" but the part of me that loves fun and celebrations and cute things doesn't know if she's going to be up for it this year. (I've already told myself if my mom decides she's not up for the Christmas Thing - with a tree and gifts and a big dinner and all of that - I will force myself to be okay with it).
I'm....not even sure I'll put my tree up this year.
I may feel differently in November, I don't know. But right now it seems like a lot of effort. Lots of things seem like a lot of effort.
Also, that 100 days tells me I better get to work on the socks for my mom.
* It doesn't help that we have eternal summer here; heat indexes are supposed to approach 100F again today.
* Had a bad morning's piano practice (I try to do 20-30 minutes before going over to school). I don't know if it's just a bad day in general, if I'm tired, if my allergies are bad, if grief is hitting me harder today, or what. I don't like being off my game; it makes me both sad and angry.
It does seem lately that the start of the weeks (Sunday/Monday/Tuesday) are harder than the end of the weeks, and I don't know if that's the fact that all the big recent losses I've suffered happened over weekends (e.g., the minister's leaving was announced on Sunday two weeks ago; my dad died on a Saturday) or what it is, but....yeah.
* I did do a little sewing yesterday. For one thing, I HAD to sew something in order to put my swap-box together and get it out. And going in to my sewing room was....oddly hard.
The sewing machine was where I left it - the bobbin ran out back in early to mid July when I was working on a quilt top and I just left it. And I realized, as I sat down to fill the bobbin: the last time I sewed using the machine, my dad was still alive.
I should not have thought of that.
I got the bobbin wound, and in, the item cut out (dear goodness how much I hate sewing velour; I had forgotten that). The bobbin thread kept breaking. "Dangit," I thought, "Did I foul up the tension on the machine somehow?" and contemplated dragging out the very limited instructions (I have yet to find a proper copy of the manual for this old Kenmore that they don't want like $30 for) and seeing what the recommended settings were. Then I wondered if the thread was rotten (it happens some times, but this was a fairly new spool) and I took the bobbin out to look.
I had put it in backwards. I have NEVER IN MY LIFE done that. I have sewn on a machine for close to 40 years, I have had this machine for over 30 years, and this is the first time I misfed the bobbin.
I raged at myself for about 10 minutes - my stupid broken brain, will I ever get my attention back? I mean, at this point it's freaking lucky I haven't tried to drive on the wrong side of the road, considering the other dumb stuff I've messed up! Will I ever get to the point where I'm not screwing things up and forgetting random things and doing things the wrong way and having to re-do them? I don't know. I hope so but I worry.
I did get it in right, and completed that little bit of sewing, and then added a couple rows on to the ongoing Tabula Recta quilt top....But yeah. There's not quite as much joy in the things I used to enjoy as their once was. Oh, I hold out hope there eventually will be, but...I think again of this webcomic where the author writes about losing the ability (at some point in late childhood) to enjoy playing with toys, and, yeah.
I dunno. I was happy enough last Saturday needle-felting that owl, but maybe that was because I was out of the house and there were other people around? And so I didn't have as much chance to pay attention to the small howling void that's set up shop in my heart? I don't know.
I do wish there were some kind of a craft group I could actually go to in town. There's a quilt group that meets but it's when I'm in class. And yes, I know I could ORGANIZE one but that is more work and I cannot with more work right now; I need something that other people take care of. I get so tired of taking care of everything... I need to be taken care of some time but it feels very much like that's not going to happen; some days I don't even have the time/energy to take care of myself.
* At least I got my swap-box packed up and it is in the car and I am going to force myself to leave campus at 3 pm (when office hours end) so I can send it off. I also have to get potatoes, cheese, sour cream, bacon-to-cook-up, and if chives are available, chives (or failing those, maybe green onions to cut up? IDK). My work-partner on these things and I are feeding the college-kid ministry tomorrow night and we decided on potatoes: she is going to make a big green salad and bake some kind of dessert, and I will get the potatoes ready and cook the bacon and....everything else is ready to go.
I am trying to think of other things people might put on a potato and the only thing I can think of is chili and I don't feel up for making chili; hopefully bacon and cheese will be enough protein for the non vegetarians in the group. I suppose I could buy a can or two of Wolf Brand but I'm not sure.
2 comments:
Yes, you WILL get your attention back, and your joy in doing things, and all that. It just takes time, and there's no telling how much time; it varies.
I lost both parents inside of a year (fortunately I was able to help take care of them both, and my siblings and I made it possible for them to die at home) . . . but. BUT. I didn't have time to be depressed about it then; I was too busy. Especially after Mom died, helping take care of Daddy for the next nine months. But I had time to process things BEFORE the deaths happened, which was a big help. Afterward? I slept a lot. A LOT. There was a certain amount of retail therapy (I have a bunch of patterns and felt and things to make them, and fabric for doll clothes, and books . . . ). I was very thankful for my animals (I have 8 cats and a dog) because it meant I had to get up and feed everyone, and go buy catfood, and take various ones to the vet . . . instead of staying in bed and going back to sleep. (Well, most days.)
Now, a year after Daddy's death and nearly two years after Mom's, I am mostly back to normal (or what passes therefor). I won't ever be as I was before they died, but I'm OK.
The fact that they were both more than ready to go when they died (Mom had an inoperable tumor wrapped around one kidney, and Daddy had congestive heart failure and a bunch of other elder-related illnesses) helped me cope afterward.
All this is to say simply: you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and eventually you will emerge from the darkened woods into the sunlight again.
And you can't use someone else's experience as a blueprint. Just as all deaths are different, so are all recoveries.
If, by chance, I can help in any way, let me know. Please.
(Also, I loved your pizza essay. We used to have Chef Boyardee on Saturday, too.)
Wait.
You're NOT a Raggity Anne doll?
Huh.
As for the card catalog, I've always though that the Dewey Decimal system worked fine for smaller libraries.
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