looking for good

* Thank you so much, Holly. It sounds dire but not quite as dire as what I had been imagining, and at least now I know how to direct my prayers.

* I got another surprise book from a friend (because really, even if we've never meant, if you send me a book I want, you are my friend): "The Furthest Station" off my Amazon wishlist. Apparently this is sort of a mystery and sort of a fantasy with a strong dash of the supernatural, and it's supposed to be funny, which is probably the sort of thing I need to read right now, so I think I put aside "The Provincial Lady in Wartime" (WWII, which isn't the best reading even in comic-account form) and start it instead.

* And at night, I've been sleeping a lot with either Slothilda squeezed up under my right armpit, or with my right arm thrown over Polaris, because somehow, it does feel safer with all those stuffed animals around me.

I admit a couple nights, when things have been especially bad, I've laid there and tried to convince myself that the outside world didn't exist, that it was just me and the bed I was lying in and all the pillows around me, and that nothing could hurt me or touch me or make me sad, because it didn't really exist....and yeah, that didn't really work, but.

The frustrating thing about caring about people (and about pets too) is that mortal beings tend to die and then you mourn them. And I admit I've had days where I ask myself if the happiness while they're alive is worth the mourning you have to do later on. I'm not quite to "the cup is already broken" territory yet.

* I got the evaluation of the textbook done and picked out a few books for myself (I am getting paid in books). I don't even remember all the ones I chose but they weren't ALL biology (I did get the Soil Fauna one). At the end I think the last one I ordered was a "just a cheap" one that I might not totally want so much, but it filled out the $175 that they offered. And, nothing else, I can pass it on to someone else...

* I'm seriously considering taking that picture of my dad to my next grief-counseling session; maybe the counselor will have some things to say to me about it. I *think* (in my non-educated-in-psychology opinion) the reasons it set me off were

a. I wasn't expecting it and it might have been easier if she had told me it was coming
b. As I said, the photo so captured what I remember of who he was...the smile, the posture, the clothing.

I'm still having a hard time thinking about dealing with his ties. I DO want to make something of them but right now I just look at them and feel sad. I'm going to give it a while longer, maybe that will help. (Or maybe I will have to commission someone to do it)

* But first, I have a quilt top to finish and another quilt to put a binding on, so I need to unstick myself about sewing, and work on that. And I have a small manatee to make up for an online swap I am doing, that needs to happen very soon.

* Saturday I have a needle-felting class at Quixotic Fibers. (I *assume* the class "made," we were supposed to be notified three days before it if it didn't). It was expensive and it will take half the day (including drive time) but you know? Maybe I NEED to find stuff like this to do. And maybe make an effort to go out to some of the evening things the local quilt shop puts on. One thing I really need in my life are more people semi-near me who have similar interests and crafts. It's lovely to meet up with Laura a couple times a year and spend a day or half a day doing stuff together, but I need that on a more regular basis and closer to me.

And I need to make some new friends; I need a bigger circle of friends so that when one of my older friends passes on, I don't so much feel like "my circle is dwindling and I am having more goodbyes than hellos" and I also need to get over my fear of rejection (a big thing that keeps me off from going out and trying to make friends). I mean, most of my adult experience with meeting new people have been that those people wind up liking me OK (at a minimum) or even "loving" me (at least: Mike says he loves me, Dana says she loves me). That somehow as an adult I have become more likeable or more popular than I was as a kid (or, more likely: people grew up and most people outgrew the silly stuff they did as kids....or the people I tend to gravitate to as an adult were the people who wouldn't have bullied me if we were kids together).

The easiest way seems to be going out and doing things I enjoy, that can be done in a group. (I wish we had a hiking/outing club on campus, like some campuses do. I am not up for trying to start one, though. But if there were one I'd try to take part, because I like to hike, and it's not usually a great idea to hike alone. And it's more fun with like-minded people). 

* All the weird random dumb things - in her course of going through some of the old files, my mom found a bunch of traveller's checks from their trip to London (so: 2004) that were never turned back in for cash, and she wanted my advice on whether or not she'd be able to cash them in. They originally got them at AAA but of course AAA doesn't deal in those any more. (I don't think they even MAKE traveller's checks any more). I suggested she go to the nice branch of the bank she uses; they have been very helpful previously in helping her sort out some of the things after my dad's death. I figure even if they can't cash them in themselves, they can direct her to a place that will deal with them.

But yeah. I still wish I could be up there helping. Somehow I feel like the help I could give up there would be more effectual than what I'm doing with teaching right now, but I also know I have to keep up with the teaching.

* Put on the news for a bit, I have to take it in small doses these days, but a woman in the Bahamas whose home was mostly destroyed still saying "God is good" through her sobs (her whole family was spared) and also talking about how everyone is working together and supporting each other and really that's kind of Big Mood. One of the things in the aftermath of these is you do sometimes get to see the best come out in people as they help out.

I should send a few more bucks Mercy Corps' way to help out with that...

* I need to get back to making my salad for tonight. I looked the recipe up (it's here.  And yeah, even with not wanting all the consolation people may want to give tonight (because I will cry again, and I am tired of crying), it will be good to eat with other people. I think I don't get to "break bread" with others enough; it's just how  my life worked out.

One other place I hang out - it's called Ordinary Times - is running a "Pizza Symposium" where people write essays about their memories/experiences of pizza. A very good one is here (does deal with death, in case you're in a particularly sensitive place about that). And provided the uploading worked right, in the next couple days, I should have my first-ever piece up there. I won't spoil the title, but I will say it's written under the nom-de-plume of Henrietta Lowell*. (Because I didn't want my real name out there, and also was a bit worried about using fillyjonk, because I briefly had a comment-harasser over there). I might put up a link to it when it comes out. One thing that strikes me is how many of the writers point out how important the idea of simply breaking bread is - eating with family, or with friends, or providing pizza for hungry and broke students.

But yeah. I am noticing my own loneliness a little more these days, and also condoling with my mom about how different, yeah, it is to eat dinner alone at home every night....

Maybe the next evolution of something like "social media" will be something where you can have "mutuals" (like on Tumbr or Twitter) and you can kinda go at some given time "where my peeps at?" and anyone who's available could jump on, and you could do something almost like FaceTime, so you could sit and eat your dinner in your house, and someone miles and miles away could eat their dinner (or breakfast, or lunch, depending on time zone) with you.

(*And if this goes well, I have another one percolating - about how we probably aren't open enough in this culture about grief and what it brings. It will probably be at least another month before it's not too raw to post, but I might put it up there....seems more people read over there than read here)