And yet, ironically

Maybe the Universe sends us things we need...

This was before I read Roger's comment, so I didn't know what had happened, but.

I was sitting in my office for a few minutes between my intro class and  my ecology class, and I heard someone walking down the hall and stop at my office. I looked up, and thought it was New Guy #2 standing there - I am slightly face-blind, I wasn't expecting the person who it was, and he and New Guy #2 look somewhat similar.

But then he said hello, and I recognized the voice.

DAN! It was Dan, my former student and research student, now teaching at a junior college a small distance from us. He stopped in to ask some questions about online teaching and retention (which I couldn't help with) but also to tell me he found a bunch of the old data from a succession study we did in 2005 - we had planned to revisit it in 2015 but couldn't because of flooding. He suggested that we try it again this coming summer - which would be a nice thing and would give me more research. He said he might even have a few student helpers in mind.

And he stepped in my office and leaned down (I was sitting) and gave me a hug. And then apologized for the "man hug" (though it wasn't really one of those side-arm ones I think of as a "man hug") and I laughed and said I was accepting all hugs (and told him about my dad, as explanation why). We talked a tiny bit more but then I had to run off and give my exam.

I dunno. Maybe instead what the Universe is pushing me to do is to renew old ties and try to make new ones, so I feel a little less alone in this mad, bad, sad world.

I do know that right now I feel rather battered and very confused by life because there are far too many changes in far too short a time span for me to be able to process them.

***

I don't know. Part of me, in the wake of everything (especially the last thing, our uni president leaving) I feel like "maybe I should just cut my losses and leave over summer 2020, give my notice and find another job, maybe one in Illinois or in southern Wisconsin that's not quite such a long haul from my mom (the ideal would be in the same town or a nearby town, but I'm not sure I'd be competitive for the schools there). But part of me reminds myself: you are 10 years from being able to retire with a decent pension here; and my piano teacher is here, and I have friends here, and even if I had to hop churches, is that really so terrible? The Presbyterians here seemed awfully nice. And now Dan showed back up and wants to do research again, and I was making plans to try to go out more on the weekends and do more stuff and maybe make some new friends around here.

I don't know. I think "confused by life" is probably the simplest way to explain how I feel.

I don't know what to DO with 'confused by life' though. I can figure out most emotions I feel but I can't figure out confusion and I really feel that I want something settled and right and permanent.

(Yes, I would make a bad Buddhist but that's why I'm not one.)