just too much

I have an appointment with a CPA next week. The IRS is still saying I owe money; a friend who is a CPA in another state had me read off some of the numbers to her and she thinks it's messed up.

I'm hoping the CPA doesn't wind up being more expensive than what the $1200 the IRS claims (maybe mistakenly, I hope) I owe. But maybe now it's the principle of the thing.

And I have friends who are struggling and I very much would like to scoop them up and mother-hen them but it is not possible for various reasons to.

And the tree guy is coming on Saturday and it will cost me $800 to get the broken limb taken and the hanging-down limb trimmed back

And I'm still just really sad

And the manuscript I wrote over the summer was rejected

And it just is too much, too fast, right now and I have many things I must be doing (I am several weeks behind in research, behind on another project, and I don't know what to do about those assessment tests)


I made the unprecedented step of cancelling piano lesson for this week. I just texted my teacher and said I had a really bad day and wasn't up for it, and she said "see you next week then" so at least she understands.

So I'm back at work and I need to work more on research to at least meet my day's minimum goal. Then I think I am going home and just staring at some really dumb television for the rest of the evening because I am out of cope.

I was considering earlier - before I got the CPA appointment, when I was in the throes of "do I just send a check, or do I let them come after me" of contemplating:

- at what point is *all of this* bad enough that I ask for a leave of absence from work
- how bad would it be, really, do deal with the dialling-in of dosages and the maybe-increased brain fog and the maybe-not-being-able-to-drive-or-operate-heavy-machinery-before-I-know-how-it-affects-me and the concern about allergies and other med interactions and going to my doctor and asking her to put me on something so I just don't feel so damn much.

But maybe this is one of those 'the only way out is through' things. Maybe a night of sleep, especially if I don't have any bad damn dreams, is what I need.

(Wasted more time doing a little Googling on the subject and apparently based on what I am feeling and experiencing the answer in my case to question 2 is "probably it's not bad enough right now, if it's still this bad in another month than maybe" and also the point that for me, there are moments when the cloud lifts - when I'm teaching, when I'm knitting or playing piano - suggests that what I'm dealing with is fairly normal grief coupled with some instances of bad things happening with really terrible timing. Any one of those things I wrote about (other than the grief) would throw me for a temporary loop in  normal times; when I'm already struggling it seems worse. So I guess I hold on and hope things get better, though I've been hoping for a couple weeks and they're not as "better" as I would hope they might be)

***

I emailed my new chair (who was my chair a few years back,. so I guess she is the Once and Future Chair) and asked her if I could meet with her for some guidance on dealing with the assessment tests. I've decided I just have to force myself for now to ask for help with the little things when I need it, because then maybe I won't need Bigger Help (like the two things I listed above, about 'at what point does this become necessary")

She e-mailed me back: yes, she will have time next week to help me. So at least that's one worry reduced.

But I will be glad when things are not so much and so fast and so many and so dread. I really need at least one good happy thing to look forward to. Not something work related. But one thing.

(I'm hoping the class I signed up for at Quixotic Fibers goes, even if it's time I really can't spare right now)