So THAT happened

(Sorry. This is more medical-screening stuff. I get that this is boring but I need to write about it because I have no one to talk to it about to).

Well, first off: I missed the correct turn off for the medical building where the doctor's was. And because all the stupid streets around the stupid interstate are stupid one-way, I could not back track, I had to loop around, and I was about five minutes late. (As it turned out, that was not a problem, they were running late). And yes, I was shaking and crying at that point because I hate being late.

Filled out the paperwork. Put down my mom as the HIPAA contact, contemplated putting down my driver but decided maybe that was a responsibility she didn't want. Put my mom down as an emergency contact but if I cack it, all that will do will inform them and maybe let them start making funeral plans.

(Yes. The jerk part of my brain is telling me I have just over two weeks left to live, that I will never get up off that table).

I emphasized very heavily to the first nurse that I have terrible allergies, and not always to the things "normal" people are allergic to. Brought up the story of my bad and scary experience at 13 with sodium pentothol. Neither of those cut much ice. I was crying at one point. She told me that everyone is scared, and really, it's less scary after you're done with it, the first one is always the worst because you don't KNOW.

She also said, "You'll like Dr. T., he's sweet."

I don't really care about "sweet." I care about "skilled" when someone is basically piloting a tube with potentially sharp extensions through my digestive tract.

And okay, yeah, Dr. T. is a nice man. He said he did 20 of these per day some days (holy crap, I hope he's well-rested enough). I presume the fact that he's doing that many means he's not lost too many patients....

He commented: "Wow, you just turn 50 and you come in to get the colonoscopy" and I kind of miserably replied, "Well, Dr. W. [my regular doctor] kind of insists on her patients getting them" and he chuckled. And then he asked me if I was having symptoms - no, I wasn't, in fact, my digestion was better than it had been much of my adult life these past few years.

Good, good.

and then he asked about my family. I said one aunt had been diagnosed with it about age 80 but that both my parents were in their early 80s and showed no signs of it (and he asked: "Both your parents are still alive?" and I said "Yes, very much so" and he said "Good, good, you must have good genes then" and I was SO hopeful he was either going to suggest delaying or doing Colaguard but no joy there).

He reassured me that the prep was much less dire now: "You don't have to drink a whole gallon of stuff! Just two small bottles!" (Well: two small bottles, each diluted to make 16 ounces, so that's still kind of a lot). The prep he uses is a magnesium sulfate based one and it has NO sugar alcohols in it so I'm hopeful cramping will be to a minimum. (It's not that GoLytely stuff which I've heard bad things about)

He also reassured me that they use propofol (which, of course, my jerkbag brain goes "Yeah, that's the stuff that killed Michael Jackson!" but I would hope a medical practitioner would use it more responsibly) and "once we turn it off, it leaves your system very fast. It won't be like the pentothol where it took you a very long time to wake up" (That was one of my fears - that long nightmare period when I knew I was alive and was supposed to be awake, but I COULDN'T be, it was like being held underwater or something and it was TERRIFYING)

(And reading this I learn that sodium thiopentol - which I knew as pentothol - was used as a drug in lethal injections, which is partly why it's been phased out. Well, also, I think it's just really hard on the body, I once had a doctor commiserate with me about my bad reaction to it and he added, "Yeah, and the recovery room was always full of people throwing up from it"

Though I'm not so sure I find the idea that propofol makes you "high" or lowers inhibitions at all reassuring. I just want to go OUT, have the thing done, and come BACK. I don't want hallucinations; my dreams are terrifying enough unmedicated)


(Then again: I think that's what they gave my mom when she had her cataracts done and I was shocked at how lucid and fine she was - just like normal - about five minutes after the procedure was over, so I'm hoping....)

Edited to add: though I think I maybe call back to ensure that there IS in fact an anesthesiologist on duty. Some of the side effects I've read are scary - drop in blood pressure, depression of breathing. I'm having it done in a hospital but I know some places like to cut corners and not have a full-fledged anesthetist on duty.

I don't want to die from this and I am having all the anxiety that I will.

The day before I'm on a clear liquid diet. "Don't worry about restricting calories!" chirped the intake nurse who gave me the instructions but I looked at the list of stuff (clear fruit juice. Jello or popsicles but not the red or purple kind (aka the only good flavors). Gatorade, ditto. Clear soda (okay, maybe I lay in a supply of Sierra Mist). Clear broth. Tea or coffee but without creamer. (Maybe sugar is OK? I presume it is because they didn't say no sugar, and did say sugared gatorade or pop was okay). Anyway, I don't think the problem will be too many calories.

Unfortunately, the only appointments left were afternoon ones. (She asked if I was diabetic; perhaps they reserve a few morning appointments for them, so they don't have to go so long without sustenance). So on the 8th of August, I have to eat a clear liquid diet, and then between 7 and 9 pm down the first thing of magnesium sulfate, and then do the second between 3 and 4 am. (I do not expect to be sleeping at all that night, based on the stories people have told me).

My driver is picking me up at 11 am. (I can have plain water until 7 am. And I was told to take my blood pressure meds BUT NOT the antihistamines and frankly that scares me a little and I asked about it three times but maybe if a person starts to show signs of allergy they just load 'em up with IV antihistamines? I hope?). I really really harped on "I have a lot of bizarre unexpected allergies" I hope they take it seriously. I will be in an honest-to-God hospital for it so I guess if something goes bad they can do something. I hope.

At the check out, two other alarming things:

1. Follow up appointment AFTER the colonoscopy, but that's not for 2 1/2 weeks so yay, if I survive the colonoscopy I get to worry for the first couple weeks of classes.

2. "We'll submit this all to your insurance and see what they'll cover" and I'm like holy Hell, that's the ultimate insult - not only do I have to go through this but I may also wind up paying for most of it out of my pocket?

I admit I felt distinctly unreal walking out of there. I went to JoAnn's, thinking it would soothe me; it did not. I didn't buy any fabric because I kept  thinking "If you don't make it through the procedure, just another thing for whoever cleans up after you to deal with." Went to the natural-foods store because I do need to eat these next couple weeks.

Drove home, was probably as close to being in a fugue state as I've ever been. At one point I looked down at the speedometer and realized I was going 85. (I am not normally a fast driver). I don't remember a lot of the drive back but clearly I made it safely.

Part of me just wants to say "screw being on a diet, screw eating healthfully for the next two weeks. Go on the "condemned man" diet and just eat whatever you want, and as much as you want" but then again if I DO make it through this thing, I have a checkup with my regular doctor on the 13th.....

When friends of mine said "Getting old isn't for sissies" I always thought they meant the sort of aches and pains that everyone gets, and as I've pulled plenty muscles in my time and dealt with bursitis and all I was always "eh, I can deal with that." I didn't realize they really meant the sort of extended gazing-into-the-abyss this thing brings on.

Anyway. I think I'm gonna get a Roma's pizza for dinner tonight.