And it's today

Tree branch is finally gone. (The guy showed up around 4 pm yesterday). Cost me $50 which I guess is fair.

I have written out a list of my concerns (especially in re: allergies and sensitivities) for taking to the doctor and have my medications and dosages listed even though he SHOULD have that information as apparently he's linked into the same electronic-records system my regular doctor uses. I am not looking forward to this. For one thing, it's a new doctor, which always carries some discomfort - am I going to be fat-shamed? Are my concerns going to be pooh-poohed?

For another, yeah, the whole procedure is scary. Because for me, pain/discomfort that can't be mitigated or avoided and can only be expected are scary, and sedation/general anesthesia is scary, and the unknown is scary. But mainly: this whole thing, undergoing a pretty invasive test to find out if I have a lurking internal cancer* that would require major surgery to get rid of and would totally upend my life - well, it leads to gazing into the abyss in a way I've never really had to do before.

(*Narrator voice: she almost certainly doesn't)

Yes, yes, I've had mammograms and the usual tests on the ladybits that women are supposed to have, but that doesn't seem "inside me" in the way that intestines are. (And yes, I know, a mastectomy or whatever can be pretty major surgery, but they're not opening the centralmost part of you and rummaging around). And I've had bloodwork, but it's easy to tell myself that that's just to make sure I don't have anything that's actually easily *fixable* - with a dietary change, with a new medication.

And yeah. I think that's REALLY what's scaring me most here (though general anesthesia is also pretty damn scary to me): that little demon that's now sitting on my shoulder and murmuring "remember thou art mortal" into my ear. And it's much louder right now than it's ever been. I know I've lived a blessed life but really up 'til now I never really looked around at my stuff and gone "if I cack it, who will get stuck with dealing with all this, and what will happen to it?" or looking around at my messy house and going "what will people SAY after I'm dead if they come in here and find dust curls on the dining room floor?" (And yes, I know, but there are people in my life who would comment on the state of my house, even after I was dead)

So part of the reason I want this over (though hopefully over in the sense of "This time, let's try the less-invasive test") is so I can get back to pretending that I'm not actually encased in an aging meatsack that terrible things can (and probably eventually will) go wrong with, and duct tape over that little demon's mouth again.....because I find it harder to enjoy things when that demon is murmuring in my ear....like, "Why am I knitting on this thing if I may never be around to wear it?" or "Why start a new project now?" or "What if your trying to learn to play the piano or speak German is all for naught, because you never got far enough on it to get *really* good?"

So this morning, I think I'm going to try to clean house a little. It will provide a distraction (better even than going over and trying to work would) and also will give me the comfort of "well, if you have to have the whole thing done SOON, and you are sufficiently unwell after the anesthesia that your driver feels the need to wait here with you or send someone else to sit with you afterward, you won't be quite so embarrassed" Oh, I'll still be EMBARRASSED - my house is more cluttered than is normal - but at least there won't be dust curls on the floor or a funny smell out of the drain.