seeking a diversion

I need to try to figure out the nicest, most absorbing, and most diverting book to read on before going to sleep tonight. (And I am also going to change the sheets on the bed, and maybe take a lukewarmish bath with Epsom salts before bed)

Because I need to distract my mind from a Thing.

In 10 days, I have the consult with the GI doctor. And after that, I have to schedule the colonoscopy.

Part of my dread is the logistics: I have two possible drivers lined up but having to coordinate schedules and also feeling like I'm imposing on someone makes me unhappy. Whoever drives me, it will be almost a full day thing for them: half-hour down there, then the procedure takes a half hour to an hour, and apparently they want to keep you for an hour or two after to be sure you're OK, and then a half-hour drive back....

A bigger part of my dread is just the procedure. I don't know if the doctor I am going to uses mere sedation (I HOPE so) or insists on putting you totally under. But I admit, that's what scares me.

And almost no one gets that. People tell me "Oh, ha ha, yeah, the prep is terrible, but then they give you the 'good drugs'" and I am like "I DON'T WANT THE GOOD DRUGS"

I worry excessively about that kind of thing but not being in control of my body while I'm being poked and prodded at bugs me a lot. It's one reason why I refuse gas for even fairly detailed work at the dentist (I claim it's because I am claustrophobic - don't want anything over my nose - and have asthma, but really, I don't like the idea of not being able to....defend myself?....if something bad happened. Like, what if a fire broke out? Would I be able to get out of the office safely? Yes, I know that's impossibly unlikely, but that kind of thing worries me)

But other worries:

- What if I stop breathing while I'm under and they can't get me started again?
- What if I have a bad reaction to the anesthetic? Or, what if I have a bad (anaphylactic) reaction to the prep drugs? Having had a surprise reaction to a sulfa antibiotic several years ago, and getting a scratchy throat/runny nose the last time I ate peanut butter (several years ago now) makes me worried about new surprise allergies showing up.
- What if something gets...punctured....in the process? I know that's really unlikely but again unlikely things can happen.
- What if they find something bad enough that I get whisked off to surgery/what if something goes wrong and I get whisked off to surgery? (I don't even know if "immediate surgery upon finding something bad" is a thing with this....I know when my dad had the heart catheterization one of the things they warned of was "we might be taking him immediately for open heart surgery" which didn't happen, but apparently can)
- What if they find something REALLY bad and I'm faced with the choice of "horrific invasive surgery and follow-up treatment to maybe buy a few more months, or decide that "fifty years and a bit is a good run"?"

I did tell myself today that maybe I should quick write out something like a holographic will (yes, I know: bad me, I never made an actual one yet, but it's hard to bring myself to do it) and also a list of what I would want....done....if I didn't make it (fundamentally: whatever is the least trouble to everyone else) and put them in an envelope that's clearly labeled as to what it is and leave it somewhere (maybe on the top of my piano lid) where it could be found if it needed to be....

I mean, I hope I will be able to laugh later that day about having been so silly and scared, but....I am silly and scared. (I also need to get that manuscript totally proofread and in....before....because just in case).

And no, I am having no symptoms whatsoever, and I doubt I'm a high-risk person: I did have one aunt (mother's sister) who developed colon cancer at like 82, and they only found it because she was having symptoms (and she was successfully treated and got something like seven more years of life afterward, but)

But also, yeah: it's just a gross idea to contemplate. I am somewhat neo-Victorian in certain sensibilities and that is definitely one of them ("They want to put the camera WHERE?"). And yes, yes, I know: having something go undetected and untreated is worse, but....yeah.

And I know part of this is the fundamentally-healthy person's horror of medical stuff, because of lack of experience. I have literally had general anesthesia twice in my life - at 13, to set a broken nose (Sodium pentothol, and I threw up for three solid days after that), and "twilight sleep" at 21 to have my wisdom teeth removed (that wasn't quite as awful but I still didn't like it)

The whole "the prep is really awful" doesn't even factor to me; I've had food poisoning and bad food-intolerance reactions to stuff, and bad GI infections and I can't imagine the prep being a whole lot worse, especially if I am careful about what I eat in the days before.

I mean, I'm going to DO it (unless the doctor offers me the choice of the less-invasive home test first, which I doubt, but which I will jump at if offered) but I don't like the idea one bit. During the day I can distract myself by working on stuff either AT work, or knitting/quilting.

But last night, I got into bed - later than normal, later than I really should have, and so I decided not to read as I usually do before trying to sleep. And maybe that was a mistake, because I started thinking about the whole thing and it took me forever to get to sleep, even reminding myself I was safe, and I didn't have to think about The Thing for more than a week yet, and tried to think of other things, but it did take me forever to sleep.

I've always been like this, though: excessively good at seeing the consequences of things and imagining all the things that could possibly go wrong. I've not done or experienced some things in my life I might have because I worried too much about consequences. (On the other hand, that's kept me out of a lot of bad trouble...)


Edited to add: I read on the Mayo Clinic website and I'm a bit reassured in that I have exactly 0 of the signs or symptoms that would suggest something is seriously wrong, (TMI but....my habits are pretty "clockwork" as in you could set a watch by them and I haven't noticed any change) and of the risk factors really the only ones I have are "one blood relative" (an aunt, so not in my direct inheritance line, and my parents never even had polyps), the fact that I teeter between "overweight" and "obese" depending on how strictly you hew to BMI and if you cut any slack for muscularity, and the fact that I just hit 50. I am pretty active ("exercise most days of the week," yeah, that fits me), I've never smoked, I don't drink alcohol, I don't have any of the inflammatory conditions that increase risk or diabetes, I try to eat a lot of fruits and veggies and not a lot of highly processed food (not a lot of meat, even, compared to many)

The *most* likely outcome is "everything's fine, come back in 10 years" but still I am a worrier. I will be very glad when this is over.

(yes, I almost said "when this is behind me" but nope, can't make dumb puns about it)