gotta get moving

My eyes are puffy and terrible. I hope they get better though I think my vision is good enough to drive.

I got maybe four hours of sleep last night - an hour or two after going to bed for finally around 11 and tossing and turning, then was awake for a long time around 2:30 am, then slept until about 7.

I had one dream. One of my "driving down the road and all the lights go out" dreams. But this time my mom was in the car with me.

Holy crap, subconscious, you are not subtle.

At least my train is now underway (is leaving San Antonio) and thank God for small mercies: this is one of the days it originates in San Antonio rather than in LA, so there is less chance of it being horrifically delayed to Mineola.

I also realized that because I have a bedroom rather than merely a roomette, I have my own bathroom, and somehow that makes things seem easier. (with the roommettes, there is a communal bathroom, and you always have to be sure to lock the door when you're in there).

If I'm feeling extra distressed I will see if the car attendant will bring my dinner to my room for me and tip him or her extra for that

Another thing: it's horrible that it takes something like this to show it, but I do now know there are people who would drop everything for me if I needed  help. My piano teacher offered to drive me the 2 1/2 hours to Mineola if I needed it (I don't think I will, and I will feel better about having an "open" return date if I know my car is there waiting for me). And Dana (the bell-choir director) came over here and sat with me and listened to me for 2 hours last night, and folded my clothes for my suitcase. And my friend who is the local DA, even, was willing to come over to to get me anything I needed (she also has two teen sons who need her). (And that's my big issue with asking for help: I look around at all my friends and go "but they have people closer to them [like children] who need them more than I do")


I still need to dress and eat something, and get my toiletries and medications in my travelling bag. And the comfort stuffed animals. And I need to go to the bank and get the spoilable food out of the fridge and make sure my plants are on automatic waterers and turn off the electric things that can heat up and run the dishwasher and go over to school and do my last of the four syllabi and get them printed out and sent to the secretary so she can get them copied for my classes if I am not back. Fortunately the most difficult one (the class where I changed the most stuff) is already done.

I don't want to move out of this chair, though.


Edited to add: am packed, even threw in a copy of the "Sockhead Hat" pattern and some self-patterning yarn I bought a long while back for it and the right sized needle and stitch markers in a little bag to add in. That feels like the perfect "I just need to knit but I can't even count right now" project because once you've cast on, you just work ribbing until the ribbing is big enough, and then switch to stockinette.

All the projects I am taking save for a pair of cabled socks are brand-new projects. That was intentional; none of them is a project I am deeply, deeply in love with and, for example, if I finish the hat and I just can't look at it because of the memories of when it was made, I can donate it somewhere or send it to someone who doesn't have those associations with it.


I also suddenly remembered the prayer afghan (you knit it in the Trinity Stitch and pray as you knit) I knitted for my dad back in 2003 when he was undergoing diagnosis and later treatment for what turned out to be very early-stage cancer. And that made me cry again. He kept it and he still used it - he was using it the last time I was up there.

I've decided - if my mom wants it and if it gives her comfort, it is hers. In a way this is a bigger loss for her than for me. But if she doesn't want it I am going to take it back and keep it for the memories, and probably use it.