Ugh. A night of vivid dreams last night. Not sure why:
- I was driving along 70, on my way to the usual field site I've used for research. My eyes would not stay open (allergies) and I kept driving with my eyes closed but my brain was screaming at me I was going to get in a wreck. Or that the cops would pull me over. Also, I was worried about going out to the field alone; I knew my cell phone was almost out of charge (this is an actual fact from real life; I forgot to charge it up over the weekend) and I was afraid if I got hurt or had something wrong with my car I'd not be able to get help.
The "I can't see the road ahead" dream is a very common stress-dream with me. I don't tend to have the stereotypical "nightmare" of being chased by monsters or something; it seems my brain is more a fan of the psychological horror genre, where things seem totally normal except for one thing that is off and wrong.
Also, the "can't see the road ahead" dream is one reason why I don't write stories much: obviously I am very bad at couching symbolism in a non-obvious way. Usually these dreams come when I am concerned about the future in some way. My brain is very literal and sometimes the symbolism it comes up with is baldly obvious.
(I wish I could learn to be less literal-minded. I have taken people seriously when they were joking and that leads to awkwardness, and also, I tend to over-interpret things people say, so, like, for example, someone posting "Oh, I'm dying" as an update somewhere makes me worry that they are LITERALLY dying as in call-an-ambulance-somebody and not "it's so hot I feel like I'm going to die" or "my baseball team's poor performance is figuratively killing me.")
- I was working in a library. The head librarian was a petty and vindictive person, though generally not to the other people's faces. (Though I guess I was pretty much the only other employee? I didn't seem to have other co-workers). Anyway, I posted a story of something that happened in the library online, on some site where I was at least pseudonymized, but somehow she tracked it down and was very rude to me about it, telling me I shouldn't "air the library's dirty laundry" online (it was just one of those "people are funny" stories about something that happened, as far as I can remember). She kept threatening to fire me unless I "made it right" and I kept asking her what she wanted, I would take the story down, I would publicly apologize but she then said if I paid for her lunch every day - to the tune of $25 - it would be okay. (And dream-me accepted that! I'm sure if I worked in a library $25 would be a big chunk of each day's salary).
But anyway.
As it turns out, one big worry is off my mind this morning: someone else in my department has stepped up and offered to serve as chair in the place of our chair who is departing for a higher-level admin job. And the person who is stepping up will do a good job and I can get behind them as chair.
The best part means that I'm not going to be pressured to take it on. I know I don't want it. I want to finish out my career - 10-15 more years depending - without having to take a higher administrative position. I like teaching. I think I am good at teaching. I don't like the kind of higher-level people-wrangling and the constant having to say "no" and deal with grownups who can't quite act like them that you get with those kind of admin positions. (Reference: my dad was a department chair for 20 some years, at two different universities. I have *stories* that he told....)
So that's one thing settled for the future. I dislike things being unsettled. (It is perhaps a linked trait to my literal-mindedness. Or both of those are linked to the particular way in which I am less-neurotypical than many people).
Also, we meet today to discuss the new hire. Not too many details, but I will be content regardless of what choice we make (because all the candidates we are considering seem good to me), as long as the person accepts the position (and so: it's not a "failed search," which is what happens when either (a) no qualified candidate can be found or (b) none of the qualified want the job. (And yes, B happens, even in this weird-bad academic hiring market. We had one person withdraw, apparently, because they had another offer they wanted more, and I've also heard of people "going on the market" with no intention of taking a new job because they want leverage to request a raise. Here, we are on a "salary card" so that's not a thing - which may be a contributing factor to the relative stability of my department)
Edited to add: and another thing I was fretting about: a student who had had some ongoing problems during the semester, whom I last e-mailed at the start of April with the "try this, and if that doesn't work, please come in and talk to me" and who never had, so I assumed they had gotten the problem sorted? They hadn't. In over a month. And I found this out by making the mistake of checking my work e-mail (which I shouldn't do on weekends and generally don't, except that I was wanting to see if my research student had e-mailed me back about a meeting) and it just hit me at a bad time...Sunday afternoon, I was feeling a little lonely and at-loose-ends (I often feel that way on Sundays) and it just made me feel like maybe I care a little bit much but I don't know how to walk that back. And also that I have been, as I've said in recent days, a "self-rescuing princess" for so long that really no one around me recognizes when I need rescuing, and I am not good AT ALL about asking for help. (I was just thinking the other day that I wish I had someone to talk to about stuff, and I realized there are probably people at church who would listen, but....part of it is I feel like I've built up this "tough and can handle everything" persona and I'm not sure I am ready to deconstruct that before someone else's eyes, and another part of it is I go "but they have bigger problems than I do" (Ill spouses, aging and very unwell parents, juggling a couple jobs, problems with young adult kids, very challenging career...) and I don't feel like I can impose on their time with my comparatively petty problems ("Some of my students ask for more than what I can give them and it makes me uncomfortable to say 'no'" seems awfully petty compared to someone who is coping with a mom who has Alzheimer's or a sibling who is a drug addict).
But anyway. I fretted about it on a low level - I even went out and cut a large amount more of brush, cleaning up the fenceline on one side and venturing well into the overgrown patch that used to be a dumping ground for my leaves - because I find that kind of physical work helps to de-track my mind from what is bothering me, while also allowing me to work on the thing on a subconscious level.
My conclusion was: I can't say "yes" to this student and mop up for them, not now. For one thing: It's not fair to the students who were diligent and came in to address problems they had. For another: it's not fair to ME, I have exam week to deal with and also some important meeting things. And finally: this student maybe needs the little bit of tough-love of "you need to confront your problems when they are small rather than expecting someone else to snap their fingers and solve it all at the last minute."
So I consulted with my chair (outgoing as of June 1, but at least there is someone I trust taking over for her after that) and she agreed it wasn't fair to the other students and to emphasize that in my e-mail. So I did, and hopefully that's off my plate. (Though those things have a way of boomeranging. Though I will say if the student goes to my chair to complain, my chair knows what's up and will tell the student that it's too bad they didn't work with me earlier, but it is too late now.)
Anyway, here's hoping other people who have low-level worrisome things hanging over their heads see good outcomes as well. I feel considerably more hopeful for this week now.
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