a little wounded

So, elsewhere, I expressed my dislike of April Fool's Day and someone basically told me I was a wet blanket who was somehow angered by other people having fun.

And I'm surprisingly hurt by that. This is someone I've tangled with a bit in the past but the problem is my nature and emotional make up is such that I can't just write off someone else's opinion. Maybe I am a wet blanket. I don't know.

I do know that I seem to have a great deal of experience of people having fun AT MY EXPENSE where I am made to look foolish or something, and I don't like that. And I think I should be ALLOWED not to like that. Why should I be the person who is the designated patsy/butt of jokes? 

And I don't know what to do. I'm actually hurt enough that I'm considering leaving the group, even though it's one I've had positive interactions with others in in the past, and that I've been a part of for a long time. But I just....I can't. I'm sitting at my desk crying right now. And it makes me mad that I could let someone do that to me.

I have a headache, too. And I have bell choir tonight so I have to get rid of the headache and cheer up to be ready to go.

But I also received a piece of - I guess, unsettling, is the best word - news today. No, I'm not at liberty to share. It doesn't directly affect me but it may affect me indirectly. And so, in dealing with that, and also the extra work of the search committee and all and....

I dunno. this is one of those times when I need other people to do the "Be kind, for you never know what hard battle someone is fighting" that I often say to myself. But one thing I see in this life is that reciprocity is often hard to come by - that you do for others, and then when you need them to do for you, they're as absent as the Little Red Hen's animal friends when she needed to mill the grain or knead the bread.

So I dunno. Maybe I leave that group. Maybe I just fall silent for a while. I did notify someone who knows me a little better "hey, if I'm not around for a while, here's what's up"

But right now, both my inner seven year old and my inner 12 year old are weeping - the seven year old, because someone was Mean to her (I was a very sensitive child and I guess I am still a sensitive adult) and the 12 year old because once again, the Popular Girls are telling her "Ew, you're not allowed to sit here. Go sit over there" as they indicate a dim corner of the lunchroom where no one else is.

And of course, because I have never been good at being Extra or sticking around where I feel unwanted, I am not brave enough to plop down on an empty seat at the table and go "Yeah? You're not the boss of me; try to make me leave and a teacher will come over." So instead I just go off and sit in my dim corner and OF COURSE that means that treatment of me continues, because I just accept it.

And no, I'm not gonna respond. I kind of itch to but I know it will serve no good purpose and I guess this person is entitled to their opinion - even though it might feel to me like a personal attack - as I am to mine. 

Dammit. I opened the Doki Doki crate yesterday afternoon in a fit of loneliness but I thought "No, you really should save it because you might need it more later" and I was RIGHT. And no, I'm not breaking my Lenten vow over my hurt feelings and ordering myself a book or a stuffed toy or something. I'm just gonna sit here with my hurt feelings because that's what adults do - we just swallow all our disappointment at life and we don't get consolation prizes.


I would love for even just a few days to be able to experience a timeline where i had been popular and well-liked as a kid, just to see if I'd be a less-neurotic adult. Less needy, less easily-hurt.

Less needing of affirmation. Part of the reason I am vomiting out this whole thing is that I need to hear, like Charlie Brown said he laid in bed at night longing to hear "But we LIKE you!" I mean, I know intellectually that my friends like me. But sometimes, when I feel like this, the emotional side of me has a hard time believing it.

(And yes, I know, Lucy's response to that is to laugh loud and long at his neediness, and some days I wonder if that isn't the appropriate response, and I wish I were tougher and stronger and better-able to just tell the rest of humanity that I really don't need them, and they can go hang a salami....but I can't)

Man. If things were different. If I didn't have crappy fragile teeth and a need to limit salt I'd just get a big greasy pizza for dinner, and probably eat most of it. And if I didn't have Bell Choir maybe I'd just go straight to bed after dinner. And if I weren't doing this Lent thing I'd be ordering a ton of crap online to try to soothe my feelings.

TL:DR: I know I'm being unreasonable and just need to accept that sometimes people behave unkindly towards other people, but emotionally I am not dealing well with it.


Edited to add, about 7:30 pm - now I have a headache and feel dehydrated, probably from the crying. Ugh. I hope this is just me overreacting to stuff and there's not a hormonal cause for it; I am ready to be done with menopause. And I also just feel very tired but that's not uncommon after I've cried a lot.