random sad thought

So, the news station (semi-local) I put on in the mornings to try to find out what the weather is going to be was running a story about a young woman diagnosed with, I think it was, metastatic breast cancer, and the things she was doing to 'celebrate life' (as much as she had left) and one comment was to treat every day as a blessing.

And I admit, it struck me more than it might have at a younger age - considering that this summer I go in for the screening colonoscopy everyone is "supposed" to do at 50, and thinking to myself "but what if they FIND something" because of course everyone is serving me up stories of their second cousin's friend who was PERFECTLY healthy on the outside, but it turned out they wound up having to have a big chunk of their large intestine removed, or their mailman's mom who suffered for four years on chemo before dying and WHY don't people share the "oh yeah, my husband had one. They didn't find anything" or "When my sister went in, they took a couple of polyps, but they turned out to be benign" stories?

So anyway. And I found myself thinking "wow, treat every day as a blessing" because I admit it, some days I do not: when I'm staring down three long classes and I have to fit in time to do something like evaluate job applicants and I've got a student who missed a lot of work and is failing but expects me to make them up a month's stuff IN A DAY....well, the only good think I can think about that day is "eventually it will be over, and you can go home and go to bed." And I know that's a terrible attitude to have....especially in the face of the fact that we're all mortal, and perhaps some of us, by virtue of age or other things are more mortal than others...

and I also got to thinking: what would you do differently if you were told "you have this thing and, we're sorry to tell you but, no, you can't count on living into your 90s now"

One big thing? I'd quit a lot of the joyless committeework I do. The stuff I do because "someone has to do it" or "you need this for your productivity record" but that does NOT make me happy. On campus, that would mean saying "no" to more things without nervously thinking about my next post-tenure review (because if you're gonna be dead maybe in 3 years, what point is there to worrying about "continued employment"). And I'd give up on research, and figure "well, your legacy are the bigger papers you wrote a while back, no sense in trying to worry about getting research out now." I'd keep up with piano lessons and Bell Choir as long as I could because those things actually add joy to my life. But the "going in for half-a-day on Saturday to work on stuff at work" would end, and I'd probably be less hesitant about going off to do fun things on Saturdays. And at church: I'd immediately ask to be replaced as Head Elder, which would also trigger me being able to go off the pastor relations committee.

And yeah, that's the crux of it immediately: we have a meeting today. And not only after church, after church and a lunch where I'll probably be helping some of the set-up and clean-up. And I confess I just don't like being on this committee even though I recognize it's important: I am someone who (a) hates conflict, (b) hates it when people complain/say "someone needs to do something" without any potential thinking of 'hey I'm someone' (c) I want to think the best of everyone.

And being on a committee that is basically designed to deal with grievances is something that features all those things. (And more; sometimes stuff that happened 10 years ago, was discussed to death back then with no real good solution, gets brought up AGAIN)

So yes, very much dread. (And this is the meeting where I had asked, in Board meeting: "If you have something that you want brought up SUBMIT IT IN WRITING, it can be anonymous if you want" because I don't like being tasked with remembering the exact nuance of what someone said to me a month ago, and maybe getting it wrong in my paraphrasing of it. And yet....no one has handed me anything, though maybe I'm not the one they would do that to; maybe some of the other members have been given stuff).

And no, there is no way I can graciously bow out of this committee unless someone else took over being Head Elder, and the couple of people who could do that are already too busy with other things. But yes: if I could change my life in one way it would be to be on fewer groups or committees where I have to do things that do the reverse of sparking joy for me.

I'm not wearing a dress with pockets which was maybe an oversight or I'd take my little Fluttershy blind-bag figure that I use as a good luck charm with me. (Maybe I attach her to my keychain...I have a potholder-loom loop tied around her middle so she's easy to grab).

And my April Doki Doki crate came last week, and I saved it. I was saving it until after April had started but I've decided that if this afternoon's meeting surpasses some level of stressfulness for me, I will open it even though it's technically not April yet.

(Heh. Am thinking now about the bit from "Parks and Recreation" where April scheduled all of Ron's meetings for March 31 because she thought that day didn't exist.)