And that's over

NO ONE submitted issues for us to deal with.

So it was pretty much a "nothing" meeting....nothing we had to do.

Honestly, I don't know. I've heard a few vague complaints but I figured that in the absence of the person either telling me "You are on the committee, so here" or having it written out and submitted, that it was not on me to bring them up, that it wasn't my responsibility and might even be violating their privacy.

(LOOK, I **CAN** LEARN TO NOT TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THINGS NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY)

But yeah. I can only assume:

1. The "complaints" were things people decided were too minor to merit bringing up

2. They knew that most of the congregation would likely disagree with them, so...

3. They like to complain but don't want resolution. There are people like that; I have known them. And when you do offer some kind of resolution, they look at you like lobsters are coming out of your ears. So whatever. (And yes, I know I complain a lot some times; for me it's largely venting. But some of the complaining I hear at church are things that...well, they could be resolved. Whereas in a lot of cases the thing that gets under my skin are things that are "structural" about work and can't really be solved)

But anyway. It's done. We actually laughed about something in the meeting, which is often the mark of a less-tense meeting.

So anyway. I need to do 40 more minutes of piano practice, and I probably need to go and purchase a couple of things (vitamins, especially, but maybe another thing of Tylenol) at the chain-pharmacy and I admit I'm half-tempted to "lawyerball" my Lenten fast* from frivolous things, and if they have some kind of nice little blind-bag thing on the toy aisle, buy it for myself as a "fluster."

(*Supposedly, Sundays are not technically part of Lent. And I also remember a few years ago when St. Patrick's Day fell on a Friday, a number of Catholic parishes said they granted "dispensations" so people could do the traditional lamb or corned-beef feast, instead of having to eat fish or vegetarian)

(Yes, I could open the Doki Doki crate instead but I suspect I may need that more later this week).

But yeah. And oh hey look, the stomach issues I was having earlier today have resolved! I guess stress really does affect me more than I realize. (I had bad stomach problems, just barely remembered, as a small child. All I remember is that the doctor prescribed for me some kind of truly foul-tasting - I think it was lime-flavored? - liquid medication that was supposed to help things, but the medication was so gross that I often hid my distress. My brother had similar problems at a slightly older age than I had them, he even had to go through a GI series, the conclusion was nothing was wrong, maybe he needed to eat more fiber, or that something at school was bothering him.) 

But yeah. Being a person is hard. Dealing with other people is hard. I don't know if it's because I sometimes give a harder darn about what other people think than some people do, or I am more discombobulated by dissent than normal people, but I just find working in groups where you have to come to some kind of resolution of problems hard and painful. People who have heard me pray - or who sat through one of the times I filled the pulpit - have told me "Oh, you should go to seminary when you retire from teaching and become a minister" and I am totally like "ha ha ha, no" because while at one time in my life I thought that would be a fine career, I have since learned that while I can do the "God part" of it (teaching, preaching, praying, study) just fine and I enjoy that (and might even be good at it), the "people part" of it (which is equally important if you're an actual pastor of an actual congregation) is NOT something I can do happily or graciously, because people tend to be SO cross-grained and I sometimes tie myself in knots trying to please anyone, and I hate feeling like anyone is "angry" with me because I'm not doing what they want...

Anyway. Debating whether to (after I do my necessary things - the piano practice and the pharmacy run) knit on the current socks or maybe start the Ocellus stuffie, which I really probably SHOULD start, as once Pony ends forever (sob), I may be less motivated to.

But yes. I think the rest of this afternoon I just need to relax. I hadn't realized how stressed out I had made myself over this meeting.

(Another thought as to why this whole thing bothers me so much; it may be the fact that I have often got thrust into the "peacemaker" role, or, worse, the "which one of us is Better" role between two people. I had a very bad experience as a kid - I know, I know, but I do think childhood influences us in a lot of ways we don't see - where two of my good friends - in fact, my two BEST friends - disliked each other incredibly much for some reason, and they both wanted me to decide between them as to whose friend I was, with the implication being the other would drop having me as a friend....and I refused to decide, telling them I was both of their friend, and then they both decided to shun me for a week.

Also, years and years ago - almost 5 now - when I was on this committee we had a horrible, contentious meeting, that ended with two members (both of whom have since left the congregation) screaming at each other to the point where I broke down in tears in the meeting room because I honestly thought, "that's it, we're gonna split again, and we won't be big enough to persist, and I'll have to find a new church*)

(*Though I will say, now that I've been to one service there - if I had to find a new congregation? I think the local Presbyterian one would suit well. Added bonus is that their sanctuary is really beautiful)

But yeah. What I said about "being a human is hard." And I admit I've had my times where I felt jealous when a friend of mine had a brand-new friend (or a brand-new Boyfriend, even more) and that person seemed to be monopolizing all her time, and I thought, "okay, great, so they don't want their dusty old friend because they have a shiny new one" but I don't remember ever really acting on that other than to withdraw a little bit...


Added: and as is often the aftermath of cases like this, I now feel sadly at loose ends. Hard to buckle down and practice. Or knit. Or anything like that. What I really would like? An in-town friend to go and do something with, to help me have a "positive person experience" after what I was anticipating would be a negative one. To go for a hike, or to a movie, or something like that. And no, going alone doesn't appeal - it's no fun going to the movies alone (in my experience at least) and it seems just as easy to stay home and sit on the couch and watch one on the tv. And hiking alone borders on dangerous; I saw a news story about some guy's remains having been found in an Arkansas state park and while there's probably more to the story than "he went out hiking alone and got lost," still, I worry about that in re: going out hiking alone. (I do fieldwork alone, but I tell people in my department where I will be and give them an estimated time to expect me back or to expect me to check in, and I have my cell phone turned on the whole time)

Most of my online friends seem to be off doing other things - sleeping or out with friends or doing stuff around their houses or whatever, and so the sort of back-and-forth that happens some evenings on Twitter or Ravelry isn't happening.

I dunno. I wish I had more-available local friends. I love my online friends but the nearest one lives over 100 miles away and so getting together is a rare thing.  One of the things I miss most about grad school was that there was nearly always someone hanging around the building, and if you said, "Hey, do you want to run to Babbitt's (the used-book store near campus) and see if they got anything new in?" or "You wanna go grab a soda or a coffee at the student union?" they would 100% be up for it, and even more complicated stuff like, "Hey, you wanna go hiking next weekend?"

It's harder when you're a full-fledged adult, and you have full-time work and also most people have families....I really suspect part of it is the people I am locally friends with have families, and so, my assumption is "they'd rather do something with their family" or "unless they specifically ask me, it's weird for me to expect them to want to hang out with them in the absence of their family" and I wind up being alone a lot when I'd really like to be with another person.

(And yeah, I've heard of the idea of something like a dating app, but for finding local friends, be floated, but somehow I think I'd find that as unappealing as trying to find a date using online apps; I think it's because fundamentally I think of myself as a "weird person" who doesn't look so good "on paper," and that I probably wouldn't catch anyone's attention as friend-material if they didn't know me first)

But really, it's just having someone to TALK to once in a while. Confession: I sometimes talk to myself when I'm alone. I know, I've been told that's not healthy, but what are you going to do? I sometimes even "invent" another personality to talk to - imagine "what would it be like if another person who kind of knew me was here" and I've even done stuff like imagining myself explaining to them some of the aspects of my little town when I'm out driving in my car, or talk about the recipe that I'm fixing or whatever. Sometimes I pretend I'm being interviewed, like by a sympathetic entertainment-reporter (like if I were a famous writer or a well-loved singer or something like that).

I dunno. When you spend a lot of time not-getting-attention I guess you make up ways to sort of feel like you are...

Part of me is going, "Maybe you should just get done the things you need to go and then just go to bed" because I'm kind of tired, but....I don't know. Yes, this "loose ends" feeling (or being "bored") often does mean I'm either tired or beginning to get sick...