Cranky and hurting

I've been dealing with coughing (asthma/dry air/allergies), intercostal cramping (probably from the coughing), and generally being tired (up a lot last night coughing).

I came home at lunchtime - no lab this afternoon, assessment testing - with plans to clean house extensively and I need to get off my butt and do the rest of that (AAUW is tonight, also, and I have to make sandwiches for that and take them to the person's house who is hosting).

But I'm kind of low-level cranky. I'm tired, I haven't knitted in a couple days (too busy), I'm irritated at the general tone of the world these days where the idea of forgiveness (Which I think of as, but isn't exclusively, a religious/faith concept) seems to be being kicked to the curb in favor of You Must Be Perfect To Our Standards The Very First Time Even If You Don't Quite Know The Rules and this kind of thing frustrates me, because, as I've said before, one of the ways in which I'm not entirely neurotypical is that I am NOT GOOD with unwritten/unspoken rules.

Also, being a perfectionist, I don't need a cadre of people telling me how I have Failed, I am too good at seeing how I am not perfect and I don't need to be reminded of it. (And again, the whole forgiveness thing....is there no room for it any more?)

And I don't know. Maybe we've hit the tipping point as a species. Maybe this is where we realize we're basically big opossums, and are not meant to be in social groups except during mating time...because it seems like every social group is suffering internal strife right now and I am (bleeping) tired of it because I don't DEAL well with strife.

I'm also sad because a couple of my friendly "mutuals" have gone dark on social media for Lent. I understand why, I understand the whole reason and I admit there is something admirable to me about it. But I also admit I'm lonely. I didn't realize how much of my simple social interaction was that - but it is.

I miss those people. I miss being able to pop in to Twitter or something and get a little friendly conversation. Instead, it seems like some of the Twitter Pontificators have doubled-down, and while I've done some muting....yeah, still, there is too high of a ratio of being talked-at to being talked-with.

But anyway. I'm hurting physically and that makes the emotional stuff harder to take. And I have stuff hanging over my head I *must* do.

I did call the brokerage firm I use and set up a new online access account (I used to have one on my old address, but....hadn't accessed it in years, and then my old .netcommander address went away). I had hoped to get some delayed tax documents but they're not up online yet either.

And I called the GI doctor. I have a consult appointment in early June, with the colonoscopy to be scheduled within six weeks. Woeful. I don't even *know* who I can ask to drive me: It will be on a workday, everyone I know from church either works or is helping an ill spouse. I don't want to ask a colleague at work. I don't think they allow you to have an Uber ride, if Uber even existed here. What do people do who don't have anyone? I guess I'll find out. Maybe I can hire a home-health nurse for a day? That seems pathetic but that's my life, I guess.

It's a rather *personal* thing and so I'm not comfortable with just ANYONE doing it, that's part of it.

(I wish I could just check myself into the hospital for the day before - do the prep there - and then stay overnight after the procedure, and drive home. But I know there's no way my insurance would pay).

I'm trying to clean my house because it's a pit and also I NEED to have it done at least by the 28th because piano lessons start again then, but....it's not going well. I lack motivation and it feels overwhelming because it's so bad. I'm telling myself to do what I can do today, to quit around 4:30 and make the silly sandwiches and cut up the fruit for AAUW, and do the rest yesterday evening after school stuff, but....

And next week will be bad: meetings Monday and Wednesday and I'm fully expecting a *surprise!* PPR meeting maybe Sunday.

And yes, I am doing the "buy no unnecessary things for Lent" and I admit it is already hitting me hard because....no treats to soothe me, and no tangible rewards for buckling down and doing the cleaning. (I guess for the next 40 days my "treat" will be finally being able to crawl into bed at the end of the day....maybe I SHOULD have gone off of Twitter for Lent instead)


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Edited to add:

 I got the kitchen counters cleaned and the floor wet mopped, and cleaned up the dining room enough to get the floor swept. And I put away a bunch of clean clothes and some sweaters I had pulled out and worn. (I need to wash several of them before the end of the season....maybe that's a weekend thing. I spilled yogurt on a couple of them). I probably can do more housecleaning this weekend; probably the way to do it is to do an hour or two at a time until it's done. (Yeah. My house got BAD)

(I should have waited until AFTER I made the sandwiches to clean the kitchen floor, though)

The sandwiches were a hit, though, which surprised me: it was just "Oatnut" bread (an Oroweat product - I think Oroweat goes by another name east of the Mississippi?) with commercial pimiento cheese slapped onto it (and not even all that gracefully, I was in a hurry) and cut into diagonal quarters. I also made some with turkey and mustard....there are a few of those left but I'm not gonna keep 'em, they sat out at room temperature for more than 2 hours now (we ate first then had the meeting) and I don't fancy risking food poisoning (and I don't like mustard all that well).

I had planned on making pimiento cheese from scratch, like a Proper Southern Lady. (The woman at church who always makes pimiento cheese for receptions *always* makes it from scratch). But my energy was at a low ebb this week - I had a near-asthma attack on Wednesday and I've been tired and achy since then - and I just couldn't.

But the fact that they ate, and raved over the sandwiches (I didn't even cut the crusts off! Some people do, but I didn't, because it's a waste of crusts, and I figured these are all grown-up women who should be eating crusts without complaint*.) So I'm thinking, maybe this is evidence that I set the bar too high for myself, that I tell myself I "should" do things a more complex or involved way than what I really need to do and.....now I wonder at that.

(*If I had a kid, chances are I'd expect them to eat the crusts, too.)

Because: done beats perfect. And also sometimes you DON'T need to go the extra mile.  But I do do this to myself, and now I wonder why - is this people-pleasing tendencies? Is it that I "learned" as a kid that doing stuff the hard and elaborate way was a way to get people to notice me? Or that they'd like me more if I did? I don't know.

But yeah: something like, telling myself I "should" make pimiento cheese from scratch when you can buy perfectly cromulent pimiento cheese (I got Price's brand, which is pretty good) at the store - that's very, very on-brand for me. It's something I do without noticing myself doing it.

And it's why I get aggravated at things like That Certain Person who claims to be "working smarter, not harder" while they actually are just doing less than what I* think they should be doing

(*However, I am not the only one who thinks that, as it turns out).

But yes, I am totally aware my resentment in those kinds of cases it that.....I do stuff the hard way, and then I feel like a chump for it, but the next opportunity that comes around, I'm all YES I WILL DO IT THE HARD WAY BECAUSE THE HARD WAY IS THE **AUTHENTIC** WAY again.

And, I don't know. Sometimes doing things the more-labor-intensive way is fun and worthwhile (I would rather bake a hot milk sponge cake from scratch - it's really not that hard - than make a mix cake). But other times, the more-labor-intensive way is.....well, just more labor-intensive. And I'm not always good at knowing when something is the first kind of thing - where doing it the harder way is rewarding - or when it's the second way - when doing it the harder way fits the law of diminishing returns (not that much better, but lots more work). Maybe it's just something that comes with experience? Or maybe most people just half-ass (sorry) things most of the time, and are happy enough about it, and I have to just teach myself not to whole-ass (sorry) so many things so much of the time because I make myself miserable about it....And yes, I get that it's totally tied up with me being a perfectionist.