And that's over

Not going to go into too much detail and air any dirty laundry, but, some general things:


* Once again I find that the "Love your neighbor as yourself" commandment is far, far harder for me than the "Love God" commandment. People are incredibly cross-grained and difficult and it upsets me.

* Ninety percent of the problems in churches - and probably any other group - come down to bad communication. Either miscommunication, or people not saying what they really mean, or people not communicating. Some problems came out tonight that the Pastor Relations Committee (which I am on and dearly wish I wasn't) are supposed to deal with, but here's the thing: we didn't know about the problems before tonight. And we met on Sunday! But no one told us and instead just did this mealy-mouthed stuff about "we don't sing enough familiar hymns" and superficial stuff rather than bringing up the difficult stuff they are really upset about.

* And yeah. maybe I was too forward and too outspoken about "You aren't telling us the problems you have, you are couching in in way too vague language" but you know? I'm tired. And I'm bad at nuance. And people need to work with me.

* Some of this may be misplaced money worries on some people's part. I don't mean worrying about money is misplaced, but I mean their worries about money are manifesting as other things. Sometimes people do that. I do that. When I'm worrying about something that maybe doesn't seem solvable, I get really picky and upset about things that might seem solvable. So I don't know.

* So yeah, we have another meeting coming up. I am distinctly not-enthused about this meeting. I did stand up in the board meeting and state that the issues should be submitted IN WRITING and could even be anonymous if the person wanted. Because IN WRITING means we're not trying to remember and interpret what someone said, and maybe get it wrong.

* I will say the vice-moderator (who led the meeting in the moderator's absence) did a good job of being diplomatic and pouring oil on troubled water and I think he may have been the best person - ironically - to run this meeting.


I dunno. I want to cry but I also kind of want to punch something but I'm also tired but I'm also too keyed up to sleep and this kind of sucks.

I didn't cry, though. I think I can at least be minimally proud of that.

But sometime I really would like to be in a situation where my wants and feelings were 100% catered to but I know that will never happen.....except in those times when I am alone. (Maybe that's why I do so much stuff alone: not because I'm a "loser" without friends, but because I'm selfish enough that I need some times when I get to do 100% what I want, and with other people I always have to compromise. Maybe I'm a terrible person, I don't know)

But yeah. Right now everything feels kind of broken and terrible and I would really very much like to go and be a hermit and only interact with people on my own terms (which would be: mainly through the internet, so I could turn it off if I got upset or block people that were rude to me)

And happy effing Single's Awareness Day tomorrow; I really don't need all the stupid goopy Valentine's Day stuff on top of all this.

And fudge, when I said "At 3 pm Thursday I will be all done with this" obviously jinxed me; now I have another woeful meeting NEXT week. I try hard to be a good person; I do not get why I am being punished in this way. Whatever it is, I'm sorry for it.