Thursday, November 15, 2018

Thoughts on gifts.

No, not the material stuff you give and get. But "gifts" in the sense of "talents."

This is something that's been on my mind for almost a week now, after CWF meeting. The lesson was on a version of the "Parable of the Talents" - for those unfamiliar, essentially a rich man gives three of his servants sums of money - a large, medium, and small one - and went away for a time and asked them, in his absence, to invest it.

The first two essentially doubled the money. The third, being fearful of what might happen if the money were lost, just stored it away. The rich man, on his return, was happy with the first two servants but angry with the third.

And yeah, yeah, I get that it's a parable and is allegorical, but I admit - as a risk-averse person, and as someone who regards the getting of money as not being the ultimate good (it's what you DO with it, ultimately) the parable on its surface always bugged me a bit.

Of course, what it's really about is what you do with your "gifts," in the sense of "things you can do."

And discussion worked around to "gifts you're not currently using" and someone brought up that they didn't play piano any more like they used to, and I noted that I didn't knit as much (when someone mentioned that was one of my gifts) but I also got to thinking: is it still a "good gift" if you don't (mostly) use it for others? I mean, yes, I have gifts I use for others - I suppose you could say my teaching ability is one, and I can do a lot of different things around church. But is knitting really a "gift" if I am mostly using it "selfishly"?

And yeah, that's how much I've felt pushed these past couple years, between stuff at work ("gotta make myself seem indispensable") and also the whole sense, as a grow older, that I can kinda hear the Eternal Footman holding my coat and snickering, and that pressure to "leave behind something meaningful" (and since I didn't have a kid, the most obvious way of doing that for most people, well, that pressure is more-felt).

But today, I realized something while proctoring the exam today (and knitting on the mitts): Maybe using gifts we have in a way that makes US happy, even if we're not explicitly doing it for another person, well, maybe that makes us a better person and so makes us "serve" better in whatever capacity we are serving in. And happier people are better able to bear graciously the slings and arrows of life, and are probably better at interacting with others...

I was also thinking, as I knitted, "I need to start spending more time again in the Pointless and Arbitrary Group at Ravelry" - I used to hang out there a lot, and it was fun, but I drifted away at some point for more "serious" groups.

And you know? Another one of my gifts some times is making other people laugh - and doing it without being mean or putting others down. And I like making people laugh; I haven't done it enough lately.

And yes. This has been a difficult year in a lot of ways. I've kind of lost my way in worries and work; I've not done enough of the things that brought me joy. I've felt at times like the only "gifts" I had that were any good for anything were the ones where I was 100% using them to serve other people - in some cases, things I'm good at but do not particularly enjoy, but do out of a sense of duty.

I was thinking the other day - in sort of a personal Slough of Despond - that I didn't really have any dreams left to dream; the things I might dream of (being able to get more research done and published, for example), seemed so small and also it took a great deal of work on my part to get there (and success is not 100% dependent on me; you can write a good manuscript but get it rejected for a myriad of reasons). But I don't know. Maybe I look more at things like "Maybe someday I'll have the guts to try designing a sweater or even a shawl more complex than a big rectangle, and feel like I'll have time to test-knit it and maybe have it fail the first time, but go back to it and re-do it" or "maybe someday I will buy that longarm quilter, and learn to use it, and get good, and make lots of quilts and also maybe quilt some tops for raffles for good causes or for charities...."

(And yeah, funny that my new dreams involve things not related to my career....but I suspect a person hits a point in their career where things do get a bit stale and you would like to have something else to do and think about. I don't know.)

Another thing I would like, but am not sure how to go about it, would be to sign myself on as a "helper" for someone doing research a little different from my own - just be the hauler-of-field-equipment, or the one who takes down the data, or learn the techniques alongside the person. Not have to be the one in charge of the project. (I would also enjoy doing data entry and analysis on this project given the chance). Have a chance to just WORK without always being the one in charge all the time. That's what I don't like - the insecurity of being in charge and when my "helpers" look at me for what to do because something failed, feeling like I'm lost because I don't have a good answer. It would be nice for a change to be the helper who can look to the big-boss and go "Yeah, this equipment is acting up, is there anything we can do?" but not have to solve it.

I guess it's not that I'm TIRED of my gifts, but I'd like a chance to use them a little differently. And maybe not carry such a load of responsibility for a while.

And also, to be able to knit more. Or crochet more. Or make more quilts, whatever. I don't have enough of that kind of tangible work in my life, where I can see the progress being made and actually touch what I am doing....

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