Friday, September 21, 2018

"To the good old days"

Not gonna like, I like this version a lot better than the Twenty-One Pilots' version (I have friends who are fans of them, so, yeah, sorry, but...the more jazzy style is more me).

But yes. This has been a stressful week. Heck, it's been a stressful MONTH - just a bit over 30 days ago now was when I first got the call from my mom about my dad being in hospital and things looked really bad that Thursday night into Friday, and I remember having a small freak out in the first faculty meeting of the semester because I was worried and someone was telling me something I thought was another office's over-reach really wasn't, and fundamentally I heard "just suck it up and spend more of your time doing this task that isn't that meaningful to you anyway).

He's doing better; the insurance approved a few more days at the rehab place and (surprisingly, 'cos I know he's sick of it) he took them - I guess he really does want to get as strong and mobile as he possibly can before going home. (Good for him. And good for my mom, too). I really hope this is the "scared straight" thing that gets him to (a) keep up with his exercises at home (he loses mobility fast when he does not) and (b) use his spirometer so he can see if his asthma is getting ahead of him.

And also friends having problems this week, that was concerning. And it just so often now feels like the whole world is burning down and the lessons my parents taught me about being kind and being fair and treating other people the way I would want to be treated don't apply any more, and I'm not sure I know how to negotiate the newer, more cut-throat type of world without winding up prey.

I had to laugh today after being referred to as "unflappable" because wow, that person does not know me at all, and does not realize that much of the time I'm holding it together through a supreme force of will, and perhaps the reason I lack willpower for dieting is that it all goes into me keeping myself calm.

I will say exercise seems to help; I was pretty calm and focussed in classes this morning, but that wore off around noon. I think all the people get to me, and the fact that I have a couple people who just seem monumentally unconcerned about the class and are only doing the barest of bare minimums, and act like it's all a big joke. And I know, not my circus, not my monkeys, I can't control how others act, but as someone who's always given a hard damn about everything, it bothers me to make an effort when there are people who don't (Like: grading their stuff, as much of it as they do). But the "it's a big joke" attitude REALLY gets to me because I dislike being disrespected, I dislike being taken not-seriously when I'm serious, and it's also possible this is just my PERCEPTION so maybe I'm just over interpreting and so I can't SAY anything to them about it. But it's giving me bad flashbacks to that bad Soils class I had one semester where people were outright rude to me - to the point where a couple of the Conservation majors took the guys in question aside (without my knowledge, I only found out a semester later) and told them "Knock it off. She works hard, she's a good teacher, you're being a jerk." Sadly, it didn't help much. And the damage was done....

And yeah, I just kinda hit a wall at the end of class. But I'm home now, with lunch, and a bit of a break (I have to go back around 2; meeting with my research student.).

My plans for this evening are simple: it's a wet cooler day, so I'm going to wash up a set of sheets, change the bed, clean my bedroom a little, do some knitting, go to bed early. Tomorrow if it's not bucketing down rain I'm going to JoAnn's and the bookstore and maybe the yarn shop but also the natural-foods store and the Kroger, and maybe Sunday I do from-scratch baked beans.

More and more, I find I need the weekends to recuperate from the week. This week was harder in part because I didn't really get that last weekend.


Change of plans: my student just called. (This is an interview for dental school for either the spring or next fall, I don't know which) and they asked her for a sample resume and "evidence of her hand skills" so she's got extra things to do PLUS there is flash flooding and she wanted to leave earlier so as not to drive in the dark (and I don't blame her, not at all) so I told her we would reschedule the meeting and....I have nothing I have to do now, no need to go back to campus. There is one tiny thing I could do but it is not *crucial* and also I could do it on Monday, so....(Or I could go back for a bit and get even MORE ahead for next week, which is tempting, given it's not raining right now)

But at any rate: gonna throw the sheets in the wash so I can change my bed, and then figure it out.

But yeah, I feel happier and calmer again so I do wonder if either it's some weird allergen at my building or just those couple of problem people in my class (and really, I need to remind myself: You are teaching for the woman who said she wants a teaching career like you have, and the guy who is REALLY into herps, and the people who said 'this class has more interesting labs than my other lab class' and not for those twerps who figure they can skate through on, I don't know what, youth or something Or maybe they think they're good-looking? I don't know. I don't particularly notice that in young guys 'cos in students my brain clamps down and goes THEY ARE BABIES and anyway I am more attracted to guys who are a little more "weathered" and craggy-looking, and these guys really ARE babies so I couldn't tell you if they're handsome or not, they really aren't to me)

But yeah. Maybe I practice for a bit and then run over and put every last thing I could up on BlackBoard for the coming week, and then come home and feel free to knit and take a nice soaky bath in good conscience.

1 comment:

Roger Owen Green said...

I should comment more often. Anyway, I admire your creativity and steadiness and standards.