I am hoping the lack of any phone contact means that things are going well or at least aren't going badly. My mom did say she'd call this afternoon or evening. I just checked my voice mail at home (I came back after lunch and uploaded all the first week's stuff onto Blackboard, just in case) and there was no message.
I kind of lost my stuff in faculty meeting when we were discussing the tech-center overreach (or what I perceive to be an overreach) and other people were arguing that it really wasn't, and that the extra work laid on us was kind of the price of teaching these days.
(And then someone told me a simpler way to delete all the crud I wanted to delete but WHY WAS THAT NOT OBVIOUS ON THE PAGE because I didn't know and I went to maybe 2 hours of extra work over that)
In the end we did come to a consensus that we need to have the tech-center people over and instill in them that face to face classes are very different from online classes, and that we need an option to explicitly tell them when the course is being set up which it is and have it do things differently. But yeah, for a few minutes I had to get up and walk out of the room because the other option was to melt down in tears.
I think people were mostly sympathetic but I hate any kind of show of strong emotion at work; it indicates a lack of control.
And yeah.. I feel like a lot of things have spun out of control this past not-quite-24 hours. Well, actually, this entire week, starting with the whole debacle about the CMS. And my ongoing worries about the future of higher ed - I admit I flip-flop, and I think "Well, if we do wind up being pressed into a "teach online or lose your job" mode, maybe I just grit my teeth and do it, and mark off every day I get closer to retirement, and just retire the very MINUTE I am able to" (I have no idea whether we forfeit our pension if we leave before we hit the "rule of 90," I should check on that to be sure. I don't THINK we do but I've been operating as if we do). Or then I flip back and go "If they keep disrespecting how we teach, keep telling us they know better than us, forcing us into a one-size-fits-all Wal-mart style education, I will tell them to take this job and shove it, and...." and of course that's where I stop because I don't know what I'd do as an alternate. I don't want to have to move, because I own my house outright and I don't want to go somewhere where I'd go from a homeowner to someone living in an apartment or having to have several housemates. (I am too old to deal with housemates)
And then someone posted a link to an article about glyphosate residue in oatmeal, and while many of the organic brands have negligible levels....can I buy them HERE? Of COURSE not. I think the natural-foods place in Sherman has Bob's Red Mill, but it's about 4 times the cost of the Mom's Best brand that I have been buying....and there's the whole layer of "then I'd have to plan to get there often enough or buy mass quantities at once" because I go through what, about four cups of oatmeal in a week. (Of course the actual answer is that the quantity found in even the WORST brand (Quaker, interestingly, of the ones they tested) is very, very small - and is less than the processed oat cereals and granolas, and with my poor teeth I prefer the mushy oatmeal anyway). I dunno. I just object to being told "That healthful food you like....oh, haven't you heard?"
"Oh, haven't you heard?" is the ugly catchphrase of the ugly timeline we live in though.
I really need something I feel control over.
Ironically, last night I dreamed about building a very large and complex fairy-tale castle dollhouse, and running all over the place to buy the things I wanted to go in it, and I wonder if that was a little wish-fulfillment on the part of my subconscious mind - I had a lot of dollhouses as a kid (and as not such a kid....) and part of the reason I loved them was that I had control over the whole environment - what pictures went up on the walls were my choice, what kind of furniture they had.. I used to kind of delight as a child in making sure there were books and a checkerboard with seed-beads as checkers, and comfortable chairs, and proper bedding - so that the dolls or tiny teddy bears or toy mice or whatever lived in there would be "happy" and "comfortable."
(And I admit, I think from time to time about buying a dollhouse kit and making another one. Especially now when I have the money to get more or less what I want for it and don't have to wait weeks and weeks and save up my allowance and do stuff like buy the dining room chairs one at a time).
Perhaps in a way the Barbie dolls I've accumulated and that I periodically change the outfits on are a similar thing.
I COULD put the binding on the bird quilt - I cut the strips Wednesday (? I think. the days are starting to run together) and I am doing a pieced binding with scraps from the backing and the bird fabric. The problem with that is it's hard to hear (and get to in time) the phone from my back sewing room, and I don't have a phone jack in that room to move my phone to it....so I don't know.
But yeah. What I need is good news about my dad, and something to work on where I feel I have agency and control. (I suspect one of the reasons we so many problems in our world and our culture right now is there are a lot of people who feel like they don't have control over things) .
I did eat a more healthful lunch (some leftover Harvard beets, some fruit, a little bit of bread and cheese, a cup of mint herbal tea). Once again I'm having stomach issues. Can't tell if it's purely stress or if it's that I've been eating some not-great stuff (they fed us Rib Crib barbecue yesterday and I am wondering if maybe the seasonings contain celery seed; my reaction is similar to what happens when I get a little bit of carrot or celery in something I eat). I do find, as much as I hate the high vegetable diet and as boring as it is, that I feel better when I am eating it....
Edited to add:
I can only assume she's waiting until after 7 pm (the usual time they call me) or is still over at the hospital - still no call.
The single worst thing of this for me is that I'm home, alone (as always) and I can't concentrate on anything that distracts me. I did write my Sunday school lesson for Sunday (on the presumption that I will be here in town) but I don't think it's very good. I still have to do 20 minutes of piano practice but I don't always hear the phone when I'm playing so I don't know.
I screamed at a couple telemarketers (or more likely their robots) today when the phone rang and I jumped up and saw the telemarketer number. I probably should not have done that but.
Of course the horrible little demon in my mind is going "what if he's actually dead and your mom is trying to figure out the best way to call and tell you" but I'd hope if she didn't feel she could do it she'd recruit their church minister or something and I'd know.
Waiting is AWFUL but I don't want to try calling her at home because I presume she's still at the hospital and also if it IS really bad news I don't want to intrude until she's ready to tell me.
I was thinking a bit ago "If it's reasonably good news maybe you should go to the Ulta and stuff tomorrow to get yourself out of town and away" but then again if it's reasonably good news I will feel happy enough staying home to work on a quilt top, so...
(I know I'm not making a lot of sense here but this has been a horrific week. In a kinder world I would be relaxing and looking forward to a quiet weekend at home and not worrying)
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