Stick a fork

Editing a bit rather than deleting...

In a bit I have to go and set the beans for the "quick boil" so they can bake overnight while I sleep.

But yeah. This day has been extremely tiring for me, and it played badly with some of my personal "issues" (specifically: I hate uncertainty and being unable to plan, I hate being rushed, I hate feeling like I "failed" some arbitrary deadline)

And one other thought: All of the problems, all of the issues with this? Could probably be traced to People Who Are Already Too Busy Being Given Yet Another Task To Do: the loosey-goosey planning, the not-knowing-stuff-'til-the-last-minute, all of that. But that's how it is, now, at least in my state: everyone in education has to do lots of extra unpaid work and sometimes it gets kind of slip-shoddily done. (I probably need to take a lesson from that and instead of shorting genuinely important-to-me things like research planning, do more of a slip-shod effort on the volunteer work. 'Cos what are they gonna do? Fire me from my unpaid job?)

I gave my last test from 2:50 to 3:50. I was hoping people would finish up early but they did not. So, the final scores were due in at 4:30. I already had a key made up but a few questions were essay-type,so I had to read a bit to grade. (That was a mistake. That was a TOTAL mistake).

I was done and got over to the building at 4:35.

It was locked. My chair was there, also locked out. She said she was texting the head honcho to be let in but he wasn't responding. I ran around the building twice (the farthest I have run in a long time) and tried all the other doors. NONE were open. Running back, I saw a custodian through the glass door and pounded on it until he let me in.

Everyone had left except two of the other faculty. They were all at the awards ceremony. (So: I guess they couldn't give out awards for my event. Well, it's not my fault. I didn't schedule a bare 40 minutes grading time). The person who collected the stuff had gone, so I had to leave it on an unattended desk. If that's bad test security, I don't care. If I didn't get all the paper work in, I don't care.

THEY CAN FIRE ME FROM THIS FOR NEXT YEAR.

I'm not happy. And tomorrow I have church, and lunch after church (for which I am making the beans) and a Wesley center board meeting so....I don't get a single dang bit of time off. And Monday it's back, hammer and tongs, to work.

If I were a different sort of person, I'd just stay home tomorrow. Ignore the phone when it rang, let people worry a little about me. Then say I had a migraine and was in bed. But I can't do that, it's not in my nature, and I also suspect (given who's on the roster) I will be called upon yet again to fill in for eldering...

I think of my old grad school prof who once commented that all that unpaid unthanked volunteer stuff was "stars in your crown" (I presume he meant of the Heavenly variety) and I admit some days I would be happy with more time and freedom in the here and now and fewer "stars" at some future point, because it's not gonna actually matter then.

I also got irritated at a colleague who was not taking part who came in right as I was grading and asked me if I "had a second" for something. I was....somewhat rude to him, I think, but perhaps justifiably. 'Cos if I had given him "just a second" (which it NEVER is "just a second"), I would have been even later and might not have got in the building at all to drop my stuff off.

I wish there were a secret weekend day only given to those who do volunteer work, so we can rest up from our busy lives....


ETA: And I forgot to put on the dishwasher when I left the house so I'm going to have to hand wash things to be able to eat dinner. If I weren't worried about sodium (and especially now, I know my blood pressure is spiking from all the stress of today), I'd go out to eat. (Or rather: get carryout, because I do not feel comfortable walking into a restaurant alone at dinner time, especially here, where there are precious few "nice" (non-fast-food) restaurants, and I'd feel bad taking up a table that a couple or family might be eating at). But no, I guess I hand wash a few plates and forks and figure out what I have hanging around here at home.

this is one of those times I wish I had a chef. Or someone else in my life. Just someone to talk me down and tell me it's OK, I did my best, and it was good enough even though I don't feel like it was, and "Oh, sweetie, let me put the kettle on and I'll fix you something to eat..." but no, I was too independent, and so now I have to figure out my own darned dinner.

The biggest issue, and why I'm so grumpy: I need downtime, and quality downtime. Not fifteen minutes grabbed here and there....ideally, a full day per week, and this week I'm not going to get that. I also get irritated that it seems to be somewhat taken for granted that we do this, there has been no acknowledgement that "hey, we know you're busy, and we appreciate you taking this time" and yes that matters to me.

Or maybe I just fail at adulting, and everyone else is on top of this, and it doesn't feel like an imposition to write two 75-question tests and then give and grade those tests, I don't know. Maybe I really am just less capable than everyone else and I'm a fool to be complaining about not having enough time for things. I don't even know any more.