Tuesday morning thoughts

* Wow, was I tired when I got home last night. Being out in the sun more? Allergies? First day back? I don't know. I got my piano practice done and sort-of cooked dinner (main dish was sauteed spinach*)

(*Am trying to get more iron after, um, recent events suggest to me I probably need to be careful about replacing it)

I knit a few rounds on the Grasse Matinee (I am 2" or so from being able to do the edging of the body. I have decided I want to AT LEAST get to the sleeves on this before starting anything else new).

And then I just had to go to bed. It's been a long time since I felt that extremely tired. (Possibly related: my blood pressure, when I took it, was down to around 110/60, which is not abnormally low but is a bit low for me)

* Our enrollment is up about 6.5% over last year. And yes, I know, to a certain extent these numbers are gamed (counting people taking one on-line course the same as a full time student) but I know in the brave new world of lowered state appropriations, we live and die by enrollment. (There's also some evidence that one of our "sister schools" is hurting far, far worse than they let on publicly. I feel bad about that from the standpoint that I know faculty there, but I feel also like that may ultimately benefit us. I hate that circle-the-wagons feeling like it's a small pie and if we can get a bigger piece that's great even if it means someone else gets a smaller one, but that's what circumstances have reduced us to).

* Saw another TSET "nannying" ad this morning. (TSET is the group tasked with using the "tobacco settlement" money. Its original plan was to use it for tobacco-abatement education, but it's experienced mission creep, like just about anything in government that has a budget). This one is about exercise and my goodness. Yes, I think MOST adults are aware they need to exercise. The ad implied we should be doing an hour a day.

Now, I probably exercise more than average, and I can't/won't do an hour every day. I MIGHT do an hour occasionally if I'm out hiking or doing yardwork or something actually fun. But I'm not going to be on a bike that goes nowhere for an hour or similar - and not every day, because I'm old and creaky and tend to hurt myself if I overdo.

And yes, I realize this is, to lightly euphemise a favorite phrase of an old friend, "My stuff," but this kind of thing doesn't work so well on me because it makes me feel uncomfortable and guilty and tune out the message. I am pretty sure it's being done on the same grounds that some etiquette experts suggest, instead of getting-mad-at and confronting that chronically late friend, you just tell them the meeting time is 15 minutes to a half-hour earlier than you expect it to be - in other words, they are telling us to work out for an hour in the hopes of getting us to do 15 minutes.

That might work on most people. It doesn't work on recovering perfectionists like me. I was actually wondering, "If I got up early and did my usual 1/2 hour to 40 minutes, could I cram in another 20 minutes later in the day? And I realized, no, not really, not with piano practice* and cooking and laundry and in a few weeks grading and afternoon/evening meetings and everything else.

(*And darn it, no. I am NOT giving that up)

But the thing is - with other ads suggesting we all need a "side hustle" (and I suppose in some careers, you do) and all of that - when do we sleep? When do we relax? Everything just seems a little too much some times. Life is, and should be, more than just work and exercise and housework.

Also, and this is an issue that came up in all the budget cutting last year: why can not some of this "education" money be diverted to places where it would really count, like actual health care or one-on-one health education for those who don't get it already? Instead of spamming all of us with ads that frankly tick some of us off, and the rest of us ignore?

(Follow the money, I suppose)

Anyway. As I said on Twitter I generally avoid soda but the sugar-soda-shaming ads from the same outlet kind of want me to DRINK a soda in defiance. (I keep that flavored seltzer stuff on hand - no sugar and generally no salt, but it satisfies the need for something fizzy when you want it. Once in a very great while, if I am eating a meal out somewhere, I will have a lemon-lime soda or a root beer, but that's not more than once a month)

* One of the older men in the congregation I belong to died. He had been unwell for quite a while (Had had several surgeries, mainly to try to correct some circulatory issues). His wife has also struggled. I feel sad that he's gone but at least he's out of pain now.

The funeral is Thursday, I got a call last night asking if I could make the jam bars I often make for receptions and bring them down. (They know I am busy with teaching so big things are off the table, as is serving at the luncheon). I said yes, I could do that - I will probably pick up the couple of things I need (ground pecans and powdered sugar) at the Green Spray on my way home and do them tonight.

And a couple of thoughts:

- When you're a "church lady" (And I think I can call myself that, even if I didn't follow the standard "adult woman" path of marriage-and-children), you often have something specific you're called on to make. For my mom, it's often her "Aunt Lou's Orange Cake" that she's made a lot for funerals. Or her seven-layer salad. I don't know. There's something I just LIKE about that idea, that everyone has their "thing" they do, and that in cases of a death (or a happier occasion, like the installation of a new minister), you get called on to make that thing and bring it and people kind of expect it.

- Also, the funeral - which is at 1 pm Thursday and I think I will go to, I can run out after class and if I have to skip lunch, so be it - is on the same day as this "Be a Rockstar Teacher" program that's on campus. It has been very heavily advertised and as I commented before, I dislike the whole idea of pushing people to be "Rockstars," because I have a specific stereotypical idea of what a "Rockstar" is, and I see it as being more about the person and what they get and how they benefit, than it is about doing the best job possible and using your own special talents in your own particular way to benefit others. I've also said that as a culture we need fewer wannabee "rockstars" and more just solid decent people you can depend on. (There was a mention - just one, I counted - of "servant leadership" in the various meetings I was at last week. And granted, you far, far more commonly hear "servant leadership" discussed in a religious setting - it's a big thing we talk about in my congregation - but I tend to see that as a better model than the "Okay, I'm in charge, so what perks do I get now?" idea that seems to be so common these days. The problem, of course, is that "servant leadership" can be very tiring....)

But anyway: I'd far rather make jam bars for the reception for the F family, and go to Mr. F.'s funeral, than go to that program. It's not that I don't WANT to improve my teaching....it's partly that I think the model of how I would work to improve would be different from "rockstar," but also, there are things that are far more important (like being there for people) to me than being seen as a "rockstar" is.

* There's been some talk lately about the various factions in our culture, and how some groups feel downtrodden and the like, and also there was discussion I saw of "Hey, have you noticed: sitcoms are all pretty much about upper-middle-class lifestyles, even if the people portrayed are supposed to be in the working class?" and the idea of the inflation of what we think we deserve and everything.

And I don't know. I know I've been very blessed in my life (or, if you prefer: had my share of privilege)  but another thing I've learned is: you have to define "success" for yourself. What makes another person a "success" isn't necessarily what will do it for you, and if everyone decides they need fame and fortune....well, there are gonna be a lot of disappointed people.

And granted, maybe for some, success is that figurative gold-plated toilet. But that's not what it takes for all of us to feel successful. The thing I want most, I guess, is to feel like I've made a difference somehow. On good days I feel that. And sometimes, yes, "making a difference" means you make do with less, or you don't advance yourself as much. But that's okay... Which is why I'm going to the funeral of a man I really didn't know ALL that well (I know his wife better, have served on committees with her) instead of some get-ahead seminar.

I also think perhaps, thinking of the other person instead of yourself gets you out of your head a little - and maybe it does choke off some of that nascent dissatisfaction about "why don't I even have a gold-plated sink tap, when there are people who have entirely gold-plated bathrooms" (and of course, in some cases, going out to help the other guy maybe reminds you that there are people in this world who don't have a bathroom AT ALL....)