All the feels

Having one of those days.

On twitter, riffing about the comment a highly-placed political official made about another person, that he was a "high-quality person and very transparent," I said I didn't want to speculate on whether or not I'm high-quality, but I'm certainly "transparent," if by "transparent" you mean "prone to barf out all your feelings on social media."

But better out than in, as a famous ogre once said, so here goes:

* I'm sick of summer, officially. It's too hot, I don't want to go anywhere or do anything because it's so hot. Even sewing last night was less fun because my sewing room is at the end of the chain of ductwork so it stays warmer than the rest of the house (and dragging a fan in there would be tough, never mind finding a place to plug it in).

I watered the plots again this morning and it was just miserable.

* My student is still sick and now I'm worried it's something more serious than a simple stomach bug, and how will we finish the project if she can't finish the summer? And doing the watering alone is a pain and takes more than twice the effort doing it with two people does - you have to hook up the hose, then feed it out through the gap in the fence, then pull it partway up to the plots, then feed more hose, then pull it more of the way, then walk back to turn it on (so you don't waste water or get yourself soaked while feeding it), water all the plots being sure not to drag the hose across any of them (and that is after unhooking the chain that closes the gate), then pull the hose back out, close the gate to the plots, go turn off the water, pull the hose bit by bit through the gap in the fence, coil it up, at some point unhooking it and at which point you will get wet even if you tried to "bleed" the hose before moving it (which requires more walking back and forth - back to the nozzle after you've shut off the water) and then lock up the big heavy gate.

And it's hard not to take things as a personal insult, in the mood I'm in:
- the hose gets hot in the sun (black rubber) and hurts my hands
- it's a lot of effort to drag it and coil it (I still feel like I should be singing sea shanties as I pull on the hose; it seems very much like old-time sailors pulling rope for whatever they pulled rope for)
- there are sandburs that get in my socks and hurt (Sandburs feel like a personal insult)
- It's just hot, and it's inefficient, and there's a lot of walking back and forth, and if the stupid gate weren't on the other side of the fence from where the hose has to be fed out from, it would be a thousand times easier...

And I think about how if I had someone to help me, it would be easier, but there's no one - the two colleagues who are on campus are in class when I need to be watering, there's no one else here.

* Summer is lonesome. I think I talked to ONE person yesterday, and that was less than 10 words - the colleague who teaches anatomy saw me heading out for lunch and he said "Going home for the day?" and I said, "No, going home for lunch" and he said "Oh."

Almost no one else is around. The person with whom I share a teaching lab is not around and some decisions need to be made about what to do with some of the stuff in there (new OSHA rules limiting what can be stored where) and I can't get rid of anything that is his with him not here, but I don't know where to put it, because it can't stay where it is.

I also just kind of hate summer in general, because the popular image of it does not match up to my experience:

My experience: it's hot, it's bright, a lot of the things I like doing aren't active at the moment, going anywhere feels like more of an effort

The popular image: BIG FUN TIMES GO TO THE BEACH AND THE POOL AND GO OUT AND MEET PEOPLE AND PARTY AND FUN AND LOVIN' IN THE SUMMERTIME AND THIS IS THE BEST TIME OF YOUR LIFE

and I am like "No." I don't like hanging out at the pool (uncomfortable in a swimsuit, chlorine bothers me). I don't like being out in the hot sun for long because I overheat easily and burn easily and would rather be indoors unless I am actually, you know, doing fieldwork, and even then, I'd rather be doing it in the spring and the fall when it's more temperate.

And I also feel like "maybe I'm missing out. Maybe this really is the fun time and everyone else is off having fun and I don't know where they are and I am missing the fun" and I feel extra miserable because I feel like I am, once again, failing at fun.

I also miss having a schedule. I thought I wouldn't, but I do. I mean, I don't miss dealing with student emergencies or "emergencies" (the person who fails to plan in advance and then it falls to me to try to help them mop up) and I don't miss all the "hey i am not going to be in class today because of reasons and can i have an excused absence because i've already missed three times and i don't want to start losing points"

But I miss having something that feels purposeful each day. I missed seeing people and not feeling like some kind of weird rapture has happened and I'm one of the few left behind.

* I'm also roundly sick of Environmental Policy and Law. I've become even more cynical about how lawmaking works in this country now that I've seen it written up of how it should work vs. how it usually actually works (there are a hundred ways to game the system if you have money and/or influence)

I spent about six to seven hours yesterday and Monday reading and taking notes on the stuff and I need to do some more today, I guess, but I just find myself resisting it. I need to keep going though - next week is going to be taken up with some other stuff, and it's only about a month before classes start, and I only have about a month's worth of material prepared thus far.

* And tonight is Board Meeting, which on top of the "ugh, have to leave the house after I've returned home for the day" has been promoted as an "important" meeting and I am now worried there's some controversy we'll have to deal with or some unpleasant decision that needs to be made. And yes, I know: I worry excessively about things like this, but in the past there have been meetings that blindsided me with their unpleasantness. And also, it seems to be a 'survival strategy' I've developed, that anticipating the worst means that anything even slightly less than the very worst feels like a win....(It's also possible that this is the first meeting with new board members, and our last meeting was poorly-attended, and they may be trying to make it so more people come, I don't know)

* And yeah. I've felt more anxious these past few days over stuff. I am sure part of it is the "one inch picture frame" - when I am working on just one or a few things, it's easier to get totally inside my head and then little things bug me far more than they should. I'm not good at letting stuff go:
- why don't I have more in-person friends to do stuff with? (Realization: I don't reach out to people that much. Part of it is that most of the people I know are a good bit older than I am. Part of it is, I think, as a kid, I was "taught" by my peers that I was a pest other people really didn't want around and they tolerated for the sake of....I don't know. But I think I'm slow to want to call someone and suggest doing something because somewhere in the back of my mind there's still that fear that maybe I am a pest.)

- why did the city call me and not leave a message? (that was yesterday's worry, and probably, it was either a misdial from an employee, or maybe their 'bot hiccuped - they do robocalls for things like bad-weather warnings)

- what's the meeting tonight going to be? Isn't this when we renew the six-month contract of the new pastor? What if someone thinks he's not had enough new people decide to join or enough new donations brought in to keep him on, what will we do then?

- will I get the Policy and Law stuff done in time? Will I do a good enough job of it? Should I have told them to try to hire an adjunct instead of me doing it, even though getting someone qualified and willing to teach for what the uni will pay is unlikely.

- why can't I motivate myself to clean my house better? My bedroom and sewing rooms are a pit and if I were injured or required surgery I'd be embarrassed to get someone in to help me with stuff - I'd probably insist on the futon being made up into a bed and sleeping out in the living room just so no one would go into my bedroom, it's such a mess.