Tuesday, March 07, 2017

hitting a wall

It happened today.

Part of it was people just being LOUD in my building. And then random hammering started up. I went out in the hall to see if I could see who was doing it and either ask them to stop (if it wasn't necessary) or find out an estimated end-time (if it was necessary) but I couldn't find them.

Part of it was that was told I have yet another stupid little bureaucratic task I will have to do. It's not a big thing, it will take maybe 20 minutes at the most - but it has to be done at the end of the day tomorrow, and I have an evening meeting, and it's just.....I'm tired at the end of the day and I don't like being told to do more stuff.

Part of it was just fallout feelings from the whole incident yesterday early in the day and seeing other people do stuff like cancel classes in fits of pique over a situation, whereas I drag myself over broken glass (figuratively) in order to meet my classes and I don't know if I am in the wrong or they are and it frustrates me.

Part of it is just the reminder that I'm laboring in the twilight of American higher education, and I will be lucky if I make it to retirement without being replaced by something like Siri. The world has changed so much since I was a kid, and it often feels like the rules I followed are gone, and when I do the things I was taught were the right things, or the things that would help me succeed in life, I'm just a chump for doing them, and I'm going to lose out, and there's nothing I can do to win.

And I just hit a wall on the workouts/carbohydrate restriction today. Lunch was three little turkey sausages, and a bowl of plain mashed sweet potatoes, and a little cheese, and a few raspberries, and a cup of tea (no milk, no sugar). And today was the day to do the dvd workout, and I did it, but it was REALLY hard to motivate myself to. My bum hip is griping me (I don't know why) and the knee on that side isn't too happy either, probably from favoring the hip. I'm going to keep it all up because (a) I said I was giving up sweets for Lent and darnit, I do what I say, (b) my bloodwork is Monday and I don't want to spoil it now*, and (c) I really need to do this for my health. But it's kind of miserable and it's making me slightly miserable.

(*I am pre-emptively claiming the right to be furious at my body and sad for at least a week if I turn up with Type II diabetes or somesuch, and have to live on this carbohydrate restriction FOREVER and also take another medication or two. And yes, I know, you can't always fight genetics but....I've worked out 5/7 of the days since I was 24 (in other words, half my life now) and that has to count for something)

Anyway, with the noise and the chaos I decamped to home after my last class, with Big Plans to:
a. take the rest of my paperwork to the tax place
b. read through allllllll the scholarship applications
c. start reading through the "environmental policy and law" stuff for this class I'm supposed to teach this fall and am already slightly panicky about.

Well, I got (a) done. The person I met with - not the normal person I work with - was slightly grumpy and cranky at me and I tried to get out there as fast as I could. And I got (b) done but was slightly irritated in that several people did not follow the instructions (no cover letter, no recommendations: just their transcript, and, I presume, a wish to "gimme the money") I tend to feel that those should be dropped from consideration but I'll see what the rest of the committee wants. (There are more worthy people, anyway, who DID follow the directions)

(c) I haven't started on. I did my Duolingo for the day, and I might do some more piano practice, but I also need to do that.

But yeah. I'm just tired. Next week is spring break but it's going to mostly be a working break (I am not traveling this year either), so there's not a lot to look forward to for that.

I also saw today an instance of what I think now may have been bullying hidden behind a mask of "I care so much." I find that kind of thing upsetting because it's usually only a while after I see stuff like that that I see it for what it is, I just feel vaguely weird and oogy in the moment, like something's not right, and then I feel angry afterwards - angry at the person for their passive-aggressiveness, and angry at myself for not being able to see it for what it is.

I don't know. Right now I just have a lot of feelings really raw and close to the surface and I don't know why. I probably need to just shut this down and maybe take a shower and maybe just go to bed.

ETA: and while I'm feeling sorry for myself, here's one of the most affecting scenes (to me) in MLP:FiM. (Backstory: Fluttershy has serious performance anxiety about helping form a pegasus-vortex with the other pegasi to lift water to Cloudsdale. She has a history of being a weak flyer and also got teased  for that).

How many times I've said to myself I wish I had someone to pet my hair like that and reassure me it was going to be okay. But because I'm fundamentally alone in this world (Maybe we all are?) I have to just pull myself up and keep soldiering on.

No comments: