Monday, February 06, 2017

low motivation Monday

I spent way too much time faffing around on the Internet this weekend, and didn't really get much relaxation in. Saturday I did go shopping and Sunday I spent part of the afternoon cleaning up my horrible kitchen and the dining room, and doing a bit on the living room. (The kitchen bothers me the most when it's dirty, because I worry about food being prepared under unhygienic conditions).

I also gathered up a box of books I figured I could stand to get rid of - some duplicates (the old paperback versions of the Dark is Rising sequence, which I now have in a nicer Folio edition), some books I've read and won't need to read again, some I decided I will probably never read (some "grab bag" mystery novels). I need to call the public library to see if they're accepting books for their fall sale yet...

My house is small and too cluttered for its size. But once again I'm made leery of storage units - one of the weird news stories of the week, a storage-unit complex in Ardmore was broken into, but apparently nothing was stolen - the guys just rifled through different units. They broke a few things, though.

I have a bad history with storage units and would, honestly, rather just get rid of stuff than rent one: when I was a college student I effectively moved home every summer and one year I rented a storage unit for a lot of my stuff. Which flooded that summer because of heavy rain. I lost most of the books I had stored there and a few other items. (The kitchen stuff - mostly the dishes I was using at the time - could be washed and used again). The storage unit staff were distinctly unhelpful and unsympathetic. Yes, now I know I should have had renter's insurance but that still didn't call for the rudeness of their response.

So anyway.

Part of the problem here though is that it's arduous to get rid of stuff. I have some clothing I could donate, but I'm not sure where - I don't even know where the Goodwill drop-off point is, and I don't know what all they take. Some of it will probably wind up in the trash because it's too worn. (I was saving a few old pairs of jeans for this place that supposedly makes them into insulation, but you know? I still haven't sent them and I lost the address, so). It's also hard to recycle here - you have to take your stuff somewhere. I don't like throwing stuff that might still have some use in it away, but I have to get more draconian about that because that kind of thing - "saving" stuff until you can donate it - leads to piles and piles of junk.

I set up the lab for this afternoon and applied the treatments for the week to my plants. I need to be typing the Manuscript of Doom but just can't bring myself to. And to start prepping the new class I'm going to teach this fall. And figure out what the heck I'm going to do for the science olympiad. But I am just so tired.


And I just found out that the room I teach in tomorrow has a burned-out projector bulb. No idea as to ETA of replacement (we aren't allowed to do it ourselves, and with a "runnin' lean" support staff, things take longer). So I will have to do extra prep in case it's me, the chalkboard, and chalk, with no images from the book and no keyword slides. Ugh.

And I think I realized part of my distress this morning - part of my distress this year: it seems that so many things being done in the world, I mean both politically and socially and everything are being done out of a sense of "tit for tat." Or rather, not the "you scratch my back, I scratch yours" sense, but the "you kicked sand in my face three years ago, so I egg your car today" sense. I've said it before and I've said it again: an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. And I'm getting tired of feeling like I'm the only one around trying to be a grown-up. Because if I'm the "best" grown-up around, humanity is screwed, because I'm *terrible* at being a grown-up - I am constantly wanting to run and hide in my house, and I spend my disposable income on pony toys, and I sometimes eat sandwiches made with peanut butter and marshmallow cream (not Fluff, that's not sold in this area). I just learned this year how to put lipstick on properly. But some days I really do feel like there are vanishingly few grown-ups out there, and lots of people are just going around being giant toddlers and it makes me both sad and frustrated because, as I've said before, I spent so much of my childhood being told to (a) get over my hurt feelings, (b) not lash out at people when I'm hurting, and (c) show others respect even if I feel they might not fully deserve it.

Grah. I'm sure part of this is related to physical stuff going on (allergies and that, um, other thing) but I would dearly love to have had campus closed by a water leak or something today so I could have stayed home and played the piano more and knitted more and maybe watched some cartoons.


Also, interpersonal interactions are hard. I have someone in my life right now who is newly diagnosed with Type II Diabetes and I understand, I really do, how hard changing your whole life and your whole diet and having to take crummy new medications with unpleasant side effects.


This person saw my "Life is short, eat cookies" lunch tote, and immediately snarked "Yeah, and if you eat cookies, your life will be even shorter."


I growled back "It's FIGURATIVE" - I take it to mean, not literally eat cookies, but "enjoy the good things that are out there." But the person didn't twig to the fact that was annoyed and just kept up with their damn improv routine that they were off on and grar.

And yeah, I'm extra sensitive to this because my dad is classified "pre diabetic" and has to watch his diet and take meds, and I'll probably be there some day, and I'm already darned careful about how I eat but really - what a miserable, joy-sucking thing to say to someone. There's already little enough joy in the world as it is, it seems like, and to snatch it away from someone else and stomp on it seems actively cruel.

And yeah, I recognize that I'm extremely oversensitive right now but I have too many things I am trying to work on and I have other things that are worrying me a little and I'm tired and I'm uncomfortable because of the surprise my body sprang on me this weekend.....but, gah. I remember one time when I was somewhere with this person shortly after I was diagnosed with hypertension and there was free pizza and my reaction, as I DIDN'T TAKE ANY BECAUSE I COULDN'T HAVE ANY was to say "enjoy a slice for me"

I didn't even have any damned cookies in my lunch. So there.

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