one last thought

And then I really need to run to the bank and figure out how to eat lunch when there's essentially no food in the house and no carry-out food I can really eat:

It's a good thing I am a relatively boring, staid, stable person. Because upsets like this morning don't drive me to do crazy things. If I were more of a manic pixie dream girl and less of an Edwardian battleship, I'd have done something like shaved half my head in response to the various upsets of this morning.

I didn't even cancel my train reservations and swear I'd eat the cost of the registration, and just not go, even though I threatened to.

The problem is, it's the staid, boring people who keep the world running, and it runs us down a lot of the time. I'm tired. I'm SO tired.

***

I think all of the stuff that happened played a lot on several issues I have:

1. the feeling of being rejected coupled with not being good enough. I am sure this traces back to childhood when I experienced a lifetime's worth of rejection (or so it seemed) at the hands of my peers, and because how my brain's wired, instead of my going "They're stupid and they need to be better" I would go "there must be something wrong with me, how can I change myself so people will love me?"

2. My difficulty delegating and the fact that it seems all so often when I trust someone else to take care of things stuff goes wrong. ("You had one job") People are telling me conference abstracts go missing all the time and it's not a big deal, but this is the first time it happened to me and it feels like a big deal, and I also am blaming myself for not e-mailing back at some point and saying, "Hey, I never got an acceptance letter, is there some problem?"

I dunno. I'm tired and sad right now. I have too many books in my bag - a couple of mystery novels (I am almost done with 13 Guests and darn it, I want to know how it ends), a copy of the book the "Call the Midwife" series was based on, one called something like "the everyday life of prehistoric people" and one of Brian Fagan's climate books (on El Nino). Yeah, I will probably get ONE read on the train up and ONE read on the train back, but somehow it makes me feel better to have a stash of books in case of a book-related emergency.

And I probably have too much knitting: the current simple socks, the yarn and pattern for a hat, for mitts, yarn for a second pair of simple socks (the Hufflepuff colorway I bought some time back because despite what some online tests have suggested, I would SO be in Hufflepuff). And then today I added in the eye-searingly neon pink yarn I bought from KnitPicks a while back and a copy of Knitty's "Spring Ahead" sock pattern in case I decide I want something more complicated than plain socks but less complicated than the cabled mitts.

Yes, it's like this. I remember relating TOTALLY to Ernie in this sketch when it was on Sesame Street when I was a child:



Yeah, I'm one of those people who annoys other people because I can't pack quite light enough. But you have to be prepared for every contingency!