And now this:

From the "Never assume everything is going smoothly" files.

The proceedings of the conference were posted. I am not sure when they were but I checked first for them today.

Guess what? My poster abstract is not in them.

My first assumption: Oh. It wasn't good enough. It got rejected and no one bothered to send me a letter, either because SOP now is you only hear back if you're in, and I didn't know that, because I don't go to enough conferences. Or that it was so monumentally bad that the people who read it were like "LOL does she really expect us to tell her she's not in?"

(Yeah. I may take the examples of the Dunning-Kruger effect I've seen too much to heart, and project that kind of confidence-with-utter-lack-of-ability on myself).

Other possibility: it got lost in the shuffle. So I e-mailed the organizer (e-mail is all I have for him). My mom knows his wife slightly and so when I called her up, upset, threatening to cancel my train tickets and just eat the cost of the registration of the skipped conference, she sighed, and said, "I'll call Becky."

Turns out there's at least one other person whose abstract failed to make it in. I've been asked to resend my abstract but dang. It's not going to be in the proceedings so why bother? I won't be able to "prove" I presented when post-tenure review rolls around. I am slightly paranoid about dealings with people where I claim something, because years back there was an exchange with an admin - for some reason, he needed copies of all our transcripts, and my grad institution was slow in sending them, and so I offered to bring in my diploma from my Ph.D. to "prove" I graduated, and his response was "Yeah, those can be faked." (I WISH I was kidding)

So I just figure NO ONE trusts me. (And I return the "favor")

So unless I get some kind of official letter, or even a "dang, I'm sorry it missed getting in the proceedings, of course it's accepted" letter, I'm not putting it on the CV. So in a way this trip is an utter waste and yes I know I was bemoaning the other day doing only things "profitable" but that was for things enjoyable and pleasing and this isn't going to be particularly fun.

I wish I could be done with conferences and research forever but I'm expected to do at least a little as a tenured prof. I don't get PAID for it (unless I can get a grant that includes a salary for me) but I'm expected to do it.

Lesson learned: never assume things are going smoothly. Always be that person who has to nag everyone. MONITOR EVERYTHING!!!!

But yeah. This was not a happy or fun morning and the rest of the day looks to be the same. It's nearly 9 am and I have not eaten breakfast yet which tells you the level of upset I've had to work through. (I do need to eat something; I took my medications and you can get shaky with one of them if you take it and don't eat)


Edited to add, at about 20 to 11:

Over at school. Have sent abstract again, have saved it to flashdrive (with emergency backup copy of poster in case mine gets destroyed or some officious Amtrak guy tells me either the poster stays behind or both I and the poster stay behind).

And I"m tired. Something I said was apparently taken the wrong way.

And I ask myself: when do I run out of darns to give (would use another word in  more common parlance but I like to keep the blog g-rated). When do I hit that wall where I stop caring? Because caring wears me out.

I cared way too much that maybe my poster was left out; I immediately assumed that it meant it wasn't good enough when probably it was an oversight. Having to adjust my plans for the train being late - and then adjust them back when it turns out it may well be on time (they "turned" that train jolly quick, I tell you). Having just to deal with everything. Having a couple of big upsets and shocks early in the day means I'm less capable of dealing later on. ("Laughter before breakfast means tears before lunch" is an old saying, but in my case, it's more: "having lots of things go wrong before breakfast means tears before lunch.")

I wish I were better at not being permeable to this kind of stuff. I wish I were better at not putting the blame for stuff on to myself (the whole "my poster wasn't good enough" thing). I wish I were better at having fun.

I'm sitting at my desk crying and I can't even give a good explanation as to why other than having to call Amtrak before 7 am to find out what on earth was up with my train, and then going, "okay, I guess I eat dinner at home and leave out of here around 5 pm" and then finding out my abstract wasn't in the proceedings and the multiple phone calls to try to get that sorted out and then finding out that the train WAS on time after all and then realizing I would have to scramble to cover everything. I THINK I'm all packed and I'm really hoping I don't wind up forgetting something semi-vital but hard to replace (sunglasses, I have. Hat I will put in my suitcase. Medications are in my carry on as is my mouthguard for at night. Knitting is in but am contemplating figuring out another project - maybe looking up a lace or knit/purl pattern sock and throwing in yarn for those, too, just in case something else goes to heck and I wind up stuck for somewhere longer than what a pair of socks, a hat, and a pair of mitts will take to knit.)

I'd be a lot happier about this trip if it was a fun trip but it's almost 100% a work trip - there will be little time for anything like shopping or hanging out, the days will be pretty much 8 to 5 talks - and I'm already tired, so....and when I come back, it's right BACK to work. And then it's fall semester....