Friday morning stuff

* This weekend is going to be one of those non-weekends that no one warned me about before I was an adult: important meeting last night, important meeting this afternoon, lots of grading (papers from my biggest class) this afternoon, the volunteer stuff tomorrow, have to bake a cake Sunday, meeting Monday night. Ugh.

* Am really hoping that the streak of "someone from my family in the ER on a Friday" is broken this week. (2 weeks ago: my dad with the medication foul-up, last week: me, with gastritis that freaked me out and made me think it was far worse than what it was.) I suppose at least I can say that both of those ER visits were for things that were ultimately easily resolved and caused no lasting damage to the person. But I will be happier when tomorrow comes with no one I am related to having to go to the ER. (Also, it sounds like one of my uncles went to the ER at some point because HE was having low blood-pressure issues)

* Also, at the meeting last night, in re: our big volunteer effort, one of the people was talking about some problems that arose in one of the groups we were serving (two people in the group we were serving got into an argument IN FRONT OF CHILDREN and also there is another person we work with who uses deviousness to get what she wants). And the thought popped into my head, but I had too much of a filter on to be able to say it: "So many tall people, so few grown-ups." It feels that way to me some times. Especially about the person who used deceit to get something that was only marginally better than what she would have had otherwise.

I dunno. I have had, once or twice, people ask me, "Did you ever think of going into the ministry?" and honestly, I did, when I was 13: the church my family belonged to had a woman minster, and she seemed so learned and so kind, and I thought, "That must be a good life." But I became a biologist instead. However, I often kept in the back of my mind the idea of maybe going to seminary as a retirement project and serving then. Now, I'm not so sure. I can do the "God stuff" just fine, things like delivering prayers or preaching or even sitting by someone's bedside when they are in the hospital. But the "people stuff" - which is a huge part of a minister's job, the counseling - that's a big nope. I'm a conflict avoider of the first water, and sometimes in that kind of counseling role you have to say the hard things that make people turn their anger towards you rather than each other. And there's so much that people do that either frustrates me or makes me despair or that I don't understand.

So I don't know. I will say I am now thinking more on the order of doing something art-related when I retire, either learning REALLY how to throw pottery, or acquiring a longarm quilting machine and just making tons and tons of quilts to donate places. (I wouldn't even do it for pay, because then you risk dealing with demanding people).

* I have already decided I am taking next weekend OFF. I am going to do the semi-regular Sherman run (I need some better groceries) and by then I should be through with worrying about how my gut reacts to things so I can go to the good barbecue place for lunch.

* Also next weekend is Valentine's day. I need to send the cards I got for my parents. I sent off Miniontines to friends, that's kind of the extent of what I do. I'm okay with it, much more okay than I was a few years ago. I honestly think a big part of my discomfort with being a long-term single was the feeling that I didn't have society's "approval" or that people thought I was weird or something. I dunno. I care about that a bit less now, and anyway, I figure if the people around me who have known me for years think I'm weird because I'm single, then they don't know the full depth of my weirdness. (None of them, save you who read here, know how deeply I am a fan of Ponies, for example)

Also, the whole gift giving thing is just so broken. I saw a "Vermont Teddy Bear" V-day ad this morning and I admit those are enough to put me off teddy bears. So much unspoken quid pro quo. Also, I tend to think the "typical" gift (candy, flowers, jewelry, lingerie, teddy bear or other stuffed thing) for a woman doesn't actually work that well for many women. (I don't wear "lingerie," I wear "underwear" and what I wear to bed is most often a t-shirt and pair of elastic-waist shorts. And I'm allergic to some flowers.) On the other hand: a book I didn't own yet, or a skein of sock yarn, or even just a funny card that makes me laugh would be something that would make me happy.

Also, several of the craft-purveyors I use are having Valentine's day sales and it occurred to me that a person could buy themselves a Valentine's day gift, thus ensuring they get exactly what they want. Oh, I probably WON'T as I have so many supplies ahead and really what probably works better is to give myself the gift of sitting down and working on one of my big projects, but it's a thought.

I liked Valentine's Day better when I was a kid, when you got part of the afternoon off from lessons and had a party with cupcakes and red Hi-C* and you brought in funny cartoon valentines to give your friends and usually I gave them to EVERYONE in the class, even the kids I didn't particularly like** because I knew what feeling excluded was like and I didn't want someone to feel excluded. I did save back the ones I thought were nicest to give to my particular friends or whatever little boy I had a proto-crush on that year.

(*Do they still even MAKE Hi-C?)

(** Some years that may also have been the rule. And while I'm generally not in favor of the "everyone gets a trophy" model, I do think in the very early grades, maybe at least ENCOURAGING kids to give everyone a "happy valentine's" card, even kids they don't care for that much - well, that may be a little lesson in Loving Your Neighbor or at least Not Being An Obvious Jerk To Your Neighbor.)

* Thought from the Inspector Gamache novel, though in his case he was talking about someone who had suffered genuine abuse as a child - he notes that when a person is wounded emotionally as a child, there are two directions that person goes: either they develop more empathy than they might and they become a kinder person (perhaps he was referring to the victim, who was a well-loved woman in her community) or else they become an abuser themselves (apparently that was the perpetrator).

And I do think there's some truth to that. And maybe it's the degree of wounding the person experiences. And maybe if there's some kind of mitigating factor. I was in some ways an unhappy and unpopular child at school, and yet, I could ALWAYS fall back on knowing that my parents loved and valued me (and also other adults in my life: and this is perhaps another good reason to belong to a church or other religious group with your children). And maybe having that solid core of comfort allowed me to weather the way school was better. I WILL say the way I was treated by my peers, as much as it stunk and as miserable as I was at the time, probably did lead to me being a more compassionate person than I might be otherwise. Though it's a heck of a way to learn compassion.