So, the news

Dangit, humanity (or some instances of it) can be pretty awful.

I'm not even going to speculate on facts. I think we might know a few of them this morning - or at least it looks like we do, and maybe we've been wrong before - but I'm thinking about reactions. How do "normal" people deal with this knowledge?

I mean, yeah: my probability of getting wiped out in a car accident are a lot greater than my being taken out in a mass shooting (even given the fact I work on a college campus). But I rarely worry about driving. (Oh, I have the normal, "I better be careful" thoughts, and I do tend to avoid driving when it's icy or late on weekend nights when the drunks are most likely to be out). But I don't hear about a bad car wreck on the news and go, "Okay, that's it: I'm not going to Sherman any more to grocery shop."

And yet, I hear stuff like what happened in San Bernadino yesterday, and I go "better off avoiding the malls. And maybe the holiday party on campus. And maybe even not go to the grocery except at times when it's almost deserted, like 6 am on a Saturday"

I suppose it's a similar mentality to the one that prevents people from going out and getting flu shots, but who demand an immediate closure of the borders when one patient with Ebola arrives here. It's the rare and horrifying thing that motivates people, not the mundane but far more likely thing.

(It may also be that I feel like I have more control over my driving - I am a pretty good defensive driver, I am constantly scanning for "escape paths" in case there's an accident ahead of me, I pay lots of attention to the road and what is going on. And while I like to think I have decent "situational awareness," still, recognizing something is hinky isn't going to help you much if there's one door out of the classroom and the person being hinky is standing in that door. Well, unless you can throw the podium at him or something, which is what I would try to do if some serious hinkiness started)

But yeah.

I will admit the thought of hunkering down in my house this weekend (instead of going antiquing) crossed my mind because, well, you never know. (IF - and I sincerely hope this is not the case - this was the tip of the wedge, and there's something else bad that happens today or tomorrow, I may not go. But I really think or at least hope this was a one-off.)

And I also admit I am hit with conflicting feelings here. Three different ones:

1. I NEED TO DO SOMETHING GOOD AND HELPFUL EVEN IF IT IS REALLY SMALL LIKE KNITTING A HAT FOR CHARITY BECAUSE I WANT TO TRY TO DO GOOD ACTS TO TRY TO COUNTERACT ALL THE BAD ONES (and that's almost immediately followed by a feeling of "What's the point? all the hats in the world won't help.")

2. What right do I have to celebrate Christmas and be happy, when so much bad stuff is happening to other people? But this is a counter productive argument; I suspect some of the people who died, were they given one last chance to speak, would tell others to be happy and enjoy life as much as possible.

(There's also a subset of #2, where I go: "It's a good thing I'm not God because humanity would be a smoking crater in the earth right now, and I'd let some other animal come to dominate the planet but withhold free will this time, because obviously mortal beings can't handle it." Of course there's a lot of bad theology in there and I"m basically lashing out in frustration over the fact that I can't influence others to behave better. And that there are a lot more people on this earth who use their free will, at least most of the time, to do neutral to good things.

And something I said when I wound up at the table (sigh) again last Sunday - something about how Christmas shows us that the world isn't so bad that it isn't worth trying to redeem. And the funny thing is, as much as I try, publicly, to be one of those people "without a drop of water in them" (as Garrison Keillor says), still, I felt the familiar prickle behind my eyes, and I know my voice went a little wavery. I don't always know what's going to affect me, sometimes....I managed to control it but yeah, I sometimes have a hard time with the idea that we haven't gone so bad yet as to be irredeemable. Because it seems there's a frightening lot of bad in the world.)

3. Figuratively sticking my fingers in my ears and focusing instead on making delicious food for people I care about, and knitting, and re-reading A Christmas Carol and watching sappy movies on Hallmark Channel and going to the toy section and looking around every time I am in a store that has a toy section. Because I'm done. I feel kind of....detached....at this point. It's hard for me to even be horrified right now. On the one hand, it feels irresponsible to me to sit around and think about cartoons and knitting and shopping and all of that, but on the other.....I can't do otherwise right now.