I'm just tired

This is going to be whiny and ranty. I graded two exams today and I suspect the "security" on one had been breached because there were a couple cases of wrong answers that were suspiciously alike, and also, there were cases of *awfully* high grades. I don't have any concrete evidence, but I have suspicions.

And I'm unhappy about that. I hate being a cheating cop. I hate having to think in ways I don't normally think (I was raised to be scrupulously honest) so that I can guard the integrity of testing. And I'm unhappy to think I may be unleashing someone on the world who isn't genuinely qualified but *looks* like they are, and if that person screws up in their career, maybe it reflects back on me. And I'm unhappy that this is pretty much ALL I have in my life right now, my job, and sometimes it feels like nothing I'm doing is helping anything or changing anything.

I'm also unhappy because of some less-than-positive interactions today. I freaking HATE having to be such a consummate diplomat all the time, to constantly play off and balance "not hurting the person's feelings" vs. coping with the fact that the person often flakes on things, or is often rude themselves, or whatever. I mean, I like peace and I like not causing waves so I tend to play the diplomat but jiminy crickets, I get tired of it. I get tired of swallowing my own feelings on a matter in the interest of not upsetting other people, I get tired of how all my childhood and youth I was told to get over whatever hurt feelings I had, and now other grown-butt adults are allowed to throw tantrums because....I don't know.

Being a diplomat tires me out because it's against my nature. Always swallowing disappointment, going "yeah, I'll do it" even when it's not my responsibility, putting aside what I want to do because of what needs to be done. And yeah, I know, that's absolutely the definition of being an adult, and I am an adult - but I get tired. I get tired of students griping at me about how "unfair" it is to have a comprehensive final (and I learned last week that apparently a lot of faculty in other departments DON'T GIVE FINALS AT ALL, despite the fact that we are SUPPOSED to - and that's another thing I'm tired of, always doing what I am SUPPOSED to do, and then finding out a lot of people don't do what they're supposed to do because it makes their life easier, and they NEVER hear any criticism for breaking the rules). I get tired of people e-mailing me and griping me out for not boosting the 67% they earned for a 70% because....well, take your pick - because scholarship. Or because eligibility for a team. Or because graduate/professional school. And my feeling is: it's not my fault you earned a 67%, and in a lot of cases those few missing percentage points are the result of some assignment or assignments somewhere being skipped.

And I get tired of being asked to pony up for a "door prize gift" at a party I wasn't able to attend (even if I wanted to). And I get tired of being solicited to spend some of my disposable income (which has neither seen a raise nor a Christmas bonus) on some workplace-chosen charity, when I have already made my plans for giving what I can give with places I think do a good job.

And yeah, yeah, I know you can say all of that makes me the "bigger" person, because I don't chew someone out for some stupid little thing, or I smile ruefully and deal with whatever monkey that is not actually part of my circus, or whatever. But I'm already a big enough person, I think.

I'm just tired. Tired of it all. Tired of people. Tired of hunching over my desk in a cold office because the boiler isn't working right yet. Tired of smiling and swallowing my disappointment over so many things. Tired of thinking so hard about how I phrase things with certain people, tired of walking on eggshells. Tired of having aching shoulders and lousy teeth and high blood pressure and just everything.

I'll probably be better tomorrow, but for tonight, I'm just TIRED.