Done with exams

So at least there's that. Today I go in and figure up grades and maybe work some on my ongoing research.

I don't have a LOT of difficult people in my life, but the few I have have trained me, and also a childhood history of some random kid saying "I won't be your friend if you...." (or "...if you don't...") and while I never did anything very stupid (I never let anyone copy off me in school, that was a pretty big line in the sand), still, I did spend a lot of my young life fearful of doing or saying the wrong things and losing friends. (And yeah, I know: they weren't really my friends. But it felt like I had so few that I was willing to hand over a much-treasured pencil or always play the game they wanted).

Also, some years back there was a case of someone in a group I was the head of, and the person said to me, "I don't want any major group responsibilities in the coming year" and I was like, "Okay, noted" and I didn't give her any responsibilities. And then, later on, ANOTHER person told me, "Her feelings are hurt because you didn't try to give her any responsibilities" and that just broke my brain. Because if I say "I don't want any major group responsibilities" and the person says "okay" and then doesn't try to give me any - I am relieved. I'm not gonna say one thing and really mean "I want you to coax me and stroke my ego by trying to get me to take on something." If I say "I don't want responsibilities" what I mean is "I've got enough stuff going on right now so please let me off the hook." And I have a really hard time when people say one thing and mean another because I am too literal-minded to be able to understand and it breaks my brain.

And the situation yesterday was a little bit like that.

And yes, I understand that that person's feelings are not my responsibility and it is not on me to understand all the silly games that people play, but I don't like dealing with hurt feelings when it was NOT MY FAULT but there still seems to be an expectation I soothe those hurt feelings. (And yeah, I guess I'm not forceful enough to say "Hey, you said THIS. You don't get to act like you said THAT and I ignored you.")

I think part of it is this has just been an awful fall, with lots of insecurity locally and in the larger world, and I'm still bracing for some kind of bad news about the spring semester - either having to cover a couple more labs for no extra pay, or there being pay cuts looming, or something.

And my bursitis is acting up. And I awakened at 4:30 this morning despite not having to get up at any set time - my jaw shifted and made a crackling noise* and my dreaming brain decided to turn it into - in the context of the dream - my breaking another tooth, and I INSTANTLY woke up and started checking my teeth. Everything is fine and I think it was my jaw shifting that I heard, but still.

The dream also included other unhappy elements: (1) I had too many things I was trying to do and was taking criticism for not devoting my FULL attention to whatever my critic thought was the most important thing and (2) an old friend happened to walk past me somewhere and didn't even acknowledge me, and said to the person she was with, "I don't see anyone I know here" while looking right at me.

Stupid brain.

(*I may be starting with mild TMJ and that displeases me greatly)