figured it out

Well, partially.

I think part of my frustrations is that I DO have a lot of responsibilities where I have to make decisions, I am the one "in charge" and if I make a "bad" decision, it negatively affects others.

Simple example: We were supposed to get thunderstorms today. And after that, high winds (gusting up to maybe 40 mph). That concerned me slightly in re: lab, because today's lab was to have been a field lab in the woods, and I don't want to go out into the forest and maybe have a limb come down on someone's head. And I don't want to drive a 15 passenger van on a north-south road (much of the route to the site) with a strong west wind.

So, I wondered, do I cancel? Do I gamble that next week - the last week we can do it - will be better?

At 10 am, when I had to decide, the sky was dark, it was windy, so I said, "Okay, no lab this week."

Now the dang sun is back out, mocking me, and the air is fairly still. I'm gonna feel like an idiot if it's pouring rain next week and we can't go while it was okay this afternoon. And it's not like when I was a TA, when I could appeal to the prof for guidance. Most of the decisions I make are 100% on me and that gets really tiring and frustrating.

Also, one of the meetings tonight involves scheduling people to do a task. Often, there isn't everyone present at the meeting. I do my best to schedule but there are a few people who either (a) have lives that take them away from town often enough or (b) they forget to show up and I'm left filling in for them, or at the very least, worrying terribly until they show up. And again, that kind of thing, that feeling like, "I am running this part of the show and if it fails it is my fault it fails" that gets to me.

I wish I could learn to care less about stuff. I've said before I hate having any kind of power because I wind up worrying if I am doing the "right" thing for the largest number of people. (And often the "right" thing is "not the thing I want")

I dunno. I like my independence but I hate feeling like so many of the decisions I make are 100% on me and that if things don't go perfectly, it's my fault for not being wiser.