Thursday, February 05, 2015

And slogging on

Today is my longest (and most difficult) teaching day of the week. (And I have the class again where I had to call people out for passing notes, so I'm not exactly *eager* to walk into that classroom).

I also have AAUW tonight, and I had the moment-of-horror this morning: "Wait, isn't February my month to provide desserts?" And then I decided: well, if it is, they will have to make do with some kind of frozen goodie from the wal-mart (it carries a few marginally-luxurious frozen dessert items, like chocolate lava cakes. They're EXPENSIVE, especially for a group that could number more than 20, but...)

Turns out I'm not, which is a huge relief, but that's like one of my nightmares: that I forget I had agreed to do something until the last minute and have to scramble and what I do isn't up to my usual standards.

I'm also thinking about something that someone said to me in passing when he and I were working on a thing. About the fact that I've had the same job for 15 years, been at the same church 15 years.....that really, little in my life has changed. And he remarked, "You seem like a very steady person." And I'm sure it was meant in the best possible way, as a compliment. But once again, I feel tired that that seems to be my outstanding characteristic. Because it's so BORING. (And once again I ask:  If this is my "special talent," what would a cutie mark for responsibility look like?)

Sometimes I wish I were the creative one. Or the good singer. Or the athlete. Or more comfortable taking risks. Or something else. I don't know why. I know that it's valuable to be able to count on someone to get stuff done, and that there are a lot of people who aren't reliable....but it's kind of an awful thing to be known for, I think. If we're talking Hollywood stereotypes, instead of the "fun dame" or the "manic pixie dream girl," I'm the spinster schoolmarm who disapproves of everything.

I know, I know: the grass always looks greener and all that, and I also find myself thinking of the old line from the Wizard of Oz (which doesn't quite fit here, but still): "I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own backyard; because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with."

Yeah, that really doesn't fit. I don't know why I put it in there. But I don't know. I don't know what I want. I can't change who I am, not at this point in my life. I suppose what it is is that I'm kind of discouraged, between in-class difficulties and this manuscript not looking as good as I thought it would a while back and other stuff rumbling around under the surface (that cheap gas we've all been enjoying? Is probably going to mean budget cuts for us). And as work is such a big part of my life, when work isn't happy, I'm not happy.

Also, the fact that I get a few rows knit or crocheted in an evening and that's it....and nothing seems to get finished....and I look at all my yarn and fabric and go, "I'm never going to be able to use this up" and I wonder if I should just start giving about 80% of it away.....

I don't believe in reincarnation, but if it existed, next time I want to be someone more fun. And less worried about making sure everything is just so.


Kucki68 said...

Hi Erica,

as I was reading this (and I totally get the "am I boring" thoughts, been there, likely to come back at some point) I thought, but she is doing so many creative things: playing the piano, enjoying the ponies and crafting her fandom, knitting, patchwork.... To me all these things might not be Van Gogh, but they are also not paint by number. I think of them (and I knit and do patchwork, too) more as the Bob Ross world of art. You dab a little blue there, a little green there by his guidance and then you have your painting. (Not that I have actually tried this yet, painting and drawing is really not my strong side, apart from when we did perspective.) And I admire your commitment to your church and your job.

Lynn said...

You are fun. You just need to let your fun self go out in public more often. It might be extremely hard the first time but, like anything else you might do that's new, it will get easier the more you do it.

Kucki68 said...

“Imaginary evil is romantic and varied; real evil is gloomy, monotonous, barren, boring. Imaginary good is boring; real good is always new, marvelous, intoxicating.”

- Simone Weil, Gravity and Grace