Friday, June 13, 2014

Another thing finished

I actually finished this over break, but it took me a while to getting around to photographing it.

finished mizzle

Mizzle. I decided not to overdye it or do any of those other drastic measures, because in the end, it came out a little "stripey" rather than "One weird chunk that's a different color" so it looks more intentional and less "I forgot about alternating hand-dyed skeins every other row" (which is a pain in the neck to do anyway.)

wearing mizzle

I made it larger (following the pattern instructions for increasing its size. Towards the end, after the last set of increases, it gets really really huge and every row takes a very long time to complete.)

I made the edging narrower than what the pattern suggested by a good bit, as I was running short on yarn. This size of a shawl took almost every bit of 2 skeins of Dream in Color's "Smooshy." If I were going to make it again and do it as a large shawl, I'd get three 400-yard skeins of sockyarn. (And I'd probably use a commercial dyer's yarn, where there is less intra-dye-lot variability.)

mizzle back

Still, I like it, and I'm happier with how it turned out than I thought I would be.

And one other thing, an "ugh." I am part of what is called the pastor-parish relations group at my church (I have to be on it; the head elder is on it and I became the head elder after my friend's illness made it necessary for her to step down).

This is a group that only meets when there's some kind of problem or complaint or issue.

I really don't like that. I don't deal well with conflict even when it's conflict that I am only a third party to. (In fact, in some ways, seeing people I care about arguing seems worse to me than being in the argument itself). Some....things....about money were said at the last board meeting and I'm wondering if that's the source of the complaint; the meeting seems to have been called on short notice. I have no idea what precipitated the meeting but I have a guess, as I said.

I hate this. I'm going to be dreading it all weekend long. As I said, there's really no chance it's just a "okay, it's time for us to check in and see how things are going" meeting.

I HATE conflict. I hate it when people want to take action against someone who disagrees with them. I hate how hard it is for us to figure out what differences of opinion are just that, and therefore tolerable, and what differences of opinion are deal-breakers.  I hate how we're in such a precarious position - I feel like if things go just a little worse financially, or if our interim minister decides to leave, or whatever, that we're done for and I'll be seeking a new church and I'm so not ready for that. And I know, I know, I have to have faith that if we're meant to keep going we will find a way but sometimes I wonder if we ARE meant to keep going, or if the message is that it's time to dissolve and for us to scatter. And it's sad and it's horrible because, as I commented a while back, church is one place where I get my emotional needs met - some weeks, the only place. (As much as I enjoy my work on good days, in the summer it's (a) exhausting and (b) very few of my colleagues are around so I feel like I'm going it alone).

It's been kind of an emotional roller coaster these past few years. It seems like I feel like things are straightening out, and maybe stuff is starting to go better, and then we get hit with something else. I guess surviving 10+ years after the congregational split is pretty much a success (the church declined by something like half its membership, and most of the ones left were older people), but still. We always struggle. There's always a problem.

I wish the split had never happened. Looking back on it, I think people on both sides were kind of wrong. I didn't know enough of what was going on to say that one side or the other was more wrong, but I think things were said and done on both sides that led to misunderstandings and hurts and complaints and finally a decision that we could no longer work together. Both churches that came out of the split are struggling (actually, apparently, the "new group" split once again, recently). No, I don't think there's a chance of any kind of reconciliation, not after 10 years, not after what happened, not after the separate paths we've gone down.

Being a human is hard and painful sometimes. Even among people that you would hope, because of their background and what they are learning, would be "better" somehow.

And it's such a nasty paradox: I need relationship with other people, and yet other people can be so blasted DIFFICULT and contrary. Some days I just throw up my hands and say that I'm done with people, that I'm going to take the first research post I can find in some distant location that involves me living in a cabin 80 miles away from the nearest human and only communicating via Internet.  But then when I spend too much time alone here, I get sad and twitchy and I know that being alone 24/7 would be bad for me.

ETA. I think I need to do this

Or maybe this, considering the large number of amigurumi ponies I keep as "pet substitutes" (standard disclaimer: I do not have a pet because of allergies, and also because I'm not home enough during the day to walk a dog or give a cat the attention it really needs)


Dangit. I wish I were one of those "successful" bloggers. You know. The kind who can paint a pretty picture of their lives - they have lovely kids, they are super-good at their work, their hobby projects always turn out lovely and just as they planned them, they never seem to struggle or agonize. All their pictures are nice and none of them turn out to have a bit of the laundry basket peeking out in the corner of the picture of something else. When they bake bread, it looks like a picture in a cooking magazine. But I don't have enough perfection in my life to be able to do that - it seems like my whole life is a big hot mess, and so all I can do is show the slightly-more-successful parts of the hot mess here. Maybe if I had a spouse or family close by or lots of close in-person friends I could talk about the stuff that bothers me instead of posting it here, I could be one of those serene bloggers who seems to have a perfect life. I don't know.


purlewe said...

Your shawl looks gorgeous. and it looks like a nice size to wear.. which is always something I struggle with for some shawls. CONGRATS!

I am sorry you have some church turmoil in your life that never seems to settle. I completely understand. And I wish there was a magic wand to make it better.

Last I want you to know that those bloggers with perfect lives? They are heavily editing their life. They couldn't have such a perfect life in reality. And there has been some discussion with other bloggers that showing only the "perfect" things sets others up for disappointment and sadness. It isn't as if they are lying, it is simply that they are editing their life as a window display. It is hard to remember that because they always look so perfect. It is hard on people who feel like they need to beat themselves up because their lives aren't as perfect. You are fine. Your life is fine. And I don't mind reading about all of it here. (kick myself to remind myself to start my blog up again. It has been 6 months)

Charlotte said...

You might want to keep in mind that those "perfect" bloggers could be doing a heavy edit on their lives or that they are simply lying about things. Your honest blog posts are a reflection of how life is for most of us.

Jess said...

There are no "perfect" bloggers. Those that appears so, probably have smelly feet and ugly toes.

Anonymous said...

A lot of people lie online about who they are. A lot. Because they want to impress someone else. Don't feel like you're less than them.