I give up

So, I had an appointment this afternoon to get my new computer set up. Appointment was at 2. I went home at 1:30 ("in case they were early" but I am fast learning I am the ONLY person EVER ANYMORE who is EVER early for ANYTHING).

Waited around. Practiced piano a little. Cleaned some stuff up. Put a load of laundry in. Waited some more.

At 10 minutes of 3, a call comes: "Uh, things got a little hectic and your file transfer is taking longer than we expected. Can we reschedule for tomorrow?"

Tomorrow I have class until 3, and then I have piano lesson until 4.
Thursday I am in class all day, PLUS I go to see the tax lady at 4, PLUS I have AAUW.

So NO. The next day "reschedule" works is for Friday. (I COULD have had them come out Thursday morning, I suppose, but I'll be d....d if I cancel my office hours)

I'm furious. Yes, I get it's maybe "beyond their control" but could they not have called at 2? I could have been doing work up here during that hour. (It's too late now, and I'm too upset, to feel like doing the research I would have worked on).

On the one hand: I've waited over two months for this computer so two more days shouldn't matter.

On the other hand: I've waited OVER TWO MONTHS for this computer. So two more days does kind of matter.

Also, my office box is still running XP and with our new skeletonized campus IT crew, I don't anticipate getting a new computer any time soon. So when the XPocalypse happens, and XP boxes become much more prone to getting viruses and other kinds of bit-rot, I can't count on it any more. And if I don't have a computer at home.....well, I'll have to go and work in one of the campus computer labs, which is VERY BAD for exam security when writing an exam. 

Friday I WAS planning on going to the natural foods store. Oh well. Another week of eating crappy stepped-on produce from the Voldemart, I guess.

This is why I have such a hard time asking anyone for help and this is why I have such a hard time ever delegating: stuff ALWAYS comes up that means I don't get the help, or I wind up waiting longer, or I get brushed off or put off. Or when someone offers to do volunteer work, they don't show, and then tell me they were "tired" or "something else came up."

I'm ALWAYS tired.

I frequently put off things I would LIKE to do for things I feel I HAVE to do.

I also....I hate to say this, but, sometimes I wonder if because I'm a single woman, my requests get made not-a-priority. That if I were a guy, or if I had a husband to step in for me, it would be. (Edited to add: it could also be that I'm too nice, that I don't flip out and rage at people. I mean, it's sad that flipping out and raging at people often gets you what you want, it should be otherwise, but I think sometimes the "nice" people get pushed to the back of the line BECAUSE they won't flip out and rage)

I don't know. I'm just angry and fed up and tired of being jerked around and tired of always being the person who gets stuff done not just on time but EARLY, and then when I have to count on someone, I can't.


I'm just really unhappy and upset right now. I was looking forward to having  the new computer, to being able to post from home, being able to write my Sunday school lessons at home. I now believe I will NEVER have that computer, as irrational as that may be - the shop will burn down, or an asteroid will hit it, or something will happen and I'll  be out of luck once again.

I am so tired of being patient, so tired of saying, "Oh.....that's okay, I guess" to people when I really want to scream at them. I am so tired of situations when you hire someone to do something and you wind up waiting forever with no notification of when they're going to come. I'm tired of people assuming I can just take time off work whenever I want to. It doesn't work that way for a lot of people!

And, I know: "Don't let it bother you." How do I do that? It's not part of my personality make up. I don't LIKE spending my time sitting around waiting for someone else with no word and no ETA. I don't know if it's worse for my blood pressure to bite off what I might want to say, or to let myself get angry and stomp around and yell (alone, in the privacy of my own home). I wish I could get to the point where I didn't care, where being told, "Yeah, you're going to have to wait a bunch longer" didn't bother me, but I'm not there yet. I wish I could get to the point where someone volunteering to do something and then not showing up didn't make me feel like people were seeing ME, as the organizer, as the failure, but I do. (Or maybe that's what I need, perversely: for people to begin seeing me as a disorganized failure because then they won't pressure me to do so much).

I don't know. Adulting is haaaaaaarrrrrrddddd. I'm so sick of disappointment but it often seems to be the most reliable thing in my life. (Maybe that's the key: to learn never to expect anything BUT disappointment)