figured something out

There is a person in my life right now (not a person I am related to, thank goodness) that I have problems with. Sometimes when you talk to this person, they are almost syrupy sweet, other times they can be very sharp and sour, and still other times, they will say things that sound nice at first but then you begin to wonder if it wasn't a backhanded compliment - it SOUNDS like a compliment but is really a put-down.

And I figured out my difficulty with this person. They're inconsistent. I don't know how they are going to react on any given day I speak to them; it does not seem to be anything I am saying or about the topics we are talking about.

I find inconsistency in people confusing and frustrating. On the one hand, I realize it's probably not about me - the person is probably like that with everyone (and actually, now I think about it, a couple other people have mentioned something similar, that this person seems to turn on a dime in how they treat them). But on the other hand, I really dislike being blindsided by trying to discuss something normally with someone and have them go all snarky on me. I admit it; I'm sensitive enough sometimes that that upsets me and puts me "off my game" (and I think that's part of my frustration; there's a power-relationship involved and until I realized "this person is probably like this with everyone" I felt like "they are doing this to me to unsettle me")

The thing that really gets me are the backhanded compliment type of things. If I'm displeased with someone, I will either avoid them until I know I am calm enough to either just forgive them and pretend the displeasing incident never happened, or until I am calm enough to go to them and say, "Hey, that thing you said? You might not realize it but that kind of hurt my feelings and I'd like a little more explanation because I really want to believe that that was not what you intended to do." And in most cases, the person is like, "Oh, wow, my bad. What I really meant was...." and it's something totally innocent. One thing I've learned is with people who are fundamentally friends, 90% of the time (or more) when something hurtful is said, either the person was communicating really badly (or they made a joke and it backfired and I didn't get it), or they were hurting themselves and kind of lashed out. (I do that sometimes. I try not to, and if I catch myself doing it, I will stop and apologize, and go "I'm having a crap day. I shouldn't have said that to you that way, the way I feel is not your fault.")

Because really, I want to like most people. Honestly, of the people I have in my life right now, I can count the number of people I would say I disliked even mildly on one hand - and have fingers left over.

Oh, I CLAIM to "dislike" or even, when I'm upset, "hate" people (I mean, "people" in general), but really, that is shorthand for "people disappoint me sometimes; sometimes they behave in frustrating or selfish ways and I do not like that because I want to think well of them."

But I find it really hard to deal with unpredictable people, where I could say something that was innocent or pleasant and have them either go off on me or act like I'm an idiot. (Because of the nature of our interactions and our "relationship," I do not feel like I can "call" the person on their behavior like I would a good friend or even a close colleague) I don't know what to do then. I suppose "grow a thicker skin" is the answer, and while my skin is thicker than it was 20 years ago, it's probably going to take a good long time for it to get still thicker. I mean, realizing it's not aimed at me, it's not done intentionally to upset or discombobulate me helps, but still - when someone snarls at your friendly overture, it's hard to know what to say next; because of the differences-in-status implied, I can't just go "Well, forget you very much then" and walk off (and that would only be escalating things) or even say "I'm leaving because you're upset right now." (Heh: "Eat a Snickers." "Why?" "Because you're a mercurial jerk when you're hungry...")

So I don't know. I wish I were better at not-reacting, and I really try to be, but I also recognize that it's something I'm not perfect at.