A big part of this is I dislike change, and I especially dislike UNCERTAINTY. Some of my distress earlier this semester (related to changes coming, and possibly still coming, in how we teach) were related to uncertainty - that we were told that there was this big change coming, like, yesterday, and we couldn't do anything about it and it didn't matter if we disliked it or if it was bad for our students, we'd just have to suck it up and do it, because someone more important than us thought it was a good idea. That (mostly) went away when the next freak-out occurred. (We are up for accreditation renewal in another year or so. So we are getting the freak-out of the week right now, and I'm trying really hard not to get sucked in after getting sucked on the first one and then finding it came to almost nothing, and that the information was communicated really poorly to my chair and she didn't have all the information)
But yeah: uncertainty is not fun for someone with a brain wired like mine. I'd even argue it was painful.
I won't likely know until fall if my teacher will still be able to teach - she won't have a studio any more, but may be able to come to people's houses for lessons. Maybe. If she has other work here in town.
What's frustrating (and I'm sure is even worse for her) is that this is all due to economic issues - the cost of renting a studio, the fact that some families can't/don't want to pay for lessons, the fact that her hours at her main job were cut, and on, and on....it's not the same as, "I've decided it's time for me to retire," it's more "I can't do it any more because of economic pressures" and that bugs me. That someone who has a skill and talent in this area is apparently having to go do something else that isn't as fun and doesn't use their skills as well, just to make ends meet.
(I'm sure this is also related to fears I have that economic uncertainty could hit me and make my life have to change big-time; there was a school in Louisiana that apparently fired their entire (tenured) French department, and while they've been censured and are being sued over it - still, I really wouldn't want to have to contemplate a forced career change at this point)
I've decided not to try to look for someone over the summer (normally, in the past, she taught summers) and just keep practicing on my own. Keep the options open for fall; if she still can teach, work with her, if not....I don't know. Right now I don't have the emotional energy to "interview" new potential teachers so the thought of having to do that, even if it were someone I already kind of knew, just is more than I can deal with.
Maybe I take six months or so off, maybe I find a new teacher in January if I have to. I don't know. (I wish I DID know. I wish things were settled. I really don't deal well with uncertainty.)
And heck, who knows, maybe everything will change again.
Sigh. I was thinking last night, "I would love to have someone willing to be Johann Sebastian to my Anna Magdalena" (Yes, I might even be willing to be a stepmother if it came down to a situation that literally paralleled it).
***
Well, we didn't get a frost, but I did scramble around last night and find enough buckets and plastic pots to put over the tomato plants. And I covered the bean plants with a sheet. I figured - they're tougher, and also, they're smaller. (And there are more of them). It looks like everything made it okay (I uncovered the stuff before leaving for campus this morning) but I kind of hope that's the last time I have to do that this spring.
I'm also playing with the idea of trying watermelons once again. Yes, I was burned twice on that, once by borers, once by a melon that never got larger than a marble, but hope kind of springs eternal.
And I need to replace a bunch of the herb plants, if I'm going to replace them. A lot of them bit the dust last summer when I wasn't doing much gardening because of the hives.
Of course, WHEN is the big question here; I have to finish the last bits on that grant proposal and get it in. And I have grading to do. And another exam to write. And finals to write. And research to do....
***
I don't know if it's too soon to express any hope or not, but all of the medical websites about chronic hives talk about how they sometimes "stop as mysteriously as they start." It's been, I think, four days since I had any hives. I would really welcome them just going into remission for a while. (The medications I'm on slow them down, but don't totally stop them). Of course, it could be that it's been cooler than it was. Or it could be that something temporarily stopped shedding pollen. Or it could be that I haven't eaten any strawberries for a while. (The last bad breakout of them I had coincided with two things: a couple of hot, humid days and my having eaten a large bowl of strawberries at dinner the night before. I'm almost afraid to try strawberries again....but will be sad if that's yet another thing I cannot eat. (Bring on the Purina People Chow....))
***
Possibly another part of the distress stems from the fact that I've been doing the "You just have to power through THIS and then you can relax" thing for a while, but it seems like every time I successfully power through something, there's something ELSE that needs to be done. ("Thank you, Mario! But our princess is in another castle.")
I'm wondering if this isn't one of those other Big Lies about adulthood - that your free time really actually is in another castle.
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