You've been forewarned by the title.
I lost it this afternoon in the nurse's office. I had gone over for my allergy immunotherapy. Before that, I had taught a full day (including a field lab), gone to the grocery store (the nurse was busy when I first got out of lab). I had waited maybe 20 minutes for her to finish up with a student before I got called back. And when I mentioned the beta blocker, her eyes got big, she put down the syringe, and said, "I have to find out from your allergist if this is okay. In some cases beta blockers and allergy immunotherapy together lead to bad reactions."
So she ran off to call. But the office had closed for the day. So I sat there for however long it was (20 minutes plus the time in her office) for nothing. I mean, I guess it's good I told her, but.
Then I realized: what if the allergist determines it IS dangerous? So I have to go back to having bad allergies all the time, or having uncontrolled high blood pressure? Because I'll have to take the allergies.
And then I told her about the blood testing, by way of asking if she knew whether I take my meds before or after. (Before is fine, it turns out). And then it just all came out: I'm scared. I'm scared that the kidney-proteins test will find something very bad, and that's what's causing my hypertension. And that instead of doctors saying, "Well, you'll probably live somewhere over 90, like your grandparents on your mom's side" they'll say "Well, you probably have eight good years left, maybe fifteen, if we can find a kidney donor."
I realize that's unlikely but I'm still afraid.
And I'm afraid - perhaps more realistically - that the panel that includes blood glucose and A1C (if she's even ordered that, I can't tell from the orders) will show that I'm either borderline or full-blown type II diabetic, and then will have to take YET ANOTHER new medication, and will have to ALSO cut carbohydrates mostly out of my diet. (And if my kidneys are at all compromised, there goes protein.)
That's probably not a tremendously reasonable fear.. I have no symptoms.Though then again, my father is borderline type II (then again, he is far more sedentary than I). And it seems I've been told - or at least the current medical propaganda I've heard - is that lots and lots of people have this and "don't even know it." And of course all the propaganda that says if you are even 10 pounds overweight, you probably have it, or if you don't, you're gonna get it, and soon
And the other thing. All the adjustments. The no-allergy-shot thing killed me because it's like, EVERYTHING is having to change because of this damned hypertension. It's not enough I have to take my blood pressure when I rise (which means getting up 15 minutes EARLIER than I had been) and some time in the evening, and take more damn pills, and read every freakin' label in the grocery store (it took me longer than usual to shop, because I was looking to buy only things with 120 mg or less of sodium per serving). And if I have to do that for carbohydrates and proteins as well....Well, I just give up. I GIVE UP. Give me the human equivalent of Science k/d, low-sodium, diabetic food, and I'll just live on some kind of People Chow for the rest of my (probably shortened) life.
It's like, universe, what more are you going to take away from me - or make me start adding in as another task? How long before I just break totally?
And I guess I'm supposed to tell the dentist I'm on beta blockers. Because some dental procedures are somehow less safe.
And I'm kind of mourning the loss of freedom this carries - that need to read the labels more closely in the grocery. And the loss of the ability to just pop in to the Olive Garden or somewhere when I'm out shopping and want a fast meal I didn't have to cook. And it's the end of me going out to lunch with the ladies from church, unless we can go somewhere where I can get a salad with oil and vinegar dressing. (And why would I pay $7 for a salad like that when I can make it for less than 1/3 the price at home? And restaurants tend to frown on you carrying your salad in in a string bag, like Mr. Alderman Ptolemy Tortoise).
And mourning the loss of cooking freely, of not worrying if the stock I want to use is too high in sodium. Of being able to open and use a can of beans. (I've tried the low-sodium canned beans. I can't stand the way they taste. So I guess it's back to always cooking my own, or doing without if I don't have time to cook them first).
And it's a combo platter of frustration of having to add another checklist to my life, and of feeling now like I'm measuring my life out in coffee spoons and having to give stuff up. (Damn. I have two unopened bars of the Sea Salt chocolate I like. I guess I take it in to my department and see who wants it.) And also the huge fear that either there's something terribly wrong, like, "you're going to be dead in 10 years" wrong with me, or that I have a multitude of other health issues that cause even MORE restrictions on what I do....and I just sat down and cried for a few minutes.
Not very long; she was busy and had other people to attend to. But it's only been three days, really, and I'm so sick of being hypertensive and all the changes and adjustments I have to make. And if the changes don't work, then what? What if my blood pressure won't come down?
And then I think of people who have real major problems and I feel guilty about feeling bad. And I know on some level I'm "awfulizing" because that's what I do....and maybe I'm going overboard on the MUST LIMIT SODIUM thing.....I tend to over-interpret, the doctor only suggested that pre-made things like frozen dinners maybe should be off limits, but I'm hearing it as "eat as little sodium as humanly possible....or, better, even less."
But you know? This really, really sucks. And I'm so tired of being a grown-up about it. And I'm only three days in. And when I took my blood pressure this afternoon, it was higher again. Not markedly higher, but higher than it was this morning.