Better, not perfect

Thanks, all.

I think part of the problem is just the time of the semester - this is when everything goes into full-tilt boogie mode, everything is happening at once (why on EARTH do they schedule colloquium talks NOW instead of early in the semester when no one is busy?). And I make a mental list of what I need to do in the next three weeks and suddenly I hit mental deadlock because there are too many processes running at once and I just get overwhelmed.

(And there's really no equivalent of "Control-alt-delete" for the human brain)

It happened when I got home yesterday. I had to sort the laundry to start the laundry, I had to empty the dehumidifier, and I had a phone message to retrieve. And that was just too many things at once and it was like a breaker tripped in my brain and I just stood there for a couple minutes, unable to decide what to do first. (Finally I did - retrieved the phone message - which was just one of those scammy "We can lower your credit card interest rate for you!" Uh-huh. What about someone who pays them off in full each month?) and then emptied the dehumidifier, and then attacked the laundry.

I did sit down and do SOME of the grading I had to do, and then I did 20 minutes more of piano practice. And then I decided "I can at least clean the stove and clean up the counters in the kitchen." And as often happens with cleaning, I got into a groove and kept going. It's not perfect, I didn't clean ALL THE THINGS (for example, I didn't scrub the tub - but then, it wasn't that bad looking, the worst thing is there is a bit of soap scum - nor did I get rid of most of the clutter in the guest room). But it's better now, and that makes me feel a lot better. (I think it's that I get this idea, deep in my brain, "What if someone stops by on short notice?" I almost - but didn't - make a joke at the last CWF meeting when the idea of people going to visit people who hadn't been in church for a couple weeks in a row, just to see if everything was all right, I almost said, "Heh, the threat of having to have my house clean in case someone came to visit me would be enough to keep me attending church regularly" but I didn't)  But that is very much one of my "issues" and I own that it is: somehow, the thought of someone coming over to my house unexpectedly and seeing leaves tracked in on the floor (as is often the case in the fall) or dust on the piano makes me twitch. I suppose it's because I feel like someone seeing my house messy (well, it's always kind of cluttered, but messy - dust and crud on the floor and lots of unsorted mail around) is proof to them that I don't have my act together adequately.

I know a lot of people talk about being like a duck - looking calm and placid on the surface but paddling like mad underneath to keep up. These days, I feel like my life is more like the Red Queen from Alice's Adventures through the Looking Glass: have to run constantly in order to stay in the same place.

So I wound up finishing my bit of piano practice after 9 pm last night (9 pm is my usual bedtime these days), but at least my house is cleaner now.