I SUPPOSE this is allergies. I don't know. But I'm getting to one of those points where everything - even the stupid e-mails from charities I've given to in the past asking for a donation again - gets to me.
(Edited to add: this must be allergies. Or something. A student just called me to let me know he likely was going to have to be gone tomorrow, a family member of his had a major heart attack. This is someone I believe, this isn't one of those "Yeah....my grandma died. I know, again, isn't it weird?" kind of people. I told him to go, it was more important he be there with his family member and that anything due on Friday could be handed in next week. And I almost cried as I hung up the phone, partly for the student going through this, partly that I've kind of sort of been there to a lesser degree. Everything is so broken, life is so complicated for people.)
Edited early afternoon to add: You know what? Forget it. I'm not going to try to give blood, I don't feel "generally healthy" like they ask you (and I'm wearing a dress with a high proportion of white in the print, so if they were to stick me badly and make me bleed all over myself, like they did once before - bye bye dress). I might also skip the talks....I do have a fair amount of grading to do and will do more tomorrow. I think I can justifiably say that "I was getting over an allergy attack and didn't feel up to it" (On college campuses, they don't generally understand the concept of profs needing mental-health time, which I find I need in increasing amounts.)
It gets to me because on one hand, I feel like little bits of me are being pulled off until I have nothing left for myself, but on the other hand I feel bad when I don't do more.
Part of it is there are two talks on campus this afternoon, both by colleagues of mine. One is at 4, the other is at 5. Which means if I went, I'd be getting home at 6 pm at the earliest. I feel like I SHOULD go to support them, but....I also have things I should be doing like grading and the laundry. And I can't pull all-nighters to do stuff, I couldn't, even in college.(I'd have one hour to grade after I got out of class at 3. That's not enough to do all the grading I will have by the end of the day)
And there's also a blood drive on campus today. And Saturday is the city trash-off. I'm actually hoping it rains so it will be cancelled and I can stay home. (Last spring's trash off caused the first big flare-up of my hip bursitis and it took nearly a month to figure out what it was, let alone be rid of it. And it's supposed to be borderline-chilly when the thing first starts this year again, and I know having to walk and bend when it's kind of chilly out is what makes the bursitis worse)
(And of course, the hip bursitis makes my inner Jillian Michaels start screaming at me that if I weren't so FAT, I wouldn't GET hip bursitis.)
I don't know. I feel like there are so many things I SHOULD do and I don't FEEL like doing them but then I feel guilty when I contemplate NOT doing them. Part of me grumpily says, "People flake out on stuff all the time. People flake out on YOU quite often." but another part of me says, "But that is not who you are."
I don't know. I'm just really tired and fed up right now. I feel like I'm constantly pressured to do more, and yet - I'm never well-rested. I'm always tired. I want to cry when I think about my quilts and my knitting because I'm not getting ANYTHING done (I'm beginning to worry I won't have my mom's socks finished by her birthday, and while she'd understand....I don't want that to happen)
The other thing is I'm just going through one of those times when I feel like no one "hears" me. When I say something like "I have to scale back on doing stuff because I work full-time" they just go "Find the time" and I'm like "That's not what I mean." But it's like no one gets it. My house is a God awful mess - I haven't cleaned extensively in over a month - I have giant piles of laundry - I have to figure out some time to get to the grocery store.
How do other people manage? I'm so bad at this being-a-grownup thing.
5 comments:
Maybe it's time to say, "I'm sorry, I'm overcommitted. It's someone else's turn to do 'x' now.". (start with bowing out from whatever will give you the biggest sense of relief when you do so. Probably the girls' youth group. Or home visits. The fact that you are single does not mean that you have to dedicate more hours to service than any other member of the community. Unless you would find it fulfilling to do so, which certainly doesn't seem to be the case at the moment). Hope your allergies ease off soon.
There needs to be a memorial for grandmas who die during midterms and finals.
I've had the worst allergies this past week, too, including a cough. It sucks.
I urge you, m'dear, to start defending your time for yourself. It IS valuable. You don't have to be all things to all people. You've done so much!
And tell Jillian to have a donut.
I agree with Joan. It's time to say NO (in a nice way) to some of the requests for your time. Or if you want to be snarky about it, you could say, "When are you coming over to clean my house/do my laundry/cut my grass for me while I do this thing you're asking me to take on?" Frankly, it sounds to me like you need to go home and rest.
It depends on the person. Is the relationship with them important enough to me to explain my life to them?
If not, I smile and say "No. I understand and appreciate that Activity is important to you, but I can't right now." Lather, rinse, repeat.
If so, I know thier life well enough to find a shoe on the other foot explanation. Example: Dear Friend works a schedule vastly different than mine. DF's days off often fall in the middle of my work week.
So she'll call and ask if I can come play. No, gotta work. Can't I just play hookey and hang with her? Pleeeeeeeease???
And the last time she said pleeeeeeeeease, I told her "Sure. You take next weekend off and come play with me, and I'll play hookey your following two weekday breaks."
She said, "I love you, but I don't really want to spend up all my vacation time . . ." and then realized (a) what she was saying and (b) got my point.
So if its people you love and want to keep, then yeah--explain you'd love to help with Project, and if they could come do some of your Necessary Evil Work, you'd have time to give Project the attention it deserves.
Yes, other people have this problem, they just hide it really well. Especially if no one gets to see what their house (or closet, or oven) REALLY looks like.
We are all supposed to be Superwoman and so few of us are. I suppose the key to sanity is to make choices ON PURPOSE of which things to do based on what is important to ME, rather than on what I think others consider important.
Leaving the choices to be made by default, by accident, when you absolutely run out of time or energy is a recipe for unhappiness.
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