Wednesday, September 28, 2011

An irritable mood...

I haz it.

Two things:

first, a colleague totally got me going this morning, he told me, "Oh, hey, didn't you hear that we need to put our vitas and papers and stuff in binders now for the faculty development plan? They want them all pretty and stuff." And I kind of went bonkers for a few moments, like, what ELSE are they going to make us waste our time on.

Turns out he was joking, and I totally fell for it.

(The REALLY sad thing? That's it's become plausible that I would, that that would sound like a plausible directive now.)

Second, we received a rah-rah e-mail the other day containing a statement along the lines of "Ask yourself: what am I going to do BETTER this week than last week?"

And that just makes me despair. Because to me, it implies one of two things:

a. I am not currently doing my best (and therefore, am a slacker and should not have the privilege of having a job) or

b. My best isn't good enough and I have to try even harder.

(And I have real issues with that: wondering if my best is good enough. I know, intellectually, that makes no sense, but I am not a creature of pure logic.)

(I've talked before about my frustration with the DO MORE BETTER FASTER NOW tone that exists in this country: if you're eating five servings of vegetables a day, why not eat eight? Or if you're doing an hour of exercise, why not ninety minutes? Or if you're working a 60 hour week, why not an 80 hour one...And I just want to put my head down on the desk and SOB, because I feel like I'm at the absolute limit of what I CAN do without totally losing my stuff, and yet no one EVER says "attagirl" or "it's good enough," it's always MORE MORE MORE WE WANT MORE)

Each day right now feels like it's a week long. Yesterday I had two meetings - one very sad and dire and that makes me worry I'll have even less free time in the future, and a second that was not nearly so dire but as it was at the end of an already too-long day, it just felt like too much.


I also made a stupid mistake in Biostats this morning and while I corrected it, i still feel bad, because I'm afraid it confused some people. I think I'm getting to the point of needing bifocals; it's getting harder to read the Excel printouts where I work the examples out that I'm going to put on the board. (Or I need better lighting in that classroom; it can be kind of dim up near the board).

I'm not getting much time in to knit these days and I think it shows.

2 comments:

Kim in Oregon said...

Hugs. We just started classes this week so I'm completely freaking out. Hopefully things will calm down.

And the binder thing? I would have fell for that too.

Anonymous said...

About the "Do More!" collective whipping:

I just got a call from a recruiter regarding a job I am perfectly qualified to do and for which she previously encouraged me, praising my portfolio and resume.
She said: "The headhunter decided to pursue other candidates". Then added in the tone of explanation: " It is a tough competition!"

And I felt exactly like you described: I wanted to sob. That last sentence implied that I am not up to their mark. And that my 15 years of excellent work record is not enough. That I don't do "MORE BETTER FASTER"; I am a nobody.