This is not the usual sunny cheerful post. Go ahead and skip it, I will not be offended.

Some years back, there was a show on MTV. I have no idea if it still is or not. It was called "The Real World." It was one of the early "reality" shows (Scare quotes because even when I was watching it as a callow 20-something, I realized there had to be come creative editing going on). The tagline of the show always bothered me: "What happens when people stop being polite and start being 'real'."

It sounded to me like they were saying impoliteness was something to strive for. That to be in a place where you considered the feelings of others was somehow unreal.

And that went against everything I had been taught.

And yet, still I watched it. It was somewhat of a train wreck, it was hard to look away from. I remember one character who apparently made it his goal to offend as many people as possible - until he was kicked off the show.

I do not understand that. I totally do not understand someone being as offensive as possible, then blaming everyone who gets upset with him or her, and saying "That's just how I AM, man, just how I am." And then being upset when people don't want to associate with him or her.

Actions carry consequences.

I have, several times in my life, either been called upon, or taken upon myself, the role of peacemaker. It has never gone well. Usually the two aggrieved parties have wound up turning on me instead. Or I've been "blindsided" by a "surprise" meeting to criticize everything I had done. Or when I and others did what we believed was the best possible thing, one upset person went over our heads and overturned our decision

And yet, somehow, I forget those things, and I keep trying to make the peace between groups of people.

I'm almost to the point now of saying NO MORE. NEVER AGAIN. Where, if I see a problem a-brewing, I will just look at it, shrug, and walk away. No one likes a busybody, even if they are just trying to help. I will just let personal conflicts blow up in the future. If people come to me looking for adjudication, I will shrug and say I am too busy, or that I did that a few times and wound up paying for it, or that they are older than I am (true in some of the cases I've been involved with) and they should know how to fix their own problems.

If I can overcome my own personality to do this. I WANT harmony, darn it. What I want even more though is for people to like me.

I also have a couple of students - well, I have a couple of students who are pretty wonderful and should balance these guys out, but still - I have a couple of students that, every day they are in class (they don't even bother to show up every day), they carry a constant, ongoing, conversation in the back row. I've stopped and stared at them until they shut up. I've spoken to them. I've done everything short of ridiculing them in front of the class (which I cannot bring myself to do) to try to let them know that what they are doing is NOT. COOL.

I realize it's a big world and it takes all kinds to make it, but to me, it feels like it's not too much for me to ask for people to shut up and listen, you know, especially, maybe, when I'm giving instructions of how to do stuff in lab?

I also have the Laptop Brigade now in another class. And the room is configured in such a way that I can't easily walk behind them to see what's on the screens - so I don't know if they're legitimately taking notes, or if they're updating their facebook pages. I admit I'm reaching the point of not caring: if students don't want to pay attention, fine, they can take the D they earn. But on the other hand: when I go to trouble to look stuff up, when I try to find the most up-to-date information on, I don't know, stem cells or something, and a critical mass of the class is "checked out," it just is very discouraging. And when I try to start discussion, I get met with blank looks and silence.

And I tell myself: if you were a better teacher. If you were more interesting, more inspiring. You could get these folks to pay attention. Because that's the storyline we have now: Star Teacher encourages even bored pupils! And by extension: if you can't get everyone in your class interacting and into it, you're not a Star Teacher (and you'd be better off digging coal or something else). And of course, that doesn't help my fears about upcoming peer evaluations, or about the fact that I've really put off applying for Full Professor for too long and I need to do it this fall. (I honestly don't think I deserve it...which is why I keep putting it off).

There's also the issue of the economy. Of my perception (despite what any in the news are saying) is that it's getting worse, and it's going to get much worse before it gets any better. I realize I'm triangulating from only a few small points: one individual giving up a retail business, lots of empty storefronts when I was in McKinney last, rumblings about state economies being a lot worse than they are, more generic products showing up at the grocery, some of the more expensive brands being dropped by the local grocery...and it makes me worry. The big worry is that things will get really scary-bad, that they will wind up having to RIF people at my university, and (as my department is one where people tend to stick around for a long time), as I am actually one of the junior members, I will be one of the ones let go. And literally, if I were to lose my teaching job, I don't know what I would do. I mean, I probably COULD limp along (seeing as the house is paid off and I could drop having cable and cut back in other places) doing something like waiting tables, but I think I lack the temperament for doing so. And if the university cuts back, that means that there will be fewer people eating out...so fewer jobs of that nature.

And yeah, I have the "six months to a year" saved up, but it would scare the daylights out of me to spend money out of my savings with no money coming in.

So there's that worry over my head. That feel, when I'm at work, of the "need to make myself seem indispensible" which has not been going so well this week because I am still kind of sick and worn out. And of course, having people "checked out" in my classes doesn't help that worry.

And then there's the, for lack of a better term, "first world problem" of my fear that all the fun stuff - all the nice and pleasant stuff - all the stuff that makes the daily slog worthwhile - is going to go away, snowed under by the fact that no one feels able to spend the money on it. Seriously? Every e-mail I receive from the local quilt shop, before I open it, I fear it will be a "so long and thanks for all the fish, but we can't turn a profit" e-mail. Or that my favorite magazines will go away (one of them already has...) And while I know a lot of stuff survived the Great Depression, and a lot of stuff became available after it ended...still.

And another issue I am dealing with: at what point does someone's asking for mercy and accommodation because they have various problems become an exploitation of the person they are asking? I have someone I am working with right now who seems to have multiple issues (or at least they've confessed to me). But they've also flaked on a couple things they were supposed to do, to the point where it became difficult for me. I like being nice to people, but there is a point at which I feel I should be permitted to get my own work done in a timely fashion rather than having to mop up repeatedly after someone who doesn't have their stuff together yet.

So, I don't know. Once again I'm treated to watching a few things fall apart around me (and in one case - the person referenced above - it's directly affecting me). My shoulder pain has come back and I find myself wanting to hide in my room and read books about ancient Greece or Rome (when I have to read non-fiction, and can't read fiction, that's a sure sign I'm distressed at the world).