Saturday, February 20, 2010

I'm making a supreme effort not to feel guilty about this. I know I have no justification to feel guilty, but I still do.

Okay, so here's the deal: I just got back, not very long ago, from making an quick run to the local Mart of Wal - realizing that "tonight is movie night and the only "snacks" I have is a bag of popcorn to pop that's over a year old." So I ran out and bought some cookies (I WOULD have baked some, but I had the Honors Day thing all morning). And some chips. And pop.

Oh, and a little plea to the coupled people of the world: Though it might seem a perfectly lovely idea to you to go to the wal-mart on a Saturday at 4 pm, and walk slowly side by side down the aisles, arms about each others' waists, and stop periodically to snog, trust me, the bitter single people who are out trying to quickly get food so they may get back to whatever semblance of a life they have will not feel happy for you and look longingly at you wishing they were you.

Rather, they will mutter, "Get a room, already" under their breaths and push past you to get to the cereal aisle.

But that's not what I feel guilty about. It's this:

I was not home ten minutes - I had, in fact, just washed up a little spinach so I could have a bit of nutritious food before the snacks tonight - when the phone rang.

It was my co-leader.

"Was movie night supposed to be tonight?" (oh, crud, no. don't let everyone be sick or something)

Yes, I said. It was.

"Oh, well, they've already got all the decorating done for the installation tomorrow, and there's already food for tomorrow out on the counters and stuff." (I hope none of it was food that was supposed to stay hot or cold...) "If we go down there now it might be a problem."

Yeah, I can see that. I can see getting raked over the coals because there was a 1" square piece of potato chip bag on the floor the next morning. Or someone will very spectacularly spill a pop and we won't get it perfectly cleaned up.

Yeah, I sighed, maybe we better not do it tonight (Luckily it was a movie I owned the dvd of, not a rented movie).

"We could do it next week!"

next week is my birthday. I did not mention that. But I said, "I already have plans for next week. I can't be there."

"Well, I guess we'll have to find another time at youth group tomorrow night."

But now I feel guilty...how much easier it would have been for me to have just caved, and said, "Yeah, I'll be there next Saturday evening." And then either not have gone to McKinney, or gone, and looked at my watch the whole time, and maybe rushed back a little earlier than I would have otherwise in order to set up and be on hand.

And I can never enjoy myself fully when I have some "big" responsibility the same day to look forward to. (And yes, keeping the teen youth corralled during a movie, and making sure they clean up after themselves, can be pretty big).

I'm telling myself I have no justification to feel guilty: that I deserve to have a fun birthday, that I should not have to change my plans (even flexible plans that involve only me) just to accommodate other people.

I would feel totally no guilt if, for example, I had (say) a sister in town for my birthday, and we were going to go do something. Or if I had a significant other and he and I were going to go do something. But when it's just me...I make it too easy for me to say, "Oh, okay, I'll change my plans" or, if I don't, I feel guilty. And I know I should believe I merit enough to make plans and be able to keep them.

And yes, I'm posting this in part to get verification that I'm OK in keeping my own plans, especially since my birthday RARELY falls on a weekend day when I can actually go and do something...

On the upside: there's an NCIS marathon on tonight (apparently) and I can now sit down and do some hand quilting. Which I wanted to do today but really didn't have time for. On the downside: now we will have to go through another round of trying to schedule a movie night. (And I have two 8-packs of pop, and chips, and cookies in my car...if we can schedule the movie night in the next month or so that will be fine, but if not, they might not be fresh)

5 comments:

Lynn said...

You shouldn't feel guilty. You deserve a day once in a while that's all about you. And, birthday or not, plans are plans,regardless of whether or not they involve other people.

Mom on Health Patrol said...

I understand, I struggle with guilt like that, too. However, as is often said to mothers, it's important to take care of yourself first, before you can care properly for others. So enjoy your day without guilt, and a year from now the kids won't even remember a gap in movie nights.

Kris said...

Life's too short for guilt. The kiddos won't wither up and pine away from missing two movie nights. It's not as if they never see a movie otherwise, too, right? Go celebrate your birthday and don't give this another thought.

Charlotte said...

No guilt is allowable. You deserve to celebrate your birthday however you want. The person who should feel guilty is the one who scheduled the movie night the Saturday evening before the installation celebration on Sunday. If the co-leader felt strongly enough about having a movie night next week, she/he could invite the kids to his/her place to have it and if a helper is necessary, round up someone else to help. A one-time helper might be easier to find than a dedicated full-time leader such as you.

Lydia said...

I totally agree with Charlotte.