I'm just not getting much knitting done these days.

I did manage to finish the heel flap on the first Miranda sock:



Here's another shot (taken with flash) that actually shows the stitch pattern better:


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Next week is spring break. As I've said before, the mid-semester kind of holidays always creep up on me - partly because it falls right at the busiest time of the season. I am going to go visit my folks for next week; there's just a feeling of unreality that on Friday I'm leaving town. (I need to find time to get packed and to take care of a few things at home).

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I'm surprised at how TIRED I have been these past few days. Officially, I'm blaming the humidity - it's been close to 100% every day this week. Spring would be my favorite season if it were not for the foggy mornings and all the pollen.

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I'm still thinking about the whole "need to pull back" mentality. I know I need to pull back from certain things - I have a bad habit of waking up at 2 am and wondering, "ohmygosh how am I going to get it all done?" (thinking of research gearing up for the spring, etc.) The thing is, it's really hard to try to graciously bow out of things you already do - at least, not without some kind of GOOD excuse (like having to have surgery). But I do know it's affecting my attitude and possibly affecting my health.

And I don't do THAT much, honestly. I really wonder how the families with kids where each kid is in a couple of sports, and drama class, and piano, and all that, manage it. When I was a kid - well, my brother had soccer on Saturdays, but it was intramural only (no away games), and for a while I had field hockey (which I HATED. It was me and the "popular" girls and they used to test the quality of my shin pads using their sticks. And they'd never pass to me so I'd wind up running back and forth across the field but never get to do anything. I still don't like playing any kind of team sport because of that experience).

For a short while, we each had piano. And I had clarinet lessons for a while, I think on Saturday mornings, if I remember right. But there really wasn't after school stuff - it was kind of expected that after school, you went home and did your homework, and then you took time to play. (In high school we did all have sports after school but that was in place of gym class; usually it didn't last more than an hour or so).

I hear parents talk about their kids being up until 10 to do homework because they were in afterschool activities. Or they talk about districts limiting how much homework teachers can give because of afterschool activities. And I think, neither of those can be good. While I don't deny some homework - badly planned homework - is busywork, I DO think it's important for kids to work on things at their own pace and to spend more time than they do in class - for example, doing math problems.

I wonder if some of the overemphasis on sports isn't bleeding into the college experience; I've never personally had a coach ask/tell me to give a better grade to one of his athletes but I have heard college profs at other schools say they've had it happen.

I think the heart of the problem is this:

1. We need to decide why we're here. For some people, that MAY be sports. But 99% of the kids who take sports don't need to go into it so heavy duty - they're not going to become professionals, they're probably not even going to get college scholarships.

2. We need to accept that there are tradeoffs in life. I have a hard time with this - look at my comment, "I'm not getting much knitting done these days." It's having to take a back burner to other stuff. (Some of it stuff I'd rather not be doing). But it's necessary to prioiritize in life and perhaps some of the frustrations I experience are that I look at some people and think they should prioritize some things (like their college careers) more highly than they do. And that I feel a little bit sad when I'm prioritizing and putting low on the list things that make me happy, when it seems like other people don't do that kind of prioritizing.

3. We need to recognize that sometimes doing something for the fun of it IS a purpose. Yes, yes, athletics are good because they build teamwork and they're exercise and all that. But is it FUN for the kid? Field hockey was not FUN for me - because of the other kids there - and I begged my parents not to sign me up for it again. I fear that a lot of the activities kids do now have so much pressure on them that they're not really fun any more.

And raising kids with the idea that they have to excel at everything, and that everything they do has to have a utilitarian purpose, leads to unhappy adults. I think part of my frustrations are due to the fact that (academically at least), I was good at a lot of things. I was a good student. The problem is, "student" is a set of skills that doesn't necessarily mean a lot in adult life. One reason I think I enjoy the German class is it allows me to use my "student" skills and mindset again, and yet it's also something totally low-stakes: it really won't matter if I can't speak it when I walk out of the class.

The truth is, a lot of the time - I'm not real good at doing stuff solely for FUN. There has to be some "product" at the end, and it has to be GOOD "product."

But I don't know. There's also the issue of community involvement. I belong to a couple of groups where the long refrain has been, "Why can't we get more people involved?!?" And these are good groups, that do worthwhile stuff. And I will admit that there are times when, headed out to a meeting for one of these groups, I do think, "I could be at home reading right now" or something. And you know, there ARE times when the meetings aren't exactly productive.

But the rub is this: If EVERYONE "pulled back" to the extent that they weren't getting involved in things like the local beautification council, how would things get done? How do you balance a sense of civic responsibility with being able to take time to be quiet and be alone and do things just for yourself?

I mean, we're already kind of seeing it. "Everyone is so busy with their kids and the kids' activities" is a common refrain when AAUW or the beautification council or something tries to get new members. And I will admit a certain fear and worry because in both those groups I am the youngest member and I fear that ALL the responsibilities will devolve to me someday, and it will be up to me to say either "we need to disband, there's no one coming any more" or take on all kinds of repsonsibilities I really do not want. (Our longtime AAUW treasurer celebrated her 80th birthday last year....that kind of thing.)

I guess I tend to err too heavily on the side of "civic responsibility." And it frustrates me when people that I perceive as being "less busy" than I am don't go out and do those things. Or when someone poops out on something they've offered to do because they "felt tired" (that excuse, which I have gotten more than once, makes me want to scream - I "feel tired" A LOT of the time. And no, I'm not talking about 80 year old retirees here or people with an actual disability or chronic disease: able bodied people in their 30s and 40s volunteering to help on something and then not, without any prior warning, because they 'felt tired.')

I don't know. I do know that I get tired of being "Let 'Georgina' do it." One of my friends was fond of saying, "If you need something done, ask a busy person." (The reason being, she figured, is that they're busy because they're responsible; it's kind of like that you DON'T want to eat at the restaurant that has no cars in the parking lot during a mealtime hour).

So I'm trying to find balance: what is the balance between alone-time and doing what I feel I ought? It does not seem like enough to have two hours in an evening once or twice a week when I'm not committed to something. Because then the weekends become frantic seekings-after-calm.

I don't know. I think of all the things I'd LIKE to have time for: I'd love to take piano lessons again. And I'd like to be able to seriously learn German, like learn the structure and grammar of the language. And I'd like to take more time for quilting. And they offer pottery classes on campus sometimes and I'd love to throw pots again. But finding time seems to get harder and harder.