I feel better today. I think the humidity is a *bit* less than it was.

And I also feel somewhat validated; last night at church when someone asked me how I was doing, I said, "I'm fine, but I'm not loving this humidity." and he responded, "Oh, I know. It just totally drags me down."

So I'm NOT crazy. Everyone else I had ever mentioned the humidity-making-me-feel-like-crud thing did that head-tilt "Baroo?" thing like they didn't understand where I was coming from.

And for me, being able to have a clear, validatable, and external reason for why I'm feeling like crud makes me feel better - I think it's the whole "Well, it's not me; it's not that my neurotransmitters are screwed up, and this will get better when whatever external factor improves" thing.

I also broke my television fast long enough to watch "Mythbusters," which was good.

Who knew you could get a guard dog off-task with a raw steak, like in the cartoons?

Maybe not ever taking time to watch television - as an entertainment source - is just as bad as watching it all the time.

I also got the heel flap started on the second "Opal Magic" sock. And I wound off the rest of the yarn for the Kenobi sweater, just in case I decide to take that with me on spring break. (I can't believe it starts tomorrow.)

****

I also did set some boundaries last night. I informed someone - before they could ask me to do another thing that I "couldn't take on anything more without it affecting my health." Which I think is true at this point.

Also, a little tiny epiphantic thing: The whole taking-on-too-much-stuff is a longterm pattern. I think it's partly genetic and partly learned.

Somewhere, I developed the idea that "people will like me if I do stuff for them."

This is probably partly genetic - wanting to be a people-pleaser. Sort of like being the wolf in the pack that's always rolling over and showing its belly to prove it's not a threat to the established hierarchy.

But I think - and I hate bringing every problem in my life back to the old I Was an Unpopular Kid refrain because more and more, it seems that everyone I meet describes themselves as having been an "unpopular" kid, but....I learned at some point that a way to avoid rejection was to be super-nice, and being super-nice included doing stuff for people.

And when I did stuff for people, they generally reacted positively. So the idea that "people will like me if I do stuff for them" got reinforced, and maybe even gradually morphed into a bit of "but people won't like me if I don't do stuff for them."

And you know, on the surface, it's easy to look at that and say "screw that. If people don't like me for who I am - if I have to always be serving them to get their approval - then it's not worth it to have them like me." But it's going to take a while to unlearn that, and it's going to take a while to find the balance or the happy medium - I don't want to go too far to the other end of things and always be going, "NO. Someone else has to do that. I don't want to."

It also occurs to me that this is part and parcel of my "I never state an opinion strongly" tendency as well. And the fact that I'm often prone to backpedaling on something I say if someone else "attacks" me for it (scare quotes because "attack" is how I perceive it, when they may not really be doing that). I don't understand the "argument as sport" type of attitude; I've known a few people in my life who did that - they'd argue ANY point you made because they thought it was fun and challenging. I found those people utterly exhausting and sort of have edged them out of my life. (Well, one moved away.)

I am probably too agreeable.

But something has to give, and especially because I have a few people in my life who, when I say, "I don't have time" look at me and go "You DON'T have TIME?" like that is somehow impossible. (Again: my old and most hated argument that people make: "But you don't have a husband and kids to care for!" No, but I also don't have a husband to provide me with emotional support and maybe help around the house, and I don't have kids to send out to mow the lawn or whatever. It's a two-way street, folks, and if it isn't in your life, I'm sorry. Tut mir leid.)

So I don't know. I guess I need to get better at setting boundaries and also not be so optimistic about what I can get done in a day.


***

And may I also reiterate my request that if you're leaving an "Anonymous" comment, please sign your name? It just helps, that's all. It helps me to know if someone delivering what I perceive as criticism is a regular reader or someone doing a drive-by. And regular readers, I'm more prone to take what they say to heart; drive-bys I'm more prone to say to myself, "They're criticising because it's easy, and fun, too!"

I've spent too many years reading student evaluations that are anonymous, that's all. And I've picked up the vibe (from colleagues) that often when people can be anonymous, they're going to be harsher than otherwise.