Gah.

I don't know what's wrong. I really do feel the need to apologize for dumping all my guts here, for being such a depresso-blogger. I read over some of my past posts and *I* roll my eyes at *myself*.

But I don't know. I think a big part of it is just being busy. I am too busy. I feel it in my heart. It isn't happy-busy, it isn't bustling-busy. It's how-the-hell-am-I-going-to-find-time-to-do-this-additional-thing busy. When I get to the point where I'm as close as I ever come to yelling at someone over a late paper, that means I'm trying to do too much.

The problem is, I do not know where I can graciously slack off. Already I have people who believe I do not do enough (yes, seriously) because - get this - I don't have "a husband or children to take care of." Uh-huh. And that also means I don't have a husband to take care of ME when I need it. But whatever. Back to the I don't know where I can graciously slack off. I've decided to cop out on the trash-off day - I have so much grading to do and it's going to be like 50 degrees out and very likely raining, and I already have piles of muscle aches all over my body, so going out in the cold and exerting myself won't help.

And next week I might be able to slack off a little as I won't have meetings or cooking for 200 people or multiple exams to grade.

But one thing I regret a little about being a professor, as opposed to being in Office Space-world: I cannot take a "mental health day" or a "personal day" without it having a big impact. I would have to cancel classes (inner critic again: not that the students ever learn that much in any one of your classes), more people would be affected than just some cow-orker who would have to do my TPS reports for that day.

But when I get feeling like this - when I begin to think that maybe getting the flu and having a justification to myself to slow down, take it easy, and stay home is a GOOD idea, that means I need to dump some responsibility I have somewhere.

I have already brought down the ultimatim that it's no more Ms. Nice Guy, that after this week I am no longer accepting late ANYTHING because* it's a real drag to have people come to class with homework that was due (and graded) a week ago and have five or six people hand me their papers and EXPECT I WILL TAKE THEM and then NOT EVEN SAY THANK YOU TO ME for allowing them to hand in late papers (that taken-for-granted thing again). Because, I like clearing the decks. I like going home at the end of the day and knowing that ALL the grading is done for a particular class until the next batch of grading. And maybe that's a horribly selfish sentiment, but it's just kind of like being pecked to death by ducks to have odds and ends of labs and homeworks and papers dribbling in day after day so EVERY DAY when you come to work there's grading. Grading, grading, grading - if I ever go insane, I mean the sort of drama-queen Gothic Poe-ish insane, it will be because of the beating of that horrible heart grading.

(*I didn't actually say that I hated having to grade all the time and that it made me angry that people just ASSUMED I was happy to accept late papers; the actual justification I gave was that the end of the semester was coming up and I was so busy that I had to schedule things tightly and I couldn't deal with late papers in my tight schedule).

But yeah. I'm kind of losing it here and I don't know what to jettison to try to prevent the figurative plane from going down.* Do I throw out my makeup case and wind up looking a fright when the plane lands safely? Do I throw the fur coat out the back door and then maybe miss it when I'm stranded on a mountaintop at night? Or do I dump fuel and then find I don't have enough to coast in to the airport?

(*Vague and not entirely correct reference to "The High and The Mighty")

All I do know is that I need to dump something - I need to buy myself a little more time to be ME or else - well, I'm not one for dramatic ultimatims that I wouldn't actually back up - but let's say, or else I won't be as pleasant and cheerful a person to be around for the next couple months.