You know, I get to the point where I think I'm all grown-up and all in control of the situation, and then a day comes where I just have to close my office door midmorning, and put my head down on my desk, and cry for a few minutes.

(It was just a few minutes though - like, not more than 3. And it wasn't that horrid sort of strangled chokey crying that the French verb sangloter describes so accurately).

It's been a difficult day. One of the things I did not tell you about last night was that while the kids were out playing football, one of the church doors was left open and a CreepyGuy walked in - and tried to strike up a conversation with the woman manning the nursery.

We didn't know if CreepyGuy walked back out. So I recruited the big strong boys and explained the situation to them - they went and hunted through the whole church, I checked some of the likely places a second time, found no sign of CreepyGuy.

Well, I didn't sleep last night for thinking of it. (The church my parents belong to has had this very thing happen - and some important and valuable items went missing in that case). I was on the brink, at about 11:30 pm, of getting up, calling the police non-emergency number, and begging a cop to come and patrol the church with me. But I didn't.

So, apprehensively, I called the church number when it opened today and asked the secretary: "so...um...was everything in order this morning?" She said yes - apparently assuming I was referring to cleanliness. Then she mentioned when she came in, a door was unlocked.

damn, damn, damn, damn, damn. (and I'm trying to wean myself off cussing). She wasn't too upset about it - she said she'd warn the custodian that there are random people trying to get in. But I still feel horrible - we left the church locked up, which means CreepyGuy was hanging out somewhere where we didn't look, or he evaded us (it's a big building). So I feel like a failure. And I'm going to have to really ride herd on the kids - if a door is locked, you DO NOT unlock it to go outside and play ball while you are waiting for everyone else to eat dinner. And all doors are locked from the inside when we are in. And we check the doors every night before we leave.

(We're going to get a security system with cameras soon. I'll be glad when we do.)

I also found out there's no travel money in the department to pay for my summer conference trip. So I had to quick (tomorrow is the due date) write a proposal to request at least my registration and lodging costs. The proposal is a piece of ordure but at least it's done, and a colleague who has been on the committee assured me that my proposal, cruddy as I thought it was, was actually better than some he'd seen.

And I have a whoooooooole exam still to write for next week. (I'm trying to grade right now. Grading is....I can't quite come up with a good metaphor, but grading is one of those tasks that is so repetitive you come to dread it. It's kind of Sisyphean. You get one day's grading done and then there's a pile more.). It's "grown up game night" at church tonight but when the secretary reminded me I told her I was snowed under with work and probably wouldn't make it. (Closer to the truth: I just want to go home this evening and not have to talk to people, not have to interact.)

I'm just beat. Beat and sad and tired and fed up with a particular person's attitude. I'm seriously tempted to break my "Use what you have month" vow and just bust out this weekend and go shopping - maybe even go to McKinney. But I don't know. Of course gas here is dangerously close to $3 a gallon, and it takes like four or five gallons for the round trip there. (I did order my sister-in-law's birthday present and something for mother's day for my mom, and that made me feel a little better.)